(2009-175117) 7:53 p.m.: The police encountered a fellow who unsuccessfully tried to avoid arrest by chucking his cigar tube with 25 pieces of crack in it.
(2009-175220) 8:49 p.m.: The fuzz busted four guys in a stolen car in possession of two firearms. The driver also had a warrant for attempted murder.
(2009-175443) 11:10 p.m.: A young man has two pieces of crack in his mouth and goes to jail.
(2009-176148) 10:44 a.m.: While old people and conspiracy theorists were celebrating Tax Day by waving Lipton tea bags to denounce the oppression of President Obama's middle-class tax cut, somebody was stealing a Toyota.
(2009-178024) 10:24 a.m.: Someone stole 1,000 gallons of diesel from a state agency on West Robinson Street.
(2009-180228) 11:32 a.m.: You know what the trick is to a successful bank robbery? If so, you should really mention it to the dude who stuck up a Banco Popular, then walked outside into an army of cops.
(2009-180470) 2:29 p.m.: A man broke into an apartment and was in the process of relieving it of some electronic equipment when its occupant walked out of the bedroom. The would-be thief fled.
(2009-180881) 7 p.m.: Our first pot dealer of the week was in possession of 22 bags of marijuana totaling 22 grams exactly, which means he didn't stiff his customers.
(2009-180912) 7:14 a.m.: A man walked into a smoke shop and ordered a pack of Newports, then refused to pay.
(2009-181216) 10:36 p.m.: Our second pot dealer of the week had 43 grams of herb in his car when he was pulled over.
(2009-181969) 9:03 a.m.: Smash and grab. Boring.
(2009-182597) 5:56 p.m.: If you can't figure out how to break a window, you don't deserve what's inside.
(2009-183002) 10:26 p.m.: Solid scheme, poorly executed: "At the above time and location, the suspect entered the property `a Mercedes-Benz dealership` by crashing through the south gate in a rental vehicle, then crashed into a vehicle on the lot in an attempt to access a 2009 white Mercedes … which had the keys stolen earlier in the day. The suspect eventually crashed the rental vehicle on the west side of the property and fled the location in the white Mercedes. A short time later, the suspect attempted to report the rental vehicle stolen, while the white Mercedes was recovered a short distance from his residence. The suspect was subsequently arrested and transported to `jail`."
(2009-183391) 2:10 a.m.: Someone carjacked a '99 VW Passat.
(2009-183479) 3:23 a.m.: "On the listed date and time, I responded to the above address in reference to an alarm. Investigation revealed suspect(s) entered the business through the roof and then left out the front emergency door. Nothing was taken from the business."
(2009-183611) 6:44 a.m.: At least this guy knows that when you break into a business, you might as well steal something.
(2009-183650) 7:57 a.m.: Purse-snatching foiled by fleet-footed victim.
(2009-183885) 11:34 a.m.: "On the listed dates and time Catalina Elementary School was burglarized. The suspect(s) entered through the southwest door only taking a red dolly."
(2009-184001) 1:14 p.m.: A bakery on Bryn Mawr Street was robbed. No, not the good part of Bryn Mawr, where the mayor lives in opulence. This one's in the shitty part between the Trail and Mercy Drive.
(2009-184014) 1:24 p.m.: Remember a while back when I told you I was looking at houses to buy? No? Well, you should pay closer attention.
Anyway, the real-estate company handling the house that I put down an offer on just got burglarized.
(2009-184448) 8:26 p.m.: Carjacking failed, suspect arrested.
(2009-184450) 8:26 p.m.: Another break-in with nothing stolen. Why?
(2009-184996) 5:32 a.m.: How is it that on this of all days, OPD sends me absolutely nothing about marijuana arrests?
Instead, I get an IHOP burglary with a bunch of typos: "The listed date and time an unknown person made entry to the business by prying the rear entry door open, without setting off the alarm. there by gaining access to the register and removed an undetermined amount of cash. Exit was made through the rear door as wel."firstname.lastname@example.org
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