POLICE BEAT 


;DEC. 11, 6 P.M.: A snoopy neighbor, 59, lingered in his apartment-complex parking lot in the 2800 block of West Arlington Street with a video camera. No, he wasn't filming squirrels or a random passer-by; he wanted to catch his drug-dealing neighbors on candid camera.

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;But he wasn't cunning enough. Unexpectedly, two men sneaked up behind and clubbed him on the head with an unknown object. They took his video camera, worth $500, and fled.

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;Lesson to be learned here: Tattle-taling has repercussions, which can sometimes take the shape of a concussion.

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;DEC. 15, 7:10 A.M.: It was reported bright and early this morning that one very naughty person — or perhaps a few naughty people — broke into a probation and parole office in the 30 block of Coburn Avenue, poked around and had some fun.

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;The suspect or suspects gained entry by prying open a door. Keen eyes meticulously scanned the office interior within, and a pair of Dell computers were soon after deemed worthy of jacking. Although the value of both fine machines totaled 3,000 mazumas, the suspect(s) hadn't quite finished. A radio worth approximately $100 and two cheap plastic totes were also collected before the perp(s) fled the parole office.

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;Somewhere in between all this exhausting sneak thievery, our perp(s) worked up an appetite. What to do? Grab a bite, of course. Police reports state that after lifting the computers, "the suspects proceeded to the kitchen area where they ate a small meal that was left" by an officer the previous day.

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;The real question at hand is whether those responsible for the buffoonery were currently undergoing probation. No doubt, if so, stealing a couple of bites from your parole or probation officer's leftover Pop-Tart has got to burn.

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;DEC. 21, 6:59 P.M.: Two brothers visiting their O-Town auntie, one 17 and the other 18, were out and about with relatives, heel-and-toeing the 4200 block of Raleigh Street near Lenox Boulevard; until two 15-year-old punks scared the living shit out of them, that is.

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;The bullies, one sporting 2-inch braids and the other a black-and-blond mohawk, arrived on a miniature banana-colored bicycle — tough stuff — and wasted no time unveiling a handgun. Braid boy waved it in the air like he just didn't care and demanded cash. One of the victims tossed him a wallet, but because it was empty, the tyrannizing twosome hurled it right back at him. They did, however, succeed in sucking seven bucks and some change from one of the brother's pockets before pedaling away.

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;Ready for the crazy part? The out-of-towners and their trio of witnesses refused to press any charges. Instead, apparently, they'd rather these jailbait goofwads keep cruising our streets on that banana-hued bike.

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;DEC. 26, 7:59 P.M.: Here's some holiday cheer for you.

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; 'Twas the day after Christmas, and a 52-year-old man was parked in front of a grocery store with his beaut of a bicycle, a women's Schwinn valued at $25, in the 800 block of Federal Street. He was minding his own beeswax when three little boys approached — one approximately 15 years old, the second 13 and the youngest 12.

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;"That bike looks like my brother's bicycle," the camouflage-clad 15-year-old said to the man, police reports state.

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;Sure it does, you smartass, the elder likely thought to himself. He counteracted by reassuring the lad that it indeed was not his brother's bicycle. But that wasn't what the young'uns wanted to hear.

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;"You're going to give me that bicycle," declared the juvenile ringleader, meanwhile peek-a-booing what looked like the grip of a handgun from his jacket pocket.

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;The man at this point should have seized opportunity and punched all three pre-pubescent pueriles in their snotty faces, if you'd like this author's two cents, but he poked his head inside the grocery store and yelped for help, instead. Too late.

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;By then, the youngsters had pulled the hot wheels from our victim's desperate grasp and sped off into the night. The store clerk most graciously refused to call the cops for the man, so he walked home, wheel-less, to phone them on his own.

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;Fortunately, Santa Claus knows who's been naughty and who's been nice. It's going to be nothing but coal next year for those hellions.

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;DEC. 26, 8:31 P.M.: A 21-year-old woman collected toll money from hundreds of hurried drivers at an eastbound on-ramp toll plaza at South Orange Blossom Trail. Monotony might depict a routine evening working tolls, but not tonight. Things were about to get spicy.

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;That spiciness took the shape and form of a sunglass-sporting man dressed in khaki pants, a long-sleeved shirt and a black hat. He walked right up to our toll lady and blurted, "Give me the money, I want it all," police reports state. She also couldn't help but notice a bulging object beneath his sweater. No, not man-boobs; it looked like ;a gun.

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;He leaned into the booth and pushed the swelling mystery tool into the woman's "stomach area," reports state, noticing there wasn't much money inside the cash register. Then he swiped a bag of loot from inside the booth, its chiming contents totaling $398, and hit the road — toward the nearest Coinstar machine, probably.

; feedback@orlandoweekly.com

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