ORLANDO'S WIRELESS FRONTIER 


;What's not to like about free wireless Internet? Regardless of pursuit, public Wi-Fi users look immeasurably more urbane. The service itself is like a gun under the pillow – its availability just makes things seem good and possible. Any muculent cesspit is that much more attractive if you can do a Google images search for "scabies" there. (Well, almost any. Free Wi-Fi at Lake Eola couldn't trump the awkwardness of refusing beggars while your crotch gets Vaio-burn.)

;;The only conceivable downside to free public wireless access is immobility. Free Internet is especially great when a choice exists between a hot spot at the bank of a crater roiling with chemical frappe, or maybe someplace convenient. And since Metro Orlando is parceled like a vast Habitrail, finding hot spots that complement a busy schedule is paramount. Thus, rather than having you buy one of those Geiger counter-y Wi-Fi locators, Orlando Weekly has compiled a list of convenient, and in many cases surprising, hot spots so you can meta-poke your Facebook friends or whatever and not break your daily stride.

;;;

;Denny's
;(multiple locations)
;
www.dennys.com

;

;Don't pretend like you don't love Denny's, because you do. In addition to plates of stacked gristle that you can't hold upright with one hand, they now offer free wireless Internet. Breathe in the paradox as the heads of truckers and Luddites alike refract signal waves. (I'm sure they have a fruit cup or something, Nance.)

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;Orlando International Airport
;
(1 Airport Blvd., Orlando)
;
www.orlandoairports.net

;

;Come for your doomed Aeroflot departure; briefly stay for last-minute e-mail checking. Whereas hubs like Miami International Airport charge for service, Orlando International Airport allows you gratis web-browsing throughout its terminals. Update your blog and watch as bewildered Germans make the first of many frivolous purchases. Instant-messaging fodder will never abate when you can juxtapose nuclear-familial corrosion at the airport with your melting Carvel Ice Cream cake. L0LZ!

;

;;Tropical Palms RV Resort
;(2650 Holiday Trail, Kissimmee)

;www.tropicalpalmsrv.com

;

;Orlando stands on the shoulders of transients; it's only fair that they know the best place to park their rolling mausoleum and upload crooked snapshots of the grandbabies. The Palms is a keychain's throw away from the U.S. Highway 192 pastel Cibola known as WDW. (If you pass the giant Elvis face, you've gone too far.) Should your RV or shotgun-style Easter egg of a condo prove too stifling for the web, the Palms has picnic tables, trails and a varicose basketball half-court on which you can surf before asphyxiating in the heat.

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;Famous Uncle Andy's Sausages
;
(501 N. Orlando Ave., Winter Park)
;
www.famousuncleandys.com

;

;There's nothing really funny about this place. They take hot dogs, ahem, sausages and University of Florida athletics seriously. The price is right, they have cold beer and a big-screen TV, and the Wi-Fi signal is strong. The décor is appropriately clown-colored, and the big Kmart next door means healthy white-trash foot traffic. Boo on the wonky AC.

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;Goldenrod Laundromat
;
(3014 N. Goldenrod Road, Winter Park)

;

;Instead of whiling away the minutes wondering when Broseph at the World of Soaps machine is going to hurry up and just shank you already, you can get maybe a stock quote. Seriously, this is the best idea ever. Front-load your Speed Queen, wait for the remarkable Harrier Jump Jet–ish whine to subside, and log on. If your battery runs out, you can always imagine how much fun the stained billiards table would be if there were balls/cues, or contract conjunctivitis from the glistening video-game joysticks.

;;

;Long's Christian Book and Music
;(1610 Edgewater Drive, Orlando)
;
www.longschristian.com

;

;;The heathens at Barnes & Noble charge for Wi-Fi; Long's does the Christian thing. The retail space is what would happen if a Hallmark shop went to a Borders frat formal, got date-raped and decided to keep the baby, which smells like your grandma's house. But nobody hassles you, and there's plenty Kirk Franklin, comfy sofas and free coffee. Be surprised that the book Get Out of That Pit is not about people who drive Mercury Grand Marquises.

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;Krystal
;
(multiple locations)
;
www.krystal.com

;

;If you want pretension and faux culture with your restaurant's free Wi-Fi, go to Panera. Krystal one-ups McDonald's in the fast-food hot spot game and tenders wireless for free. Who knows why you'd want to sit down with your (wish I was joking) chicken on a stick and post a listing on Craigslist, but you can.

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;Twist Hair Studio
;
(3708 Edgewater Drive, Orlando)
;
www.twisthairstudio.com

;

;;Something for the ladies! When you find after visiting a Krystal that you can't get the faint musk of stale tobacco and prostitution out of your hair, the stylists here will happily oblige. A radio feed from London plays over the sound system, their styling chairs are leather, and there's a Mac in the corner that may be free to use. (Your correspondent doesn't know how to work that brujeria.)

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;Sanford Veterans Memorial Park
;
Sanford RiverWalk
;
Lake Monroe, Sanford
;
www.ci.sanford.fl.us

;

;Since early April, Sanford has provided free wireless Internet for the majority of the city's downtown area, making all other area metropolises – except Kissimmee, which offers similar service to its residents – look like cheap assholes. Sanford Veterans Memorial Park, lying on the bank of Lake Monroe under an inconceivably large American flag, has access to a few of the available networks. This place makes Lake Eola look like a tepid bath of toddler ordure – light breeze, imposing monolith adorned with kick-ass Patrick Henry quotes, topped with a dive-bombing bald eagle – and is frequented by joggers and cane-pole fishers. Not a bad place to watch a sunset or YouTube videos of hornets attacking a beehive.

; arts@orlandoweekly.com

More by Kent Russell

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