(????-??????) ???: I can’t tell you when or where it happened (thanks, OPD!) but you don’t care about the details anyway. Someone smashed a Chevron window – I’m assuming in the middle of the night, but who knows – and made off with 35 cartons of cancer sticks.

June 12

(2008-255449) 8:00 a.m.: We’ve got a pair of smash-and-grabs on Tellson Place and the adjoining Bel Air Avenue. Both cars were locked and had alarms, but that doesn’t help when someone smashes a window and grabs your GPS system or iPod, checkbook, DVD player and jewelry.

Note to criminals: I have no such gadgetry in my car ever, I swear, so don’t waste your time. Thanks.

(2008-255716) 11:53 a.m.: Acting on the old proverb, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again,” our bad guy(s) failed to break into the front door of a music store, but had better luck in the back. He, she or they stole cash. I would have gone with one of the vintage amps or guitars the place stocks, because mine is craptacular.

(2008-255783) 12:53 p.m.: Sucks to be this guy. Two guys walked up to him on the street, forced him into his car at gunpoint, and made him drive to the bank and withdraw a bunch of money. The police report lists him as a missing person, which may well mean his day went from shitty to FUBAR, fast.

June 13

(2008-256607) 12:16 a.m.: All right, so a 37-year-old transient “befriends” a 46-year-old guy at the Parliament House, and 30 minutes later as they’re walking down the street, the 37-year-old suspect “forcibly took the victim’s wallet.” Our 46-year-old victim bitch-slapped the transient suspect – apparently rather effectively, since the bad guy was taken into custody.

(2008-256801) 3:26 a.m.: This is my kind of criminal. You break into a restaurant with an obnoxious name and take an “unknown amount of petit cash and beer.”

BTW, WTF is “petit cash,” Officer Garcia? Cash on a diet? Bah-dum-dah, bitches! (U totes <3 how im tlkg in text, right?)

Yeah, I know “petit” is the cops’ version of “petty,” but I’ll be damned if I let that stand in the way of a perfectly good joke. Or a mediocre one.

June 16

(2008-261546) 7:39 a.m.: Ever read a police report and have no freaking clue what the cops are talking about? No? I have. After our bad guy broke into an “unsecured” section of a construction site – if there’s one thing you learn from this job, it’s that nothing should ever be unsecured – “the suspect gained entry onto a floating barge,” Officer Glisson writes. “A secured connex was pried open” and lots of tools grew legs and walked off.

I’m having a little trouble visualizing the whole “floating barge” thing, and the only “connex” Google delivered – my spell checker’s not a fan – that made any sense at all was a “shipping container” (thanks, Wikipedia!), but I guess Officer Glisson has a larger technical vocabulary than I do.

(2008-261582) 8:15 a.m.: Police Beat Tip o’ the Week: Criminals can see through your sliding glass doors. They can tell if there’s a laptop computer lying around and no one there guarding it. Locking said door is a good idea.

(2008-261655) 9:29 a.m.: Hey! Officer Glisson comes up with another word my spell checker doesn’t like: “operatable.” As in, “There is no visual damage to the air conditioning unit, however, it is not operatable.” Anyway, someone climbed a Putnam Avenue business’ fence and “tampered” with the (now inoperable) AC unit. My guess: He wanted the copper wiring.

On a related note, I just found out that copper thieves were the reason Orlando Weekly’s AC system was screwy all last summer. Which is why it was like 97 degrees in the cubicle farm every day in August, when it’s also like 109 degrees outside, and you have to shower after two hours at work, and your boss wonders why you left early. Bastards.

(2008-261799) 11:55 a.m.: If someone “breaks into” a Subway with a key and jacks a cash register, your suspect pool should be pretty limited, right?


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