POLICE BEAT 


;JAN. 8, 10:29 A.M.: A man headed over to an apartment off South Kirkman Road to help his brother pack. The bro was breaking up with his woman and needed outtie, pronto. As he packed goodies into boxes, he suddenly heard what sounded like the wailing of a baby — his brother's ex's wee one. He kept packing, disregarding the cries, until he dragged a suitcase out of the room and the shrieking grew louder. Near the stove, he observed, stood the baby's mama. When he asked where this mysterious mewling came from, she simply ignored the question and walked out the door. A fishy sign, indeed.

;;That's when it hit him: Could it be that the baby babble was coming from the oven? As he approached, the picture worsened; the oven was on, and the baby was inside. Brother turned it off and removed one screaming, clothed child smothered in oven grease, but not butter or meatloaf seasonings, thankfully. Police reports state "the oven was not hot enough to burn the baby," according to the witness.

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;Now we've all heard of baby back ribs, but this is just uncalled for.

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;JAN. 11, 2:51 A.M.: We couldn't officially kick-start 2007 without a tobacco heist or two, this being Orlando and all.

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;Early this morning, a nicotine-needing perp or perps used a brick to smash the glass front door of a gas station in the 900 block of South Orange Avenue, doing $250 worth of damage in the process. But inside, the value of stolen cancer sticks would exceed the price of spoiled property. It is estimated that $350 worth of miscellaneous cigarette cartons were pocketed, along with 15 bucks. Change set aside for Trident or Altoids, perhaps?

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;JAN. 14, 3:53 A.M.: A man, 53, locked up and left a juvenile assessment center in the 1400 block of West Colonial Drive for the day, but would be greeted with a surprise upon returning. Some time that evening, yet another unknown suspect or suspects lurking ;O-Town's alleyways emerged — this time, not bearing bricks but one very chunky rock. The hurled stone smashed the family center's glassy front door and the suspect(s) set to work. But what on earth could be on the grab-and-go agenda at a child evaluation center? Three-ring binders and Bic pens?

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;A $300 fax machine, that's what. The mammoth apparatus somehow was dragged back beyond the shattered entryway and into the streets, and it hasn't been seen since.

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;JAN. 14, 9:26 A.M.: A 25-year-old man was on his way home from collecting rent for his pappy. He and his 2004 Ford pickup were coming to a rolling halt at a stop sign near Messina Avenue and King Cole Boulevard when he spotted the flashing lights behind him. Popos.

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;In a black Chevy Impala, though? Must be, our victim thought to himself, because the headlights kept flashing. A man in dark clothing with hair braided backward exited the Impala and walked right up to the man's driver-side window. Meanwhile, his counterpart, a clean-shaven dude dressed in a blue shirt, stood at the passenger-side window. If our cornered victim still possessed any doubt that these suckers were cops, his suspicions evaporated upon eyeballing a teensy star-shaped badge dangling from one of the suspect's necks.

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;The twosome notified the driver that he'd run a stop sign at Ladue Court and Kirkland Boulevard, then demanded license and registration. While reaching for his wallet, though, police reports state that one "cop" cried, "Don't move or I'll shoot you!" while pressing a semiautomatic to the driver's head. He surrendered the wallet, of course — stuffed with $1,800 cash — and likely felt like an absolute dumbass for believing the cops would cruise the morning streets in black Impalas, sporting street clothes and star-badge pendants.

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;JAN. 15, 1:54 P.M.: If you found the prior acts of hooliganism despicable, how's vandalizing a midget football league's portable for loathsome doings?

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; When the team left its portable in the 3500 block of LB McLeod Road after a meeting Wednesday night, it returned to the following on Monday, police reports state: The team found "desks to be toppled over, trophies to be smashed, mustard smeared on the floor and vulgar words written on the whiteboard. They also found cheerleader uniforms and football equipment thrown about the portable. … They also took copper pipes from the two outside air conditioning units, as well as a 2005 runner-up trophy for the Kiwanis Kumquat Bowl, which was written in color."

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;Although $425 worth of trophies was smashed, the $2,000 worth of damaged air conditioning units wins the award for priciest act of vandalism. Staining carpets and walls with condiments sucks, no doubt, but depriving a football league of frosty air after a sweaty game on the field? Stealing the Kumquat Bowl trophy? Low, ;low, low.

; feedback@orlandoweekly.com

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