Savage Love 


I dropped by four large universities last week to do "Savage Love Live," the college-speaking-gig version of my sex-advice column. People submit questions — the ones they don't want to be seen asking — on 3-by-5-inch cards at the events. Sadly, I couldn't get to everyone's. Here are answers to some of the questions I missed.

At what point in a relationship is it "safe" to have an open relationship?

There's no standard gestation period for an open relationship, no set period of time that you have to spend in the exclusivity pod. In my experience, however, the most successful open relationships I've witnessed — with "success" here defined as "long-lasting," which is kind of arbitrary (can we all get behind the idea that a relationship can be short-lived and still be a success?) — were sexually exclusive for at least a year, sometimes longer, at the outset.

When asked, "How do you make anal sex more comfortable for women?" by Marie Claire magazine, Dr. Drew Pinsky said, "Don't do it. Your butt will leak when you're old." (I am paraphrasing.) My question: Is Dr. Drew homophobic?

Dr. Drew isn't a homophobe. He's an asshole-o-phobe — and a BDSM-o-phobe, a premarital-sex-o-phobe, a three-way-o-phobe, etc. Basically, when it comes to human sexuality, there's not a lot of daylight between Dr. Drew and Pope Benedict XVI. And I'll let you in on a little secret: Odds are good that your ass is going to leak when you're old, anyway — I'll betcha the pope's ass is leaking all over the throne of St. Peter right now — so you might as well enjoy it while you can.

I'm a 24-year-old man who has been out for 11 years. I've been into this guy "Joe" for several years, but I always assumed he was out of my league. We recently started hooking up. I'm totally into him, and it's amazing. But for some reason, I can't stay hard. I don't know what's wrong with me. Do I have ED? I have no health insurance and am not sure what to do.

If you're not having trouble keeping it up when you're alone, and you didn't have trouble keeping it up with other guys, you're probably just nervous. You like this guy, he's way hot, the stakes are high, and a little routine performance anxiety is chasing away your boners. If Joe is continuing to hook up with you despite your inability to keep it up for him, well, then he's not only a hot dude but a patient one as well — and a dude who's into you, too. So take a deep breath, try to relax, and enjoy.

When did you first realize you were LGBTQ, and how did people react to that? Did you struggle to find support?

I didn't realize I was L, B, T and Q. And I'm not sure how friends and family are going to react to my recently discovered lesbianism, bisexuality, impending transition and questioning status — question: now that I'm LGB and T what outstanding Qs could there be? — but I expect they will be supportive. Just as confused as I am, but nevertheless supportive.

Please assign new salacious definitions to the following terms, which are near and dear to the hearts of University of Maryland students: "Cornerstone," "Fear the Turtle" and "Diamondbacking."

Cornerstone: When you get high in order to break through a sexual inhibition — like when pot helps you "turn a corner" sexually. "Sue wanted to peg her boyfriend Drew, but he just couldn't do it until he got cornerstoned."

Fear the Turtle: What a woman experiences when she realizes halfway through vaginal intercourse that her bowels are full and her enjoyment of the sex has been superseded by her fear of crapping the bed. "Sue had to ask Drew to stop fucking her because she feared the turtle. She got on the can for a minute, then hopped back in bed and no longer feared the turtle."

Diamondbacking: Consenting to anal sex in the hopes that doing so will inspire a boyfriend to propose. "Sue knew that Drew was totally into anal sex, so she let him diamondback her. Now they're engaged."

I'm a lesbian. My girlfriend is bisexual and wants to have a three-way with a man. This makes me nervous. What should I do?

Get yourself a refillable Xanax prescription, or get yourself an actual lesbian girlfriend.

If she hasn't orgasmed yet, will she ever?

Yes, but probably with someone else.

Thanks again to all four universities for bringing my skanky ass to their campuses last week. My primary mission when I do these events, of course, is to undo in an evening the damage done by abstinence educators over the course of many years. But the events are always a blast. If you want me to come to your school, get in touch with Keppler Speakers at savagelove@kepplerspeakers.com. I'm looking forward to my upcoming gigs at Liberty University, Brigham Young University and University of Notre Dame.

mail@savagelove.net

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