June 7

(2008-248056) 1:45 a.m.: The week in crime got off to a typically boneheaded start. Some cops pulled over a Monte Carlo on East Pine Street early this morning, and the guy in the front passenger seat decided to open the door and run. Because, you know, the cops will never catch you on foot. And they certainly wouldn’t think to search you and find three handguns, one of which was reported stolen. There’s nothing suspicious at all about running away from a traffic stop.

(2008-248388) 9:03 a.m.: We’ve got vandals on the loose. Our suspect(s) broke into a North John Young Parkway restaurant via a skylight and hosed the place with a fire extinguisher. Then he/she/they broke into some other buildings on the same property and stole “computers, compressors and condensers” from the air conditioning unit, Officer Farmer alliteratively informs us.

(2008-248550) 11:57 p.m.: Police Beat Dick o’ the Week: It’s not cool to point a handgun at and threaten to kill your significant other. It’s really not cool to do that while three children, one of whom is 2 years old, are watching.

June 8

(2008-249355) 12:14 a.m.: If you leave your keys in your car and leave your car doors open, your vehicle might get stolen.

(2008-249501) 2:23 a.m.: There’s a joke to be made about someone brandishing his pistol inside a gay bar, but I’m not going there. Anyway, our robber pointed a pistol at two Parliament House patrons and took
their wallets.

June 9

(2008-251034) 10:35 a.m.: Using an “unknown tool” usually referred to as a “slim Jim,” a bad guy popped the locks on three cars in a South Kirkman Road hotel parking lot and stole some electronic goodies, including an iPod and a GPS gizmo. Officer Moore notes that a similar crime took place at another hotel in the neighborhood.

(2008-251712) 7:32 p.m.: Dude. If you’re going to knock off a gas station, find one other than your local RaceTrac, please. Those of us who don’t rely on armed robbery for our incomes are going through something of a tough time these days, what with gas prices and all, and of all the local gas stations, this humble columnist has found RaceTrac to be, on the whole, the kindest around.

We’d very much appreciate it if you armed tough guys would leave them alone. Go rob a Chevron.

(2008-251816) 8:58 p.m.: I’m not pro–cop abuse or anything, but Officer Brown should learn to put on his big-boy pants and toughen up a little bit. He was dispatched to a house on Cinderlane Parkway where a 15-year-old girl had been making suicidal threats; clearly, not the most stable individual around, and besides, she’s 15. When Officer Brown tried to Baker Act her, she spit on him. The spittle was “sufficient exposure to the `girl’s` saliva, containing blood” from a heretofore-unmentioned fight of some sort, Officer Brown reports, so he arrested her. Because nothing helps out a suicidal 15-year-old like a trip to 33rd Street.

(2008-251832) 9:10 p.m.: After a “domestic dispute” involving a 40-year-old man and a 66-year-old woman, the 40-year-old batterer barricaded himself inside his house. Then he discovered that the SWAT team can overcome front doors.

(2008-251949) 11:06 p.m.: A word of advice to young thugs: If you’re going to kill somebody – for the record, I’m not suggesting that you kill anyone, just saying if you do – don’t tell them you’re going to kill them before you pull out your revolver. That only gives them time to fight back. You might shoot them in the stomach before you run away, but they might still be alive and able to identify you. Don’t you people watch Law & Order? Never leave witnesses. That’s Crime 101.

(????-??????) ???: Another screwy police report here – it’s something of a ritual these days – but what the hell. Two teenage punks walked up to a 25-year-old man, pointed a pistol at him and demanded he empty his pockets. Apparently, his pockets were already empty, because our teens ran off without stealing anything. Maybe they were late for curfew.


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