First, the formalities: I adore your column, I’ve been reading it since I was a single fundamentalist far-right wack job and I read it now that I’m a married far-left feminist with kids.
Secondly, the problem: I’m married (not the problem) to a wonderful, funny, hardworking, sensitive-yet-manly dude, and the mother to two little ones (one just out of diapers, one newborn). Breaking the problem into two parts…
Part one: Oral sex – hate to give it, hate to receive it. I tried, bravely, but invariably ended up vomiting, which, as my husband points out, is not sexy unless you’re into that sort of thing. Husband has done without oral for five years. Please don’t hit me. He states this is not a problem.
Part two: Since going on medication for postpartum depression, I now have negative interest in sex. The very thought makes me want to run shrieking naked down the street, which isn’t sexy, unless, again, you’re into that sort of thing. I feel relentless guilt, and have tried to work up a state of interest for my poor, deprived, wonderful husband, but I can’t even achieve neutrality.
I don’t know what to do. It took multiple medication adjustments to find something that left me able to function as a mother and a human being (minus, you know, the sex thing), so the thought of messing with my meds terrifies me. So should my husband dump the motherfucker (me!) already? (Please say no!) And please remember when you answer that I really, really, really love you, in a nonperverse sort of way, and if you’re harsh, I’ll be crushed.
New England Girl Doesn’t
Breaking my answer into three parts…
One: If going without oral isn’t a problem for your husband, it’s not a problem – not for you, NEGD, and certainly not for me.
Two: Perhaps you should talk to your doctor about the little blue pill. A study published last week showed that Viagra, which doesn’t have much effect on women generally, improves sexual response in measurable ways for women taking antidepressants. The study just came out, blah blah blah, more research needs to be done, wocka wocka wocka, but it’s certainly worth looking into.
Three: You have small children, postpartum depression, and you’re on meds. Cut yourself some slack. New fathers have suffered worse indignities than a year or two of shitty or nonexistent sex while their wives adjust and recover. You should, however, encourage your husband to masturbate frequently, masturbate him yourself occasionally, and, if you can go there, allow him to discreetly seek relief in one of New England’s finer jack shacks until you wean yourself off the meds.
There’s only one way to make amends for your canned-ham crack, Dan. To balance the scales for the canned-ham slight, open up a contest finding the least sexy description of a penis. Fair’s fair.
If there’s a less sexy description for penis than the word “penis,” Jeff, I can’t think of it. The words vagina, labia and clitoris – with their wide-open vowels and consonant combinations that force you to roll the words around in your mouth – are poetry compared to “penis” with its pinched, urine-invoking first syllable and its hissed second. Again, I very much doubt that anyone can come up with something less sexy. But anyone inspired to try is welcome to cram one in my inbox.
I know you don’t like the praise e-mails, but you’re just going to have to bend over and take this one.
This weekend, I had sex after a long relationship, a breakup and a full year with no dick. And the sex was TERRIBLE. He wasn’t at all willing to do the things I needed him to do for me, even though I was very kind and playful and upbeat about all the great ways there were to please me. No, he was just in a major hurry to cram his dick in me and then go to sleep.
I gave another chance this weekend, Dan, and I got the same treatment. So I got my ass out of his bed and caught a cab home. As I stood there in the rain at 4:00 a.m. on a Chicago street corner, with wet hair and shoes and panties, I thought about you, Dan, and how if I’d never started listening to your podcast and reading your column, I’d be one of those girls who this guy has no doubt dated in the past, a girl who just lies there and pretends to get off on his dick alone, never says a word about her needs and just accepts bad sex as a given.
I dumped the motherfucker already, Dan, so I’m single, 26, GGG and ready to take on this city’s male population. Thanks for schooling me on how to detect the assholes and how to be vocal about my own needs!
We bend and take to please, J. Thanks for sharing.
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