APRIL 27, 10:29 A.M.: Another attempted apartment laundry-room theft, this time in the 2800 block of Plaza Terrace Drive.

The unknown suspect or suspects sneaked inside the laundry room with ease, seeing as it's left open and unsecured 24 hours a day, police reports state. No, said perp or perps had not come to steal their lady neighbor's thong panties, nor had they come to soak their own dirty underoos in Tide. Different day, same plan: to pry into coin-storage compartments and pocket the dosh.

Some unknown tool deemed useful at slicing open coin-insert trays was employed on two dryers and one washer without success. "The suspects partially pried the door of the coin storage compartment for one washer, but the compartment was still locked upon inspection," police reports add. Perhaps this is a sign that petty coin-laundry theft is on the decline.

APRIL 28, 2:37 A.M.: A 34-year-old man decided he wanted to go hang at the bar, leaving his house in the 4500 block of Wheatley Street at about midnight. When he headed back to the homestead for a night of restful snoozing, however, there was nothing cozy about it.

It was 2:30 A.M. when our fellow returned and noticed the kicked-in front door that'd cost 200 bucks to repair. Inside? Not any better. The crib had been ransacked, not to mention $100 worth of miscellaneous clothing from our victim's wardrobe was missing, as was a gray ".25 caliber semiautomatic 6-shot handgun," reports state.

"While inside the house, we observed a clear plastic bag containing approximately 100 smaller plastic bags, the kind that are used to package illegal narcotics," adds Officer Hernandez in the police report. Hmmm. And I suppose we're to believe the burglar dropped those while raiding the victim's closet? Word to the wise: Hide your nose-candy paraphernalia before inviting the cops over.

APRIL 28, 3:51 A.M.: Another filching fad that hardly ever grows tired — cigarette swiping — took place over the weekend at a local pharmacy in the 1200 block of East Colonial Drive.

It is reported that an unknown bearded, glove-wearing man pried the glass front doors open with nothing but a crowbar. Inside, the suspect wasted no time stuffing cigarette cartons into a bulky black sack, much like a bearded Santa might have done, before heading back out the door and morphing into pitch blackness. "K-9 was immediately contacted," police reports add, "at which point a search of the property was met with negative results." No Scooby Snacks for the bow-wows.

Wondering how many cancer sticks, exactly, our hairy fellow scored? The store manager, 21, estimated that not 20, not 50, but 137 cig packs were taken, valued approximately at $526. She also identified the burglar as the same dude who broke in just two nights prior after reviewing the surveillance recording, though he wasn't lucky enough to make off with 137 packs of lung treats that time.

APRIL 28, 7:25 A.M.: Here's proof that skyrocketing gas prices are driving folks to extremes.

A 49-year-old man, employed at a construction site, states that he and his men left the job after a hard day's work the previous evening in the 11300 block of Boggy Creek Road. That's when our suspect or suspects struck, sucking approximately 1,200 gallons of diesel fuel out of some nearby fuel tanks. But the $4,500 worth of transportation juice wasn't all our petrol perp(s) sought. Also acquired: a 30-foot fuel hose valued at $260, a $400 fuel meter and lastly, a fuel pump worth $3,025. So not fair.

"Latents were not attempted due to the construction site being covered in dirt and diesel fuel," police reports state.

APRIL 30, 10 A.M.: We conclude this week with another residential burglary, this time at a 77-year-old woman's house in the 20 block of Nancy Lee Avenue.

An unknown suspect or suspects broke into the house by first walking into an unlocked screened-in porch, then prying the screen out of a door and reaching inside to unfasten the deadbolt. But our most peculiar perp(s) didn't engage in the stealing spree one might suspect; someone just wanted to redecorate, according to police reports:

"Once inside, unknown person(s) moved a plastic patio chair from the porch into the laundry room … moved two boxes containing light bulbs from the top shelf above the washer and dryer onto the dryer … moved a plastic cover from inside a paper bag … placing it into the recycling bin just next to the paper bag."

A pair of flashlights also was shifted from shelves in the living room onto a shelf above the washer and dryer in the laundry room. As for our poor senior lassie, she's clueless as to how this could've happened, because "she has not left her home in days," reports add.

Could this be the work of Todd Oldham on a courteous mission to revamp our elders' homes overnight? Police reports do not speculate.


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