Age of Adaline: Having to appear in a shitty Green Lantern movie is the sort of experience that can really age an actress, right? Apparently not! In Age of Adaline, Blake Lively plays a woman who develops a condition that allows her to go through the 20th century without growing any older, affording her the kind of adventures only perpetual youth can bestow. You know, kind of like what Scarlett Johansson is to the 21st century. (OH, SORRY, BLAKE! WE KEEP FORGETTING WE SHOULDN'T BRING THAT WHOLE THING UP.) Speaking of bygone eras, Katherine Heigl was supposed to be in this thing too, but she says she dropped out to adopt a kid. And when has her sincerity ever been in question? The cast includes Harrison Ford, on a break from his main gig of giving safe-flying tips to Germanwings pilots. (PG-13)
Little Boy Roma: Downey and Mark Burnett (A.D.: The Bible Continues) are the executive producers of this faith-based homily about a California tyke who becomes convinced that performing acts of charity will move God to end World War II and bring his dad home. "Cloying and callous," says Variety, which questions the decency of suggesting that dropping a couple of atomic bombs on civilian populations is worth the life of one little towheaded bastard's pop. I dunno – wouldn't you nuke Dayton and Scranton to get Bob Belcher back? (PG-13)
The Water Diviner: For his first foray behind the camera, Russell Crowe directs his favorite actor – himself! – in a historical drama that finds an Australian dad and widower determined to retrieve the bodies of his sons, who have perished in the Battle of Gallipoli. See, if he had just listened to Roma Downey and Mark Burnett, he could have prayed real hard, and World War I would have ended the minute it started, with the Allies dropping the Big One on the guy who shot Archduke Ferdinand. Sixteen million lives saved, Crowe settles into perpetual paternal bliss, and years later, there's one less hotel clerk with a phone-shaped dent in his noggin. Epic win all around. (R)
Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.