DEC. 8, 4:19 P.M.: Last month, burglars visited a sporting goods store in the 4500 block of Old Winter Garden Road. Twice. In one week. They pushed an AC unit out of their way, crawled through a hole in the wall and pilfered 60 dozen pairs of boxer shorts, 36 dozen pairs of men’s shirts, 20 dozen pairs of socks and five dozen pairs of men’s underwear, as well as $9,000 worth of additional apparel.

But guess what? The clothing with which they absconded isn’t nearly enough to make it through the rest of the year, so they – or someone else imitating their exploits – came back for round three of what we’ve affectionately tagged Operation Rag Nab. This time, they grabbed an extra 100 dozen pairs of socks valued at $500 – that’s 1,200 pairs of socks; damn – and 12 dozen more pairs of panties, worth $150, Officer Buffkin tells us. The good news: The cops may have found some fingerprints.

That said, we still would like to offer a word of advice: Hey, business owner, not to tell you how to run your business or anything, but you might want to think about some security upgrades.

DEC. 8, 5:20 P.M.: Police Beat Tip o’ the Week: If you’ve just stolen booze from the back window of a downtown bar, and a passer-by spots you and asks you politely to return said booze, do not reply, “Fuck you – call the cops.” He may in fact take you up on your invitation, as this particular meddler did. The cops later nabbed the two suspects near the intersection of Amelia Street and Parramore Avenue, Bacardi bottles in hand.

Our two culprits – age 47 and 51, respectively – told the cops the following tale: They were leaving the Orlando Sentinel newspaper building when they noticed that a window to the aforementioned bar’s storage facility was smashed in. So they helped themselves. When a passer-by on a bicycle told them that the booze was his, they ignored him and kept walking.

But they denied breaking the window. Which, we guess, is important, though they admitted stealing the booze. The nightclub’s manager didn’t believe them. “`The manager` stated that no one had permission to burglarize the building and on behalf of `the nightclub` he wishes to prosecute,” Officer Alban tells us. Our pair got a free ride to 33rd Street and were sadly separated from their liquor.

DEC. 9, 6:48 P.M.: Psst. Ever want to know how to evade Orlando cops who are hot on your tail? It’s simple, really: Run a red light.

Shortly after sunset, security cameras at a tire store in the 20 block of North Orange Blossom Trail spotted a dude hurling several tires into a pickup truck with an attached trailer. The cops were dispatched, and were closing in on our tire bandit when he … ran a red light. At that point, the on-duty watched commander “ordered all marked OPD patrol units to stop following the suspect,” reports tell us. Instead, the cops wanted to catch this fugitive with unmarked cars.

That didn’t work out so well. Unmarked cars engaged in a lengthy chase on I-4 into Seminole County, but eventually they too were ordered to stop.

More bad news: The cops were able to track the bad guy’s home address through his license plate, but “their efforts met with negative results.” Translation: The truck wasn’t there when the cops showed up.

The good news: During the second chase “the suspect obeyed the speed limits and all traffic laws,” reports add.

That’s nice police work, boys.

DEC. 9, 10:47 P.M.: The manager of a chain seafood restaurant (with really tasty, cheesy biscuits, and pretty shitty seafood) in the 5930 block of International Drive conducted a “physical count of various frozen seafood items” stored in a padlocked freezer, Officer Sanchez reports. Everything was there. He returned to the restaurant, left the freezer secured and did not activate the alarm “to avoid false alarm activations.”

Um, so how’d that work out? Our manager returned that evening and found more than a missing padlock.

What was missing? “One hundred eight pounds of king crab legs valued at $670, 120 pounds of small shrimp valued at $598, 160 pounds of large shrimp valued at $733 and 40 pounds of baby shrimp valued at $110, for a total value of $2,110,” reports tell us.

DEC. 12, 3:24 P.M.: This week, praise Jeebus, no heathens broke into houses of worship to jack holy wafers and other assorted eats from the church fridge. That doesn’t mean someone didn’t break into a church, though.

This week’s lucky church lies in the 700 block of West Concord Street. Some unknown and unholy suspect(s) entered via a shattered window and pilfered some money and guitars. The burglar(s) “left a trail of blood in the process and exited through the south door,” Officer Smith reports.


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