Savage Love 


My boyfriend of 16 months and I have a great relationship. He loves my blowjobs, but he will not kiss me if I have his come in my mouth. It grosses him out. We have talked about this, and he won't even try. I have no problem if he kisses me after going down on me. I just want him to try. Is there something wrong with asking him to taste himself? I do it all the time and love it.

Missing Kisses

There's kissing someone with your come on her breath and then there's kissing someone with your come in her mouth. It sounds like you're interested in the latter, which makes it sound like you're interested in passing some of your boyfriend's load into his mouth — i.e., snowballing — and not simply being rewarded with a kiss. And that's an entirely different wad of spunk.

Just because you enjoy tasting yourself on his lips, doesn't mean your boyfriend will enjoy or should have to enjoy mouthing his own load. After a woman comes, MK, she's still in a groove, still capable of more orgasms, still cranked up. After ejaculating, a man is essentially uncranked. He's not capable of another orgasm (not right away, anyway) — he's been knocked out of his groove. So even if the idea of snowballing appeals to a man as you're blowing him, it might not hold the same appeal the moment after he comes.

Some men are afraid of tasting their own come because they believe that doing so can turn a guy gay. And it's not an unreasonable fear: not because it will turn a guy gay, but because, judging from my mail, a lot of women are convinced that any man who would taste his own come must secretly be gay.

I am at a heavy-metal show at a dive bar as I write this. There are tons of guys I consider hot here, 98 percent of whom, I'm sure, are straight. But I got a vibe off this one guy. This is such a macho environment, though, that there's a considerable amount of danger in asking the question, "So, you gay?"

I remember an episode of Law and Order where Jerry Orbach tried to determine if a suspect was in AA by asking a secret question. Something like, "Are you a friend of Bill W.?" The idea was that the question was innocuous if you weren't in AA.

Since you are the king of "santorum" and "pegging" and "saddlebacking," I thought maybe you could invent a secret question for masculine gay men in masculine environments. Something like, "Hey, do you like to barbecue?" So how 'bout it? Can you declare the official secret are-you-a-masculine-gay-guy question?

Men Are Cute Hot Objects

The best I could come up with on my own, MACHO, was this: "A Little Night Music —original Broadway cast recording or original London cast?" But that line will get your ass kicked in a lot of gay bars — as I know from bitter experience. So let's toss this out to my readers, the folks who came up with the definitions for "santorum," "pegging," and "saddlebacking": OK, gang, we're looking for an innocuous question that (1) all fags everywhere would know the answer to but (2) no straight guys anywhere would. My long-suffering interns await your suggested questions at mail@savagelove.net.

I had to refrain from opening this with "Hey, Asshole!" after reading your advice to Sex Best One On One, the woman who married a man who warned her that he could not be monogamous and who then realized she couldn't share him. While I agree with your assessment of SBOOO's husband — up-front, honest — your assessment of SBOOO is influenced by your need to have a good rant at polyamory-unfriendly marriage counselors, family, friends and the world at large. SBOOO does not have to apologize for who she is (not as willing to do long-term nonmonogamy as previously thought) to elitist, more-liberated-than-thou jerk-offs (hint: you!) after giving it a good fucking try (12 times!). Pun intended.

Loving Toronto Reader

I intentionally came down hard on SBOOO to compensate for the vast majority of advice professionals who would, per LF, side aggressively with her because a nonmonogamous partner — even an honest one like SBOOO's mate — is always perceived as the bad guy.

For the record: I am not biased toward nonmonogamy. But I do think monogamous people should be with each other and should refrain from marrying folks who are self-aware enough to inform them in advance that they don't think they're capable of being monogamous.

Some folks who wrote in about my advice for SBOOO raised a good point: I should have come down on the husband as well. If nonmonogamy was a deal breaker for him, then he was a fool to marry SBOOO before verifying her ability to be nonmonogamous. Agreed. So, for the record: SBOOO's husband? You're an idiot, too.

Finally, I'm always happy to see money go to Planned Parenthood.

mail@savagelove.net

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