POLICE BEAT 


Aug. 29

(2008-372695) 1:01 p.m.: A 42-year-old battered an Old Navy rent-a-cop who busted him shoplifting. Officer Baker concludes his report with the following bit of redundancy: "The arrestee was arrested."

(2008-373288) 9:07 p.m.: The cops found some rich man's aspirin and related paraphernalia on a suspected armed robber. Jail.

Aug. 30

(2008-373599) 12:27 a.m.: From the rich man's aspirin to the poor man's glove: Four dudes robbed two other dudes at gunpoint on East Jackson Street. The gunman, according to the police report, "had a brown plastic bag wrapped around his hand." Ingenious!

(2008-373650) 1:11 a.m.: Two men robbed an elderly lady at gunpoint. Dicks.

(2008-373682) 1:49 a.m.: Another armed robbery. This time, some teenagers approached a man standing outside his apartment, displayed a gun, and stole his wallet, cell phone and laptop. Dicks.

(2008-373788) 3:23 a.m.: Hey, whaddya know — another armed robbery. My job's getting monotonous. Dicks.

(2008-374248) 2:20 p.m.: Oh, fantastic. One more. This time, three men drove up to the parking ticket booth at a theme park, brandished guns and took a large amount of cash. Yeah … dicks.

(2008-374632) 8:45 p.m.: Not all burglars can be competent. This one was caught red-handed, staring through the rear window of the van he tried to burglarize as the cops pulled up. Maybe he should consider another line of work.

(2008-374805) 11:14 p.m.: Look, another armed robbery.

Aug. 31

(2008-374948) 1:24 a.m.: Someone stole 32 purses from the Coach Factory Outlet.

(2008-375029) 2:48 a.m.: Someone tried to break into a golf club via a concrete block, but it didn't work out. Fail.

(2008-375047) 3:06 a.m.: Someone broke into another golf club's bar. They stole two cash registers, which had nothing in them. Fail, part two.

(2008-373942) 1:20 a.m.: Some fellas stole rims from a tire store.

(2008-375214) 8:34 a.m.: In keeping with today's theme (sort of), someone burglarized a vending machine at a miniature golf establishment.

(2008-376009) 10:25 p.m.: Armed robbery on North Orange Blossom Trail.

(2008-376033) 11:52 p.m.: Armed robbery on Kirkman Road. Seriously, guys, this is getting old.

Sept. 1

(2008-376285) 2:27 a.m.: This is the weakest burglary I've seen in a while. A guy walked into a Wal-Mart, approached a register and asked the cashier for cash. Apparently, said cashier opened the till and the suspect grabbed some dough and ran. There's no indication he had a gun, which makes this robbery astoundingly silly.

Sept. 3

(2008-379803) 10:21 a.m.: In a sharp rebuke to the recent rash of failed burglaries, a perp successfully broke a flower shop's window and got inside. Victory! Well, not really. Turns out the cash register was empty. Wah-wah.

(2008-379939) 12:08 p.m.: Someone broke into a model home and cleared out the washer and dryer.

(2008-380381) 5:08 p.m.: Residential burglary in Baldwin Park, where these things aren't supposed to happen. "It appears unknown person(s) are knocking on the doors to determined unoccupied residents `sic`," Officer Moore reports. Don't say I never warned you.

Sept. 4

(2008-380961) 12:27 a.m.: We've encountered this brand of dimwittedness before. After an armed robber removes his loot from his victims, he fires a shot in the air before leaving. Really? Why waste a bullet? To let them know you're serious? You already have their goodies. I don't get criminals.

(2008-381055) 2:21 a.m.: See, this guy knows how armed robberies are done. He held up a couple outside of the Roxy nightclub and took their money, cell phone and car, all without firing a shot. Smooth operator.

jbillman@orlandoweekly.com

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