DEC. 3, 9:47 A.M.: A man walked into an auto parts store in the 2400 block of West Church Street and became belligerent. When the employees suggested he scoot, the dude "selected store merchandise, put it down his pants and walked out the front door … daring them to call the police on him," police reports state. A tasty tale, thus far, and it gets juicier.

One gallant employee pursued the burglar, now on a bicycle, down the street. "I got something for you if you walk up on me," the escapee threatened, according to reports. Unfazed, the auto-parts person caught up and punched the suspect in the face, knocking him to the ground and scattering his load of purloined pantsed parts. A heavy-set female onlooker seized the opportunity to do a little sidewalk shopping, helping herself to the goods. Once again the car-parts person sprung into action, punching perp No. 2 square in the boobas, forcing her to drop the goods. The distraction gave our burglar enough time to get back on his bike, stating "I will be back, watch and see," reports claim.

Oh, was he ever back. Not even 15 minutes later, the perp popped back inside the auto shop and hurled a flaming object over the sales counter. It exploded, leaving the counter in flames, until employees extinguished the blaze with buckets of water. He hauled ass before police returned.

And what was all the arson, bloodshed and boob-boxing over? A $24.88 air filter and two packs of cigarette lighters valued at $1.68 a pop.

DEC. 3, 2:54 P.M.: When Christmas shopping goes wrong, it goes very wrong.

Two unknown men, approximately 20 years of age, entered a popular pharmacy in the 5180 block of North Lane. The duo cruised the store for 20 minutes or so before planting themselves at the register with two greeting cards and a back massager. But the shit hit the fan when they inquired about the price of the massager; they expected it to cost $15.99, but the price registered $19.99. One of the men requested that the cashier void the amount of one of the greeting cards because he simply didn't have the funds. Request granted, he handed her one $20 bill and a $5 greenback to satisfy the approximately $23 purchase. All sounds fine. Then, he whipped out a black handgun.

The man stretched over the counter and snatched what looked like a cluster of $5 bills from the open register. Then a customer waiting in line behind him bravely leapt forward, embracing the suspect in a bear hug. While they wrestled on the countertop, suspect No. 2 hit the streets like true chums do. Solo now, No. 1 toughened up and stuck the gun into the shopper's temple, declaring, "I'll shoot you," police reports state.

"Go ahead, motherfucka!" this fearless hero replied.

Such a bold response, perhaps blurted with all the intensity of a Samuel L. Jackson one-liner, scared the bejesus right out of the robber. He kept his cash, about $147, and split.

DEC. 7, 6:21 P.M.: A 56-year-old man was enjoying a peaceful walk home in the 900 block of Grand Street while clutching a 12-pack of ice-cold brew he'd just bought. All was cool this barely sunlit evening until another man, 25, approached, hot on the trail for some hops. He punched the victim in the back of the melon, knocking him and his sack of pilsners to the ground.

"I'm going to get your beer," the suspect stated in a straightforward fashion, reports claim.

He then fled on foot, leaving our assaulted victim with a scraped left knee and beerless. We hope those Busch brews taste like piss, which they will, for the suspect's sake.

DEC. 9, 7:18 P.M.: Just a reminder: Women can be every bit as malevolent as men when it comes to criminal behavior in the City Beautiful.

A woman and her lady friend left their hotel in the 5780 block of Major Boulevard and headed toward Universal Studio's CityWalk for an evening packed with tourists, roller coasters and overpriced margaritas. This fun-filled night was put on hold, however, when a crew of three approximately 15-year-old chicklets crossed paths with the ladies.

The trio of hooliganettes hunched over in a grassy area, acting as if they were looking for something. One made eye contact with the passing women, suddenly crying out, "I know you, I know you," reports state. What followed? A face full of Mace as the teen sprayed away.

Cute, huh?

The victim's $100 Coach purse was stolen, along with a $400 Louis Vuitton wallet, a $100 Razr cell phone and a Starbucks credit card. Imagine what these girls will get into when they're all hopped up on lattes.


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