Jan. 25

(2008-36900) 7:48 a.m.: Someone broke into an Orange County government building on South Street and stole portable CD players. As it turns out, taxpayers got off easy. “The three-story building chock full of electronics and copper wire does not have an alarm system and is being remodeled,” Officer Linnenkamp writes.

(2008-37740) 6:12 p.m.: Cracky goodness! An informant bought rock from two dealers, both of whom fled when the fuzz showed up. Officers Ochiuzzo and Cute – awww – tracked them down.

Jan. 26

(2008-38404) 1:47 a.m.: A guy calls the cops to report an attempted armed robbery. He and his cousin were outside an apartment on Raleigh Street when a man approached them and demanded money. They refused. The bad guy whipped out a handgun and repeated his request. “When `victim` refused, `suspect` fired one shot into the air, ran around in a circle, and fired another shot into the air” before getting into a car and leaving, Officer Lovett writes. The cops tracked the suspect down. The suspect told them that the victim had welshed on a $500 poker debt, and he was just trying to get his money back.

Here the police report gets indecipherable: “It should be noted that the suspect advised that `the victim` was able to take his firearm after the robbery. During the interview, `the suspect` stated that at no time did `the victim` approach the passenger side of the vehicle. `Victim` returning `suspect’s` firearm to his vehicle and placing under the passenger seat, exclude all reasonable theories of action which could have occurred during this incident.”

(2008-38578) 5:58 a.m.: OPD has something called the “Joint Anti-Crime Task Force,” which arrested a 25-year-old woman for crack possession this morning. Here’s some wonderful copspeak, courtesy of Officer Krafft: “I asked `suspect` if she had any ‘stems’ or ‘crack.’ These are common street terms for `pipes used for` smoking crack cocaine and crack cocaine respectively. I asked the arrestee what she was hiding in her jacket and she showed us a brown bottle that was approximately three-quarters full with liquid. It had the odor of alcoholic impurities and was labeled ‘Budweiser.’” She also had crack, so she went to jail.

(2008-38684) 9:10 a.m.: Model homes make attractive targets, because no one’s there and developers equip them with all sorts of niceties to attract buyers, who by now are all stuck in adjustable-rate mortgages and couldn’t get financing for a cardboard box under a bridge. The bad guys made off with a refrigerator, a dishwasher and a microwave.

(2008-38785) 10:53 a.m.: Thieves pulled some James Bond shit on Silver Star Road and took a blowtorch to a business’ metal roll-up door. They made off with eight plasma televisions and two projectors.

Jan. 27

(2008-39730) 4:50 a.m.: If a cop is arresting you and you push his arm and kick the doors of his squad car, that’s called “resisting arrest with violence.”

(2008-40082) 9:04 a.m.: If you’re going to go to the trouble of jumping a barbed-wire fence, please try to steal something more interesting than the hood of a car. I’ve got a column to write.

(2008-40633) 8:08 p.m.: Our suspect lurked inside a mechanic’s shop on West Anderson Street, waiting for said mechanic to turn away from a 2000 Dodge Durango. When he went to fetch a screwdriver, the female suspect – described as having a “chubby face” – jumped in the car, gunned the ignition and hauled ass. The cops caught her a little while later.

(2008-40253) 12:54 p.m.: Police Beat Tip o’ the Week: Driving around with 164 grams of blow in your car is not a good idea. Neither is trying to gyp your prospective customers: Our suspect – who tried to flee the scene before rendezvousing with Mr. Taser – had four sandwich bags of white powder in his car. “The white powdery substance in three of the sandwich bags `tested` presumptively positive for cocaine,” Officer Bowlin reports. “The white powdery substance in the fourth plastic sandwich bag `tested` negative for cocaine and is an unknown substance.”

Dude, cutting the white lady with baking soda is not cool.


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