Feb. 14
(2008-67537) 1:58 a.m.: Happy Valentine’s Day, dear. Here’s your present: All these cigars that I stole from a liquor store after I smashed the glass door with a brick! I could have picked us up some nice champagne or maybe a bottle of cognac while I was at it, but I figured you’d be cool with cheap Dominican cigars. I also scored a few Dutch Masters so we could roll blunts tonight. It will be so romantic.

Feb. 15
(2008-70578) 10:28 p.m.: Someone smashed his or her way into an apartment complex’s locked storage area and took a golf cart for a joyride. Guess that’s what the kids do for fun these days.

Feb. 16
(2008-70807) 1:05 a.m.: Carjacking is a very dumb crime. Sure, you could drive the car to a chop shop and score a couple hundred bucks, but you’re more likely to fall victim to the APB that went out approximately 26
seconds after you took the car.

Anyhoo, a woman got carjacked at knifepoint in Parramore. The cops found her car a little while later, sans perp.

(2008-71028) 4:32 a.m.: If you’re going to smash a South Orange Avenue convenience store’s glass front door, why settle for 10 boxes of Marlboro Lights? Grab some other booty while you’re in there: beer, Doritos, donuts, whatever. You’re doing the crime, at least make it worth possibly doing the time, you know.

(2008-71260) 10:19 a.m.: Welcome to Orlando, where even our gangs are lame.

A cop discovered graffiti in Pine Hills bearing the insignia of the Cut Throat Bitches, “the female part of C.T.C., Cut Throat Committee,” Officer Brewster reports. How original.

(2008-71438) 1:21 p.m.: Police Beat Tip o’ the Week: If you’re going to break into a supermarket by smashing concrete against the rear locks, don’t do it in the middle of the day when the store’s open. You will get caught.

(2008-71886) 8:05 p.m.: Tell me this isn’t a Jerry Springer Show episode: A woman and her hubby separated two months ago. Hubby’s new girlfriend wanted to “talk about things,” according to the police report. They decided to meet in front of a drugstore on Lee Vista Boulevard. Hubby showed up with the new girlfriend, but went into the store while the estranged wife and the new girlfriend engaged in what must have been a pleasant conversation. Then things got ugly.

“When `the defendant` exited he aggressively confronted `the estranged wife`, grabbing her by the neck and pushing her against her 2002 Mitsubishi Galant,” Officer Jewell writes. “The defendant produced a nickel-colored handgun and put it against the victim’s right side. He told her that if she came to his house he would kill her.”

But there’s another side to this. The victim and a friend of hers, who was in her car, told police that she pushed the gun away and it went off, though no one was injured; then the defendant took off. The defendant’s girlfriend told the cops that there was no gun and that he never grabbed his wife by the neck.

The police couldn’t find the shell casing that would have been left behind if the gun had been fired. So you figure out who’s lying. The guy was arrested for assault and battery.

(2008-71958) 9:14 p.m.: Someone in a Cadillac fired nine shots into a house on Fairway Lane. No injuries.

Feb. 17
(2008-72305) 1:55 a.m.:
A black man walking on Raleigh Street encountered three other black men standing on the sidewalk. “As he approached the three males, the three males refused to leave the sidewalk and began calling him names, such as ‘a fucking nigga,’” Officer Kruger tells us.

One of them then smashed a bottle and swung it at our victim, cutting his arm. The victim ran; the suspects followed for a while, then gave up. He doesn’t want to press charges.

(2008-72581) 9:08 a.m.: What’s with the smokers this week? Someone broke into a Parramore convenience store through a ventilation duct in the roof early this morning and stole all the Newports. Again, our nico-fiend didn’t bother to grab any of the other goodies at his disposal. But at least he can destroy his lungs for free.


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