Nov. 4

(2008-477129) 3:38 a.m.: Three hours after this incident, people were going to start voting for the next president of the United States, which means that you were still up tossing and turning and hoping that rednecks in Pennsylvania wouldn't screw this up for the rest of us. (Good news: They didn't.) Meanwhile, two guys were trying to break into what I presume to be a fancy-pants home on Country Club Oaks Circle by pulling the breaker switch, then trying to enter through the back door. There they were met by a 33-year-old female homeowner, and they fled.

(2008-477367) 8:37 a.m.: On Election Day, everyone was too damn nervous to get any work done, so I took the day off. A burglar, however, did not. He broke into an office on Kingspointe Parkway and removed a television from the conference room. Surely, he wanted a new screen on which to watch the returns.

(2008-478010) 4:37 p.m.: Right about then, you were inexplicably glued to your TV set watching Wolf Blitzer ramble about whatever, and kind of mad at wasting your day that way when you wouldn't know anything for, like, four more hours. Meanwhile, someone burglarized three vehicles that were parked on the fourth floor of a city garage.

(2008-478353) 9:08 p.m.: Election Night! At the very moment this botched car robbery was going down — our bad guy was caught red-handed — I was nursing my 12th drink of the evening while waiting for the results to come in (see Blister, page 55). The next morning was fun, believe you me.

Nov. 5

(2008-478950) 7:48 a.m.: Was it Homer Simpson who once called beer "the cause of and solution to all of life's problems"? I think so. Anyway, someone broke into an eatery on South Hiawassee Road and stole beer and food.

But! "There were no signs of any attempts to enter the building," Officer Yuhas tells us. Hmmm. Our antennae here at Police Beat HQ perk up whenever we see those words. What could it mean? An inside job? A manager who forgot to lock up? A fortuitous or particularly skilled burglar? Were we to investigate further, we might find the answers we seek. But I'm writing this on a Friday afternoon and I want to get out of here, so I'll leave it to your imagination. It's probably funnier that way. Reality can be boring.

(2008-479164) 10:56 a.m.: A guy walked into a pharmacy, pulled out a handgun, jumped the pharmacy counter and "took what he believed to be Oxycontin," Officer Kelly writes. Wouldn't it be funny if he ended up fiending out on Cialis instead?

(2008-479288) 12:29 p.m.: Dude tries to break into a steakhouse. Dude fails.

(2008-479384) 1:42 p.m.: Another break-in of the suspicious "no evidence of forced entry" variety, this time at a house. "The unknown person(s) removed multiple pieces of fine jewelry while leaving behind costume jewelry from a combination floor safe in the master bedroom closet," Officer Moore reports.

(2008-479860) 6:27 p.m.: Lame armed robbery. Boycott.

(2008-480110) 9:16 p.m.: Ever get in a pinch and want to make money the easy way — you know, bagging up a bunch of oregano and convincing the middle schoolers in your neighborhood that it's the good dope? Substituting baking soda for cocaine is acceptable as well, but keep in mind that cokeheads tend to pack more heat than 12-year-olds. (At least, the 12-year-olds in my neighborhood.) Yeah, it's a dick move, but sometimes you've gotta do what you gotta do, right?

That seems to have been this fella's plan. The cops arrested our 23-year-old suspect on Randall Street for "possession of counterfeit controlled substance," Officer Jackson reports. Another report on what seems to be the same incident indicates that it's fake booger sugar. Seriously. Who doesn't taste the shit before they buy it?

It seems our friend was turning the faux blow into quite the business model: "Several possible stashes of controlled substances were found and were fake," the cops report.

Wait … that's a crime? Selling some idiot baking soda or whatever it is you use to fake crack is a punishable offense? Huh.


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