(2008-??????) ???:
Again with the incomplete police reports. Guys, is it that hard to make sure there’s a case number and date when you’re scanning them in? Help me out.

Anyway, the cops pulled over two guys in a Pontiac. They had 118 grams of the good herb on them and went to jail.

March 26
(2008-133975) 7 p.m.:
So IKEA’s been open for, what, six months now? The furniture and Swedish meatball store is already having a thievery problem. And not a small one. The bad guys are going for the display goods – television sets.

Please keep in mind, the store was open when this happened: “`T`wo black male suspects entered the IKEA store. One of the suspects took a plasma screen TV from the second floor and left through the front door. The second suspect took a flat screen TV and exited through the second floor staff exit.”

Now for the weird part: “This is the fifth TV to be stolen from IKEA in the last three days.”

Perhaps those Swedes need to rethink their security plan.

March 29
(2008-138265) 11:13 a.m.:
Someone broke into the locked laundry room at a Curry Ford Road condo complex, dismantled a washing machine and removed $10 in quarters.

(2008-138309) 11:53 a.m.: While our victim was home – presumably asleep – some alleged ne’er-do-wells opened his “possibly unlocked” patio door, opened the fridge, grabbed a package of Oscar Mayer wieners “and then proceeded to eat them,” Officer Eller informs us. Out on his patio, our victim found three Busch beer bottles and a note: “We were here. We had fun. Water your damn plants. Give us a ring next time, hermano! Thanks for the hot dogs!”

It’s so nice to see polite burglars. Our victim called the cops, but as you’ve probably figured out, the whole thing was a prank.

(2008-138326) 12:06 p.m.: A transient tried to shoplift two packages of meat from a Colonial Drive grocery store, but the store’s security guard caught him.

March 30
(2008-139282) 1:54 a.m.:
Police Beat Tip o’ the Week: It is not OK to punch a police officer, even when he’s off duty.

(2008-139393) 3:44 a.m.: This week’s award for Most Enterprising Criminal goes to the three guys who raided an office on Boggy Creek Road. Officer Trinidad – the same cop featured in Happytown™ for pushing a woman down the stairs at Club Paris last year – tells the story: “Three unknown male suspects entered the above location and removed approximately 572 laptop computers.”

(2008-139883) 3:13 p.m.: Nary a week goes by in this column’s life when we don’t see yet another poor delivery driver fall victim to some gun-wielding thug. A 21-year-old pizza deliveryman was walking back to his car after dropping off someone’s lunch on Raleigh Street, when someone put a gun to his head and demanded money. Our victim forked over $45, then went back to work. Really.

“The victim then continued on his delivery route and called the police approximately 45 minutes later,” Officer Hernandez writes.

That’s dedication.

March 31
(2008-140427) 12:12 a.m.:
If you’re going to break into someone’s house, force him onto the ground and ransack his apartment, you might as well go ahead and steal something. Otherwise, it just seems like a waste of time.

April 4
(2008-147116) 9:20 a.m.:
The men in blue were dispatched to Conroy Road to … oh hell, I’ll let the cops tell the story: “I, Officer Shaheed, was flagged down … in reference to an aggressive monkey that escaped from its residence.”

Fuck me sideways. An aggressive monkey?

Wait, it gets better. “The monkey was charging citizens as they were attempting to capture it. This action caused the citizens to run into the street and almost get struck by passing vehicles. After the monkey was contained and given a banana by one of the responding officers, it calmed to the point that Animal Control could capture it and place it in a cage.”

I can’t make this shit up.


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