APRIL 9, 6:46 P.M.: A 41-year-old woman with a big ol' gap between her two upper front teeth walked into a popular pharmacy in the 2350 block of South Hiawassee Road. She had elaborate plans.

The damsel approached the sales counter with an armful of three packages of Huggies diapers, size 5. We all know the piss protectors — $13.99 a pop — aren't cheap. But really, shouldn't one in such dire financial straits consider postponing child-bearing? We digress. Off our soapbox and back to the matter at hand.

An argument ensued at the register as our sales associate swore she "recognized the suspect from the video surveillance of a shoplifting which had occurred a day earlier," according to police reports. But before police arrived to resolve the dispute, our diaper-swiper was out the door with her size-5 prize.

MAY 3, 8:16 A.M.: Some Orlandoans sure can be sneaky — particularly those who wear ninja masks while thieving.

The warehouse of a business known for providing transportation and logistics services fell victim to our samurai's wrath this Thursday in the 9080 block of Boggy Creek Road. Stealthy carving skills were deemed necessary to slip inside this technological joint, police reports state, as two suspects employed a "cutting instrument" to remove a tiny window, then to craft an ample hole to crawl inside. Security video further reflects the masked miscreants "climbing in through the hole and then handing, to unknown person(s) outside, boxes of computers and audio/visual equipment," police reports state. Said "audio/visual equipment" would total $100,000, making this one helluva rockin' evening for the ninjas.

Our disguised mercenary agents then fled with the boxed goods, likely back-flipping their way back home to plan the next technological ninjutsu mission.

MAY 4, 2:12 A.M.: While cruising through the 400 block of South Orange Blossom Trail this tenebrous morning, an unidentified passerby spotted something fishy: a shattered window at a local fried chicken and fish plank fast-food restaurant. Yep, the same one our city's suspects keep raiding for midnight munchies.

This time, one hefty concrete slab hurled into the southern window granted our suspect(s) total access to the deep-fried white meats. But the authorities aren't sure any chicken tenders were actually swiped. What we do know, however, is that the "suspect(s) opened a storage freezer behind the counter," and two single frozen fries were left behind on the dining-area floor. Mmm, mmm, good!

Whatever is in those frosted potato sticks must be magical considering this is the third trip back for a snack we've reported since April. Damage to the window is estimated to be approximately $1,000.

MAY 4, 2:06 P.M.: A 38-year-old lady was in the mood for some afternoon boob-tube action at her apartment home in the 4700 block of Walden Circle. But she encountered a problem upon turning the TV on — transmission from the satellite dish was awfully screwy.

Logically, she gave Dish Network a ring to ask WTF was going on, and they "advised her to check the sky and see if it was cloudy," police reports state. So she stepped outside, peered up to the heavens and discovered two things: The skies weren't misty and murky, but both satellite dishes on her patio were missing.

The police determined that the satellite-swiping suspect(s) probably scaled our woman's fenced-in patio, then extracted the dish duo and cut the coaxial cable. "It should be noted," police reports add, "that a similar theft of satellite dishes occurred in this complex approximately three weeks prior and it appears as if the suspect(s) is targeting Dish Network equipment and leaving Direct TV equipment behind." Hmmm.

Fortunately, the satellite dishes were only worth $180, but being forced to miss out on midday Blind Date and Divorce Court reruns is a much greater loss.

MAY 7, 2:39 A.M.: Let's get back to ne'er-do-wells who swindle the most worthless crap you could possibly fathom, shall we?

Apparently, as of late, the BMW-lined streets of sunny Baldwin Park have been a popular spot to scope out O-town's scummiest. Off-duty Officer McNichols scoped out the area of Common Way Road and Virginia Drive from his copper-mobile this early morn, only to note "several spools of wire" at the end of the street, police reports state. Peculiar indeed.

It appears as if our perpetrator(s) broke into a building under construction in the 1750 block of Common Way Road, starting the spree off by prying several locks off doors and scanning "three electrical rooms and four data rooms" for worthy swag, reports state. A substantial amount of absolutely fabulous wire and cable was taken from those rooms. In fact, due to the amount of wire taken, "it is believed the suspects spent hours in the building which is under construction." Damage for the actual wire theft is estimated to be approximately $20,000, though a company employee guesses the cost of labor to replace the wire will double our grand total to $40,000.


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