Editor's note: This is a corrected version of this column, omitting an item that mistakenly identified Universal Studios as the place where a robbery occurred Jan. 19.
(2009-25461) 1:36 p.m.: "On the above date and time at the above location, unknown black male approached the victim, mushed him in the face, and took $6 from him."
(2009-26664) 2:30 a.m.: Our victim reported an unidentified man in his basement. Who has a basement in Florida?
(2009-26741) 3:53 a.m.: If you happen to be a black guy in Washington Shores, it's probably not a good idea to walk around with a pistol and little less than an ounce of weed in the middle of the night.
(2009-27468) 5:35 p.m.: If you happen to be a black guy in Parramore, it's probably not a good idea to walk around with an open container, especially if you also have crack.
(2009-27877) 10:22 p.m.: Four men robbed another man using box cutters, which clearly makes them terrorists.
(2009-27994) 11:01 p.m.: Officer Catanzaro was outside a North Orange Blossom Trail bar when he "smelled the odor of cannabis coming from inside the bar." A check of the bathroom revealed two men hitting the doob. Bonus! One of them had some blow and a gun.
(2009-28093) 12:34 a.m.: Pointless theft: "On the above date and time, two unknown suspects gained entry via a bedroom window and left by the front door without taking anything or using or implying any weapons."
(2009-28144) 1:23 a.m.: Hard-working thief: "On the above date and time, unknown suspect gained entry to the above address `a convenience store` via a vent hole in the roof by stringing a hose into the building. The suspect then climbed down the hose into the building and removed lottery tickets and cigarettes."
(2009-28313) 3:34 a.m.: Driving around in the middle of the night with 3 ounces of weed in your ride can be a bad idea.
(2009-28929) 5:11 p.m.: A woman with dark sunglasses — not suspicious at all — walked into the pharmacy at the Edgewater Drive Publix, implied she had a gun and demanded oxycodone. "The store did not have any and the woman casually walked out of the store through the front entrance." Compliant little robber, isn't she?
But wait. The cops got word that a similar robbery had gone down at a nearby CVS, and while they were checking that one out, yet another report came in from a nearby Walgreens. There, the pharmacy workers —unaware that this chick would believe you if you said you were out — turned over "a large amount." The woman walked out of the store, but the cops were waiting out front. There's no mention of a gun.
Oxycodone — wasn't that the shit that Rush Limbaugh was all hopped up on? Or was that Viagra? Remember when people cared about Rush Limbaugh?
(2009-29227) 9:58 p.m.: "The victim stated the black male juveniles approached him, punched him in the face and took cash from his wallet." No mushing this firstname.lastname@example.org
Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.