NOV. 30, 4:49 P.M.: Two dudes in their 30s walked into a shoe store in the 1890 block of South Semoran Boulevard. One was wearing a blue jacket, the other a “flowered shirt,” according to Officer Vo.
Naturally, our toughs started stuffing lady shoes into a bag. Our clerk made the mistake of raising her voice while politely asking them to stop.
“Fuck you – no,” they replied.
Just to make their point, our pump-toting perpetrators pumped a pinch of pepper spray into all employee peepers. And before you could begin to chew on that tongue twister, the suspects split in a silver Toyota Camry.
NOV. 30, 11:52 A.M.: Listen up, criminals: Remember last week, when we told you that stealing food from church made the baby Jesus cry? Well, jacking actual money from His Holy Coffers, and then snatching up His Body Which Is Broken For You, will TOTALLY piss him off.
Still, some people seem determined to take their eternal salvation into peril. We don’t get it. Anyway, a priest told the cops that someone entered his church in the 5900 block of Oleander Drive, he assumed “through the unlocked west entry door, as all other doors and windows are kept locked after normal service hours and there were no signs of forced entry,” Officer Esan tells us. The suspect(s) pocketed an unknown amount of cash tips after prying open a collection box.
Then it was off to the sacristy, where our suspect(s) used a key hanging on the wall to unlock the tabernacle box and swipe the Eucharist (holy wafers, $30) and luna (case containing holy wafers, $90).
Hope y’all dig brimstone.
DEC. 2, 5:18 A.M.: Police Beat Tip o’ the Week: If you live in the 5750 block of North Lane, don’t exhibit unattended, expensive goods for sale on your front lawn. Like, you know, old ATVs. Some punks might get the wrong idea. And putting them in the garage at night doesn’t necessarily mean they’re safe.
Such is the case for our 19-year-old victim and her hubby, who awoke to a booming sound coming from their garage. Composition of the racket: Some suspect(s) smashing windows, drilling holes and removing a screen from the garage door to the tune of $250, Officer Behrens reports.
The perp(s) didn’t have enough time to make a dawn getaway on the four-wheeler, thanks to their boisterousness, but were spotted pedaling away on bikes.
DEC. 3, 7:30 A.M.: A cleaning crew arrived at a dental office in the 5480 block of Curry Ford Road bright and early this morning to find a “scorched business letter in front of the front door of the business,” Officer Cunnard reports. The flaming letter damaged the front door before going out.
DEC. 3, 9:46 A.M.: A man took an afternoon stroll to a check-cashing business in the 4450 block of South Semoran Boulevard. A-waitin’ for him there was a suspicious, hooded thug who may or may not have had a gun. “Give me your money,” he ordered our victim.
Our victim never saw the weapon, but he did see that the suspect “had something” (eyebrows, ears, a couple of hands, perhaps?) and relinquished $890 from his pocket “in fear of his life.”
DEC. 3, 1:10 P.M.: Most teenage derrieres are firmly planted in uncomfortable plastic chairs learning about obtuse triangles this time of day. They should be, anyway, but you know kids these days – truants and hoodlums, all of them. Well, at least these three who spent the afternoon snatching an old lady’s purse on South Semoran Boulevard. Our victim just wanted to get some change from her pocketbook to pay bus fare, but these three wieners snagged it off the ground and almost gave her a heart attack instead.
They skedaddled toward a nearby apartment complex, their newly acquired handbag stuffed with close to $60 and a pair of eyeglasses. Our victim declined prosecution, so we’ll keep our fingers crossed not to hear from such ruffians in coming weeks.
DEC. 4, 2:50 P.M.: Speaking of unruly teenagers, remember a time in high school when you could actually venture to the restroom to piddle between classes, knowing you’d make it back to Mr. Monaghan’s world history class safe and sound five minutes later? Those were the days. A 15-year-old boy scooted over to the little boys’ room at his school in the 6500 block of Turkey Lake Road this afternoon and was robbed at knife point by another boy, also 15. Reports don’t mention whether or not the boy wee-wee’d his pants in the process.
We’re going with “yes.” We’re mean that firstname.lastname@example.org
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