NOV. 21, 9:28 A.M.: There was a time when it seemed air-conditioner parts were to burglars what Twinkies are to fatties. This column chronicles such thievery all the damn time, but apparently those days have passed. (Perhaps it’s the bone-chilling winter we’re currently enduring.)

Take, for example, the plundering of a sporting goods store in the 4500 block of Old Winter Garden Road. The thieves had no interest in the AC unit. Rather, Officer Malik tells us, they “pushed it into the business and onto the floor … then crawled through the opening” where it once stood. They nabbed about $9,000 in clothing.

NOV. 21, 9:40 P.M.: How’s this for an unarmed robbery? You spot a Chinese delivery guy pulling into your complex, walk up to his car, open his door, grab the food from his lap and take off. That’s exactly what happened in the 1480 block of Mercy Drive. The cops got fingerprints, but couldn’t find the bad guys.

NOV. 22, 2:50 A.M.: It’s early Thursday morning (or as the kids call it, Wednesday night). You want to unwind a little. And being that you’re 21, that probably means getting shitfaced. (OK, we’re surmising, as there’s no mention of booze consumption in the police report; but come on, a 21-year-old guy at a nightclub at 2:50 a.m.? You do the math.)

A little word of warning: If your drunk ass gets evicted from a downtown nightclub, don’t try to get back in, and DO NOT smack a cop on the hand when he stops you. Have fun in jail, douchebag.

NOV. 24, 9:17 A.M.: Police Beat Tip o’ the Week: If you need a midnight snack, go to Taco Bell. Don’t raid a friggin’ church fridge. You’ll make the baby Jesus cry.

Someone, probably a Satan-worshipper or something, sneaked into a house of God in the 1510 block of South Semoran Boulevard, pried open the kitchen door and “ate and removed food from the refrigerator and cabinets,” Officer Satallante reports.

It’ll cost $150 to repair the doors and another $100 to restock the food. The damage to our thief’s soul may be irreparable.

NOV. 24, 11:28 A.M.: Two teenage thugs tried to snatch a purse from a 32-year-old woman near the intersection of Signal Hill Road and North Lane. The woman averted the robbery by, in Officer (Punky?) Brewster’s words, “`bending` her arm, which prevented the theft of her purse.”

NOV. 24, 6 P.M.: Missing persons alert! A man, 46, was last seen in the 4040 block of Shellman Street wearing a gold chain, a black T-shirt and short blue jeans. He seems to have wandered off. Officer Gabriel tells us that this fellow sports a receding hairline and, sometimes, a beard.

More importantly, though, he “has fluid on his brain and has not had his medication since Nov. 6, 2007.” That’s not good.

NOV. 25, 6:10 A.M.: You’d think a business would practice being more cautious after it had been broken into just four days prior. A little more cautious, anyway. Especially if someone had taken $9,000 worth of clothing by pushing an air-conditioning unit aside, then entering via the hole … wait, that sounds familiar. Wednesday’s ne’er-do-well(s) returned to the 4500 block of Old Winter Garden Road, fully prepared for round two of Operation Rag Nab.

“They removed approximately 60 dozen pair of boxer shorts, 36 dozen pair of men’s shirts, 20 dozen pair of men’s and ladies socks, and five dozen pair of men’s underwear” this time, Officer Buffkin reports. The booty only totals $1,396 today, but maybe said store should shore up its security going forward. Just a thought.

We’ll check back next week to see if our AC-moving thieves have gone back for round three.

NOV. 26, 8:39 A.M.: Clumsy pedophile alert!

A 13-year-old girl was waiting at a Lynx bus stop in the 4020 block of East Colonial Drive when an older perv pulled up in his SUV and started honking his horn and yelling at her to hop in his ride. She declined, but he persisted – at least until an employee from a nearby fast-food joint approached.

He took off, perhaps afraid that his mug may soon find its place on the Internet alongside fellow sexual predators. Of course, if he keeps up such antics, it won’t be long before he gets there anyway.


Latest in Police Beat

More by Paula Ferguson


Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.


© 2016 Orlando Weekly

Website powered by Foundation