Savage Love 


Recently, I celebrated my first year of marriage to the most amazing man. When we first began dating, he told me that he enjoys open sexuality and wants swinging to be part of any partnership he's in. I regard myself as free-spirited and agreed to explore this with him. We delayed experimentation because I had a stressful job and I wanted to spend my limited free time with him instead of exploring our sexuality with multiple partners. We have since had about a dozen experiences. I have discovered that these situations are not a turn-on for me — in fact, they are a turnoff. I feel resentful after these episodes, and I don't feel like having sex for days. We have discussed this at length, and we have been seeing a counselor. Recently, we had a civil discussion wherein we discussed the possibility of him having these sexual experiences without me. This idea appealed to him. He proposed going to a sex party alone that very night.

Ever since then, I have been crushed by the prospect of my husband having a sex life outside of our relationship. Since we met, his sexuality has had an outward trajectory, rather than being relationship-centered. Having a healthy sexual relationship with him is enough for me. He makes a good point that he has been straight about his desire for this lifestyle since day one, but I am still frustrated and horrified that my husband needs to have sex outside of our marriage. I can't help but feel hurt that I alone am not enough for him.

I'd appreciate your straight, honest feedback on this.

Sex Best One On One

Straight, honest feedback: You are an idiot. Your husband informed you in advance about the "outward trajectory" of his sexuality; you knew going in that your husband could never be satisfied in a marriage that didn't involve "open sexuality" and swinging. Don't come crying to me now because the man you married wants to actually have sex with other people. You knew that before you married him, SBOOO, because he fucking told you so.

You're unlikely to encounter a marriage counselor who'll take your husband's side (nonmonogamy? boo!) over yours (monogamy? yay!), so I'm going to aggressively come his defense: You're never going to convince your husband that one-on-one ought to be enough for him. Sorry. You're also going to have a hard time convincing him that you didn't deceive him in the run-up to this marriage. When he told you that monogamy was a deal-breaker, you replied that you were "free-spirited" and willing to "explore." But, alas, circumstances beyond your control prevented you from embarking on any explorations until after the wedding, and only then — only after he married you — did you discover that your husband's sexual interests both frustrated and horrified you.

How convenient.

If you'd been a little less stressed at work, maybe you could've made time for a little swinging before the wedding. Then you might've learned that nonmonogamy wasn't for you and been able to give this amazing man that information before he married your ass. Oh, but your work schedule didn't allow for premarital explorations, and now he has to decide whether to go through the hell of a divorce — knowing full well that he will be seen as the bad guy by all your relatives and friends, and 99.99 percent of marriage counselors — or give in to your emotional, sexual and financial blackmail.

Want more evidence that you weren't negotiating with your husband in good faith before the wedding? How about this: You aren't negotiating with him in good faith now. You recently had "a civil discussion" with him about the possibility of his going to sex parties alone — how many uncivil discussions have you had? — but then you were crushed when he wanted to take you up on this proposed compromise. So once again he wants to fuck around, once again you agree to his fucking around in principle, once again he proposes fucking around in earnest, and once again you lose your shit — only this time you go boo-hooing to an advice columnist and not a marriage counselor.

Sorry, you picked the wrong columnist. You want a monogamous commitment. Free spirit, my ass. Your husband didn't and doesn't. Don't drag this out. You are sexually incompatible. Divorce. Get it over with.

I'm in my 20s and have a loving girlfriend. We have phenomenal sex, but I love anal sex and she doesn't. We've done it many times, but it's always painful for her and that makes it less enjoyable for me. Now every time I bring it up, she's against it.

Off The Pot

Taking less enjoyment in anal sex when it causes your partner pain — you are a gentleman, OTP. But chivalry requires more of you, I'm afraid: Your girlfriend tried it and doesn't like it, and you can't expect her to keep doing it. If you can't live without the butt, break up with the girlfriend. If you can't live without the girlfriend, break up with the butt.

mail@savagelove.net

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