OCT. 30, 1:20 P.M.: How exactly does one swipe eight bathtubs from a 16-story building? Eight freaking bathtubs! Not to mention a water heater from the fifth floor? How do you do that without someone noticing? Anyway, it happened in the 20 block of Lake Avenue, at a construction site where the victimized building “cannot be locked or secured at this time,” Officer Everett informs us. The haul was worth $2,261. That’s not a lot of money for a caper requiring this much manpower. Where did they load this crap? It’s not like you can stick bathtubs on the roof of your car and drive around, right? Did they rent a semi? Seriously, we can’t wrap our brains around this one.

OCT. 30, 5:12 P.M.: Our suspect(s) popped the locks to a restaurant in the 800 block of North John Young Parkway, but didn’t swipe anything inside. Instead, the perp headed for a mobile barbecue business parked out back. Let’s get the play-by-play from Officer Kelly: “[Victim] stated his truck … was parked at the rear of the above address. [Victim] stated his vehicle was burglarized and a food warmer valued at $1,500 and a generator valued at $1,500 were taken from his truck. [Victim] stated no one had permission to enter the property or the truck and remove any items from either.”

OCT. 31, 9:25 A.M.: Police Beat Tip o’ the Week: When napping in a chair on your front porch – particularly in the 3430 block of South Orange Avenue – remember to keep your doors closed. Otherwise your laptop might not be there when you wake up.

OCT. 31, 11:33 A.M.: We’re not ones to salute criminals, but this robbery impressed us. The suspect(s) knocked a hole in the back wall of this clothing store in the 3500 block of Old Winter Garden Road – which is protected out front by an alarm system with motion detectors – sneaked in and made off with $23,890 worth of goodies, including 48 pairs of Air Jordan, 425 (!) pairs of men’s jeans and 50 skirts and dresses too, for the ladies. Then our bad guy(s) escaped out of the same hole in the wall and vanished. Trick or treat!

NOV. 2, 12:54 A.M.: Twice in eight hours, a Christian ministry in the 540 block of West Central Boulevard called the cops about a break-in. Round one: A suspect smashed a window, climbed inside and jacked two 12-inch speakers and a keyboard.

NOV. 2, 8:10 A.M.: Round two: Fast-forward eight hours. Another smashed window. “Nothing appeared to be taken,” the cops report. Guess that’s what passes for good news in Parramore these days.

NOV. 3, 4:33 A.M.: Our victim awoke to a gray-bearded stranger in his house in the 800 block of Colyer Street, standing outside his bedroom, demanding to know, “What the hell are you doing in my house?”

“I live here, dipshit.” (Poetic license invoked). Our victim chased the graybeard into the night, then discovered that his washer and dryer were missing. He believes the two events may be connected.

NOV. 4, 8:01 P.M.: So if you’re a clerk at a pharmacy chain, and a customer is pointing a knife at your head, you’d think that’d be a pretty good message as to his intentions, right? Maybe not. After ordering two packs of Marlboro Lights from this chain pharmacy, our suspect whipped out a knife, pointed it at the clerk, and politely demanded, “Do me a favor and empty your register.” Our clerk, according to police reports, “stated that she was not sure what he said at first.” The bad guy reasserted his apparently unclear intentions, and the clerk forked over $243 from the register and the two packs of smokes and watched our villain haul ass.

NOV. 5, 3:15 A.M.: This week’s installment of truck versus window, which takes place at a store in the 1400 block of South Crystal Lake Drive, ends predictably enough. Take it away, Officer Crook (no, really): “Two of the [store’s] cameras recorded a midsized pickup truck enter the parking lot and back into the parking space in front of the wall that was damaged. The lights on the pickup truck went out for several moments, before the truck pulled forward and then quickly reversed into the building.” The store’s owner thinks the folks inside this P.O.S. – described by Officer Crook as “a late 1980’s or early 1990’s pickup truck with a two-toned paint job, dark on top and dark on bottom with a light color in the middle” – were after the money inside his ATM, but they took off without getting anything.

NOV. 5, 10:43 A.M.: Some punk(s) jacked 250 feet of electrical wire from a city storage facility in the 8500 block of Binnacle Way. Note to city employees: Next time, please keep the electrical box locked. The fence around the storage facility isn’t doing the trick, and copper wire seems to be a hot commodity. Thanks.


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