OCT. 20, 2:52 A.M.: Early this morning a man, 60, wandered out of a homeless shelter in the 600 block of West Central Boulevard. He should have left after sunrise, for ne’er-do-wells lurked in dark corners.

The enemy was quick to emerge, consisting of two men, police reports state, one of whom went by the name of “New York.” We know what you’re thinking, but he was not related to a certain Flavor Flav–lovin’ chocolate diva (though full of piss and vinegar all the same).

“Buy me a drink,” New York nagged, police reports add.

“No, I don’t have any money,” the victim replied and kept walking. Unfortunately, New York is apparently accustomed to getting what he wants. One body slam to the pavement later and our nomad of the night lay sprawled on the ground with a knife pressed against his neck. A wallet containing $15 was picked from a pants pocket, and the suspects split.

OCT. 20, 5:30 A.M.: The 38-year-old owner of a meat market in the 3800 block of Winter Rose Drive came to work to find the back door of his business open this morning.

A suspect or suspects apparently pried open the back door, which was barricaded. But what next? A surplus of sausage, beef brisket and other cuts of meat could’ve been toted, but the perp(s) simply craved lung treats. Yes, cigarettes only – an undetermined amount – were removed from behind the cashier counter. Although the business is equipped with cameras, video surveillance is not recorded, police reports add. Shame.

OCT. 20, 9:53 P.M.: Here we have a couple of suspects genuinely interested in edibles.

A 26-year-old pizza guy was making the customary rounds tonight and stopped for a delivery at an apartment complex in the 5800 block of West Oak Ridge Road. The errand would be interrupted, however, when two hungry Howies approached and chose to make a sandwich out of the man. “Just keep walking,” the suspects told him, according to police reports, while one fellow poked what felt like a gun into his back. When they reached a secluded tree line behind the apartments, everyone stopped. The punks then swiped a hot $100 and the pizza, of course, leaving nothing more than its oregano-infused aroma behind.

Specific instructions not to move were given to our delivery man, but “he got back into his car and continued his deliveries,” police reports add. Employee of the month, there.

OCT. 21, 10:37 A.M.: A 55-year-old lady was getting awfully drowsy at her abode in the 400 block of South Lee Avenue and decided to take her “sleep medication” at approximately 12:30 a.m. the night prior, police reports state. The next 10 hours of slumber might’ve been sweet, but waking up to thievery proved disturbing.

She arose to an unlocked front door and immediately noted a slew of stolen items, like a $139 prepaid cell phone, $8 cash and, last but not least, a $225 gold chain with a cross pendant. She recalls the gold chain “had been around her neck when she went to sleep, and when she awoke, it was gone,” reports add. Like magic, or a jewelry commercial … sort of.

Here’s a juicy additive: This is the second time in a three-week period that our missus has awoken to an unlocked front door and stolen stuff. Although she’d previously urged her landlord to change the deadbolt, “it appears to have not been changed,” police reports state.

OCT. 22, 5:43 P.M.: If we know one thing, it’s that Orlando criminals go bonkers for bicycles.

Trouble this afternoon started a-brewing when a woman let a friend borrow her son’s smoking-hot red beach cruiser. The thankful pal took it for a spin, then stopped by to return it at their mobile home in the 1200 block of South Orange Blossom Trail. But he’d noted something on the trip: a peculiar, golden-toothed man was following him. In fact, the golden-toothed guy followed him the entire way there and suddenly charged up to the home’s patio area demanding the bicycle be relinquished.

Mama told gold-tooth a fair exchange would require paying her the same price she’d paid for the bike, but we all know fair hoodlums are hard to come by. The offer didn’t stick; what did were the bullets his .38 silver revolver was about to expel.

As the 18-year-old tried avoiding further drama by escaping into the trailer home, the suspect followed him inside. Two gunshots resounded. Then the suspect strolled out by himself and pointed the firearm at a woman running, clutching her baby with a frantic grip. The coast was clear for now, perhaps, so he placed the weapon in his waistband like a true cowboy and pedaled off on his shiny new ride.

The teenage victim, on the other hand, sustained a hole in his left hand and a chewed-up right shoulder due to a grazing bullet. How’s that for an dishonorable exchange?


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