Savage Love 

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I'm a 27-year-old man in a two-year relationship with a 26-year-old woman. My last partner cheated and lied and did some unforgivable things. Our breakup unearthed a kink. After I found out about her cheating, I got extremely turned on thinking about it. I never told her.
Enter my next girlfriend. We were together a few months before I brought up my kink. She was very accommodating, and after some months, she admitted that it was something she wanted to try in real life. I said I was OK with it as long as I had the option to pursue other partners as well. We agreed on some rules and gave it a shot. She set up a date through OKCupid and had sex with someone; I hooked up with an ex. Everything seemed to be turning out great. Then two weeks later, she got drunk and told me she had seen the OKCupid guy again without asking. I was so upset, I nearly broke up with her. Having the guidelines ignored felt like a betrayal.
Are we going through the normal trip-ups of a newly open relationship? Or are these lies an indication that she can't be trusted? I feel like it might be hard to find someone else who is into my kink and maybe we're just having a hard time navigating polyamory. I love my partner, and I want to make this cuckolding thing work if we can. Suck it up or break it off?
Confused Upon Cheating Kink

First things first, CUCK: Polyamorous relationships and open relationships are two different things. Some poly relationships are open, but many poly relationships are closed – that is, three people (or more) are involved with each other exclusively, i.e., no randoms, no romancing potential fourths, fifths or sixths. The reverse is also true: Not all open relationships are poly. Two people in an open relationship may allow fucking around with other people with the understanding that there will be no dating or falling in love with anyone else.
And then there's cuckolding. The whole "cuckolding thing" is about the female half of a heterosexual couple breaking the rules and then rubbing her partner's nose in the evidence of her cheating. Cuckolding is eroticized betrayal, and you spent months fantasizing with your girlfriend about being betrayed. But when it came time to turn your fantasies into reality, you laid out the rules for what sounds like a fairly standard open-not-poly relationship: She could fuck other people and so could you. Once again, I'm confused: The cuckold in a "cuckolding thing" typically doesn't get to fuck around. He gets fucked around on.
If your discussions with your girlfriend were as confusing as your letter, it's possible that she was likewise confused. It's possible that she thought the rules applied to you and not to her. It's possible that she figured she was free to break the rules because betrayal turned you on. Now she knows that betrayal turns you on as a fantasy and not a reality.
Seeing as you love her and want to make this work, and seeing as girlfriends who are open to cuckolding are hard to come by, I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt. Time will tell if she's an honest "cheater" who can be trusted or a lying cheater who must be dumped.

I'm a guy who can't orgasm during oral sex. I can during vaginal. It's frustrating. I get close but don't quite reach the apex of that hill. I suspect it's a control issue. During vaginal, I have some level of control – during oral, I don't. Help.
Almost There

Maybe it's not a control issue, AT. Maybe it can't get you up and over them thar hills because … oral doesn't do it for you. If it were your girlfriend who had difficulty climaxing from oral alone – let's say she required a vibrator to get her over them thar hills – the standard-issue, sex-positive, lady-empowering advice would be to accept that it's just the way her pussy works.
Vaginal gets you all the way there, oral gets you almost all the way there – maybe that's just how your dick works. On the off chance there could be a psychological block, experiment with letting her get you almost all the way there and then stroke yourself to get the rest of the way there. Stroke to the point of no return, then put your dick back in her mouth and blow your load. With time, you may find the number of strokes you need to get up and over the hill diminishing. Or you may not – because this may be how your dick works.

My girlfriend and I are having sex on a not-so-every-day basis, but that doesn't matter anyways. The thing is, I've been lasting longer and longer every time we do have sex. However, she can't last as long as I can, and eventually we'll start having to use lube and then maybe 30 minutes later, it'll start to hurt more. As if I'm "tearing" her or something. I'm left "blue-balled" for fear of hurting her further, and she feels bad for not having me finish. What do I do? Fake it or just use copious amounts of lube?
Bluer And Bluer Balls

Who says you can't finish? If it's taking you forever, and your girlfriend's pussy is giving out, pull out and stroke yourself until you finish. You could also incorporate strategic stroke breaks into your fuck sessions to get you closer to the edge and give her pussy a rest. And you might find she's able to last longer if you engage in a little midplay – think foreplay, but halfway through – during those stroke breaks: Make out while you stroke yourself, eat her pussy, play with her clit. I bet your girlfriend will need less lube if she's less bored
and/or more turned on during those epic fuck sessions.
My new book – American Savage: Insights, Slights and Fights on Faith, Sex, Love and Politics – comes out in May. Order it now!


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