POLICE BEAT 


;JULY 10, 7:59 A.M.: What do Orlando burglars do to beat the heat? Steal air conditioning equipment, of course.

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;On this Tuesday morning, before the scorching summer sun induced sweat in Central Florida, a suspect or suspects set to work breaking into a business workshop in the 1730 block of Gurtler Court. Inside, the following items made the hot list: one black-and-silver vacuum pump and a blue refrigerant recovery machine, among other cooling swag. Once the A/C equipment had been swiped, the perp or perps topped their spree off by taking a black leaf blower with orange letters. Then they split, their chilled-air booty totaling $2,100.

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;JULY 11, 10:48 P.M.: Here's a cheesy tale we've all heard before.

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;A 31-year-old man set out tonight to deliver one pair of saucy pizza pies to an apartment complex in the 4500 block of Commander Drive. Three unknown boys – each approximately 14 years of age –emerged from the darkness, their mouths watering for mozzarella. They told the deliveryman they had ordered the pie "but they were waiting for another person to come pay," police reports state, like their mom or someone who could actually afford to pay for it, perhaps. "One of the suspects was acting like he was calling someone," reports add, while another suspect occupied himself like so: He approached the pizza man and "stuck something in his back." That something was a .22 handgun.

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;"If you don't give up the money, I will pop you," one of our minors told the man, reports state.

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;And that's all it took for these chaps to score a late-night snack. Our deliveryman gladly dished out $17 cash, along with the grub and a couple of carbonated beverages for the trio to wash it all down. Meanwhile, our pizza's rightful owner missed out on a meal.

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;JULY 13, 9:52 A.M.: Sometime this evening, some other burglar or burglars struck the 12300 block of Lake Nona Gateway Blvd., this time settling for more unconventional, and inedible, items.

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;The suspect or suspects began by breaking into a fire station under construction and immediately bypassed all the items one might have expected a bored burglar to tote: pots, pans and leftover casseroles from the kitchen; shiny boots; emergency lights – you know, the usual hodgepodge of crap O-Town perpetrators tend to be drawn to. Instead, our perp or perps removed "five aluminum vents" from the apparatus bay of the fire station, police reports state. Reports add that "several subcontractors have access to the site, as well as day laborers," though by the time officers arrived, "heavy equipment had been used throughout the site, thus destroying any physical evidence." Bummer.

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;The aluminum vents are valued between $6,000 and $10,000.

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;JULY 14, 11:42 A.M.: One funkalicious car audio and video store we all know well from TV commercials wouldn't be safe tonight. At some point that night, an unknown suspect or suspects made their way toward the groovy shop in the 2900 block of East Colonial Drive and settled for an array of more practical goods. Two Norcent TVs, valued at $12,000 altogether, were taken, along with six "subfusion power plants" built to blast the sickest jams a suspect could ask for. The subwoofers are going to cost approximately $3,000 to replace, while the doors smashed in the break-in will cost $4,000 to fix.

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;Big Diggler's going to have to have his hoes work some extra shifts if he plans on recovering those pricy pieces.

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;JULY 17, 10:06 A.M.: Here we have a particularly sick burglar (or burglars) who lives to keep things interesting.

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;The suspect or suspects emerged sometime this evening with elaborate plans and broke into a private residence under construction, located in the 1600 block of Northumberland Avenue, via a boarded-up garage door. After dislodging the entryway and basically "knocking it down," police reports state, the suspect or suspects did all a man or woman could do in a vacant, half-constructed house: vandalize. First, the window of an outside door in the north utility room was shattered to shards by unknown means. Next on the agenda, the suspect or suspects smashed a few windowpanes on a free-standing door that had been leaning against a wall inside the house. Nothing exciting nor rebellious thus far, but you know we like to save the best for last.

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;Our suspect or suspects chose to walk into "the northeast bedroom area" and smear handfuls of fecal matter onto a single door and an exterior window, police reports state.

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;The damaged windows and doors will cost approximately $2,000 to repair. The poopy mess, on the other hand, will be quite simple to clean, though it may be in the contractor's best interest not to tell future residents about the shitty walls.

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