AUG. 28, 9:19 A.M.: Some burglars like hard cash. Some like expensive jewelry. Some like frozen alligator heads.

A suspect or suspects broke into a peculiar three-sided building in the 1000 block of West Church Street on this morning. According to police reports, the rear of the building is "completely open," sealed only by a "6-foot chain link fence with barbed wire at the top." Scaling the barricade was simple.

Once inside, the perp(s) rummaged through an unlocked toolbox attached to an open utility trailer at the rear of the building, but found nothing. Next up, they tampered with an outboard motor, reports state, attempting to pry it away with the help of an "unknown tool from an inflatable boat" within the building. This tool, however, apparently sucked. Not only were the motors not heisted, the suspect(s) also "possibly cut themselves as there was a reddish/brown substance" found near the motor, reports add.

A laundry basket was ultimately employed to haul the gator heads off, reports state. "This basket may have been used to carry food (frozen meat and a frozen gator head) that was taken from a freezer." The stolen native meats totaled approximately $200.

AUG. 28, 4:22 P.M.: This muggy afternoon, a 12-year-old lad pedaled down the 5100 block of Raleigh Street near Deerock Drive on his smokin' BMX-style bicycle. He didn't have a care in the world, until a trio of malefactors looking to be in their 20s showed up.

The three boys, two of whom were also riding bikes, had their eyes on the victim's red-and-white hot wheels. They called out to the adolescent, beckoning that they wanted his sweet ride, which naturally encouraged the lad to pedal away from the scene with all due haste. But the O-Town streets ain't always pretty, and our young victim was shoved off his bike and onto the ground the second the hoodlums caught up.

Bruised like a banana and left lonesome on the pavement, our preteen watched as "the suspect that was not currently riding a bicycle ran up and rode off," police reports state. The wheels will cost $200 to replace, reports add.

AUG. 30, 10:14 A.M.: An unknown suspect or suspects broke into a Chinese restaurant in the 1900 block of East Colonial Drive before 10 a.m. Method of entry: smashing the glass front window, of course, and carefully crawling inside. It's a good thing the restaurant wasn't equipped with its own alarm system, either, as this gave our perp(s) extra time to scrounge. Now would've been a stellar time to stock up on Szechuan chicken, pork fried rice and beef lo mein for dinners to come, but our suspect(s) didn't do that. They bagged booze instead.

Overall, an assorted $800 worth of liquor went missing, as well as approximately $230 of cash and coins from the register, police reports state.

The front door will cost $100 to repair, reports add, money that could have been better spent on duck sauce.

AUG. 30, 9:03 P.M.: A new low has been reached.

This evening, a 59-year-old man slowly made his way on foot toward the Central Florida Fairgrounds in the 4600 block of West Colonial Drive. He was heading in the direction of Fairvilla Road when he stumbled upon a garbage dumpster filled with waste, and wrongdoers, too. There were three, to be exact, ranging in ages from 18 to 21 years, all wearing denim shorts. They were each "armed with long sticks," police reports state, and we don't mean the kind you take a whiz with.

Rather than battering our victim with bare fists or scaring him with a gun, these fashion-challenged bad boys beat him with sticks, striking him on the left side of his head and knocking him onto the concrete, police reports state. In addition to getting a swollen face and eye and a fat lip, the victim was also stripped of a $15 black leather shoulder bag and a $21 flashlight "with four D cell batteries inside."

The man "never gave anyone permission to hit him with a stick," reports state. We certainly hope not.

SEPT. 3, 10:47 A.M.: Not everyone sat on their butts at home this Labor Day. Some burglars didn't take a break.

A suspect or suspects broke into a cabinet-refacing business nestled in the 1200 block of West Robinson Street sometime before this morning, but had no luck in acquiring an in-home estimate on how much it might cost to spruce up their kitchen cabinets. In fact, the perp or perps had no need for mahogany doors or natural maple cabinets. All they desired was a set of two screw guns. The suspect(s) split thereafter, leaving the front door open, police reports state.


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