Police Beat 


July 21

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(2009-344605) 7:52 a.m.: You ever get back from vacation only to find a mountain of work sitting atop your desk and no desire to do any of it? Welcome to my world. I've got a week's worth of e-mails to answer, a bunch of phone messages to not return and the feeling that I should still be wandering Asheville, N.C., cold beer in hand and magnificent mountains in view. For an entire week, I managed to avoid all things news: no CNN, no newspapers, nothing to occupy my decaying gray matter besides wine, my sister's nuptials and the wonderment that is shrimp and grits. It was glorious, and mercilessly short-lived.

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So here I am, back in the trenches, an inch-thick pile of police documents on my desk. And what do the crime gods have in store for us this week? More Orlando-style idiocy, in which bad guys break into cars but don't steal anything.

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(2009-344887) 11:40 a.m.: A warning to College Parkers: Should you happen to see a mid-1990s green Oldsmobile circling your street, there's a fair-to-middlin' chance that a home burglary may be in your neighborhood's future. In this case, our burglars removed such "miscellaneous" items as two handguns, a laptop and some tools.

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(2009-344988) 1 p.m.: The green Olds strikes again.

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(2009-345499) 7:18 p.m.: Following a "window tint violation," Officer Genao discovered 43 grams of reefer and $1,176 in cash, which he seized because "it was clear evidence [of] profit from street-level drug sales."

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(2009-345878) 11:20 p.m.: Contrary to what you'd expect from the modern criminal, this guy/gal broke into a rehab clinic. The cops aren't sure what, if anything, he or she took.

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July 22

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(2009-346119) 2:27 a.m.: Men in black clothing and masks pulled up to a Semoran Boulevard Kmart, smashed the front window, and stole a bunch of (probably cheap) jewelry from inside.

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(2009-346136) 2:50 a.m.: A little farther down Semoran, some thieves pried open the front door of a Rent-A-Center and stole televisions from inside.

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(2009-346590) 10:43 a.m.: From the Police Beat WTF file: "On the above date and time, the victim heard someone knocking at her front door, then moments later, she heard noises inside of the house. The victim then came in contact with the suspect," described as an unknown 15-year male. "The suspect said hello, then left the residence via the front door. "

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(2009-346688) 11:48 a.m.: Bank robbery. "No weapons implied." Apparently, these days walking into a bank with a hat and sunglasses and demanding money is good enough.

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July 23

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(2009-347878) 12:18 a.m.: Someone broke into a hip-hop fashion boutique and disappeared with $40,000 in boxed merch.

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(2009-347894) 12:33 a.m.: Shots fired on Oak Ridge Road. Also, the sun rises in the east.

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(2009-347938) 1:12 a.m.: A young'un of 19 was standing in his driveway when a white car drove by "at a high rate of speed," Officer Stanaland reports. Someone inside the car tried his best to pop a cap in our victim's ass, but his aim wasn't quite sniper-quality. Our victim was struck in the foot.

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(2009-347939) 1:13 a.m.: Things you learn writing this column: OPD has something called an "India Midnight Squad." I have no idea what this group does, except that it nabbed a 26-year-old alleged burglar, but it sounds cool as shit.

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(2009-348388) 9:26 a.m.: A guy broke into a Conway Road apartment complex's maintenance shop – "no signs of forced entry" – and bogarted an oxygen tank, an acetylene tank and a couple of other things that … well, I don't know what the hell they are.

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(2009-348827) 2:30 p.m.: Mr. McFeeley here tried lure a 13-year-old boy into his late-'90s Taurus. Fail. And gross.

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July 24

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(2009-349838) 2:13 a.m.: Oh hey, forgot to mention earlier, but whilst in the Carolinas I discovered the glories of thrift-store shopping. It's not all crappy clothes and ironic hipster T-shirts. I also dug up a bunch of old-school vinyl (think the Star Wars soundtrack and the Beach Boys' Surfin' USA) for 50 cents each. Quite the steal, huh?

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Meanwhile, our 20-something suspect jacked a Chevy Malibu, which doesn't seem worth the prison time he'll get if he's caught.

; jbillman@orlandoweekly.com

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