File this one under “worst police report ever.” No date. No time. No case number. No spell checker. A thief broke into a gated lot that belongs to the city’s recreation department; “Property taken were one lawn more and one trailer. There are no suspects,” Officer Easterling reports. Way to sweat the details.

Feb. 27
(2008-88659) 1:29 p.m.: Fun things you learn reading police reports: There’s a certain pizza restaurant near this columnist’s homestead that stores its beer and soda in an outside cooler, which apparently is not impregnable to thieves. Guess what I’m doing this weekend.

Feb. 28
(XXXX-XXXXX) 7:58 a.m.:
Another incomplete police report (no case number, no address, no reporting officer). But the gist is pretty damn funny. Take it away, Officer Whoever You Are: “On the above date and time, an unknown suspect entered the residence by unknown means and stole a roll of garbage bags and exited by unknown means. No other information is known.”

(2008-90031) 8:13 a.m.: My knowledge of criminology may be limited to Law & Order reruns, but I’ll go ahead and say this one might be an inside job: An unknown person “gained entry to the locked, alarmed, unoccupied” life insurance business on the fifth floor of an East Colonial Drive building. The burglar took four laptops and vanished. He/she left no signs of forced entry.

(2008-90283) 11:41 a.m.: Listen up, sexual predators: Nobody likes you. Polling places you at the top of society’s shit list, even above journalists (and that’s saying something). Perhaps because they’re grateful that someone is less popular than they, TV journos demonize you. Consequently, parents fear you. Politicians use you to prove how tough on crime they are. And the cops, they’re just looking for the chance to send you back to the big house. So it’s not a good idea to carry around two bags of blow while you’re violating your parole.

(2008-90726) 5:25 p.m.: Our suspect walks up to our victim, implies he has a knife and demands money. Our victim slugs our suspect in the face and hauls ass. Score one for the good guys.

Feb. 29
(2008-92152) 2:43 p.m.:
The inside of your mouth is not an effective place to hide nine pieces of crack.

March 1
(2008-92976) 2 p.m.:
Police Beat Tip o’ the Week: If you’re gonna drive around with 30 grams of herb, 1.1 grams of nose candy and a stolen handgun in your car, don’t run stop signs. Also, if you must carry the aforementioned contraband in your conveyance, it’s not a good idea to burn one before you hit the road. The smell sticks to your clothes.

March 2
(2008-94600) 1:46 a.m.:
Fun: Two men drove a truck through the front doors of a Narcoossee Road Walgreens. Funner: The truck belonged to the U.S. Department of Agriculture. Funnest: The thieves couldn’t figure out how to take the automatic teller machine with them, so they got away with nothing.

(2008-95509) 6:50 p.m.: Somebody called the cops about a commercial burglary in Parramore, but took off before they showed up. “There were no signs of entry into any of the surrounding buildings,” Officer McNutt reports. OPD got punked.

(2008-95912) 11:45 p.m.: The cig fiends are back in action. The video camera at a car wash caught a man breaking into the business and removing cigarettes. From a car wash.

March 3
(2008-96153) 5:46 a.m.: Upon getting carjacked, it is advised that you immediately enlist the help of law enforcement officials in retrieving your vehicle. Should you instead choose to spend seven hours wandering around Parramore vainly searching for your assailants and/or your Lincoln Town Car before phoning the boys in blue, your chances of recovering your property diminish considerably.


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