NOV. 13, 7:31 P.M.: Something doesn’t add up here. A guy gets shot in the leg in the 3300 block of West Colonial Drive by some gold-toothed, dreadlocked thug and decides not to press charges. To muck things up a little more, the victim knew his shooter, according to police reports. More weirdness: “Units also searched for spent casings from the fired shot by the suspect,” Officer Lundy writes. “The search was with negative results. There were no signs of spent casings or blood from [the victim’s] leg at the scene of occurrence.” No blood, no casings, no desire to see the dude who capped you spend 10 years in the state pen? We don’t get it.

NOV. 15, 1:11 P.M.: Officer Nazien relates the following from a liquor store in the 5100 block of North Lane: “[T]he suspect came into the store, walked in the middle aisle, and got a bag of pork rinds. He then walked to the counter and paid with four quarters. After the purchase, he pulled out a gun and threatened to kill [the cashier] if she did not open up the cash register. She opened up the register as ordered. The suspect took an unknown amount of cash from the register while repeatedly telling [the victim] to keep her eyes down or he would kill her.”

Note to cons: The whole “keep your eyes down” thing never works. Our victim gave the cops a pretty detailed description of the gunman, and an even better description of his getaway car: “[Victim] describes the vehicle as a black Ford F-250 truck, very clean, chrome accessories, big rims, large tires, and a loud engine.”

NOV. 15, 4:34 P.M.: Police Beat Tip o’ the Week: If you must carry $1,000 in cash, do not do so near the intersection of Long Road and North Lake Orlando Parkway.

Our victim was walking to a check-cashing store to get a money order for rent, when two men who passed him stopped and asked him for a smoke. He obliged, but “all of a sudden, he was hit in the head with an unidentified object from one of the other black males that had passed him,” Officer Jones tells us. He fell to his knees, as one of his assailants reached into his back pocket and grabbed his wallet. Gone was his rent money, a Sam’s Club card, a debit card and a pallet-jack license, whatever that is. “[Victim] said he did not give anyone permission to take his items and prosecution is desired,” the report continues. “No medical attention was requested, but there was swelling to [victim’s] forehead on the right side.” We hope this chap has an understanding landlord.

NOV. 16, 1 P.M.: Some vandals are just willing to go the extra mile. Like the suspect or suspects who smashed two glass panels on the 30th floor of a building under construction in the 110 block of East Washington Street, and also destroyed three installed windows and 15 windows in crates on the 31st floor. That’s dedication.

Then the ravager(s) spilled some glue on the roof and dug some holes into the rooftop. “Point of entry/exit is unknown, due to many openings on all floors of the building,” Officer Cowell reports. The cops don’t think our bad guy(s) traipsed up the stairs, however: “Access can be gained to both floors two ways; by the center stairwell or the bucket hoist. … The complainant stated the power [to] the bucket hoist is turned off at night; however, an employee stated he arrived to work at 0530 hours and the bucket hoist power was on.”

NOV. 17, 4:39 P.M.: See if you can figure out what drug our next victim was on. We’re going with meth, but we’re no experts. In any event, suffice it to say that this dude’s mellow got seriously harshed.

The story: Our victim walks into a garden section of a giant retailer in the 1800 block of South Semoran Boulevard. He’s sweating profusely, wiping his face and he just wants to purchase a couple of sodas from the vending machine. He does so, then meanders around the garden shop for another 10 minutes before heading back to his Toyota Corolla (left unlocked and idling in the fire lane, by the way). A suspect waits for him there, whips out a gun and jacks the car. The victim tells a witness to call the cops but doesn’t re-enter the store himself for another 10 minutes because he’s “speed walk[ing] between the front doors and the garden center,” Officer Osborne relates.

And now it gets weird. The store’s video camera didn’t pick up anything because the sun was shining directly into it.

“Neither witness ever saw Victim No. 1’s vehicle in the parking lot,” Osborne adds. “Victim No. 1 never told either witness that there was a suspect and that the suspect had threatened him with a gun. Victim No. 1’s description of the suspect matched the description of Witness No. 1, including the clothes.”

Then the police report has a bunch of lines blacked out. Osborne did notice that the victim’s “eyes were bloodshot and he appeared to be under the influence of an unknown type of substance.” You don’t say.


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