OPENING THIS WEEK
I.T. My personal list of great things Pierce Brosnan has done is pretty short. Near the top of that list is the time he couldn't get through an interview with the Orlando Sentinel because he was laughing so hard that the guy they had sent to interview him was named Roger Moore. (Preach, Pierce: We could never wrap our head around it either.) That means the field is fairly clear for Brosnan to distinguish himself with I.T., in which he plays a harried family man who has to protect his daughter – and eventually, his very life – from the vengeful computer specialist he met at his job. Sounds like a cross between Jimmy Fallon's Nick Burns and the guy who set up Hillary's private server, which means the target audience here is obviously frightened old farts who wish the kids would stop playing Pokémon Go on their lawn. If I'm wrong, I enthusiastically invite Brosnan to explain why ... in a far-ranging sit-down with Orlando Weekly stringer Timothy Dalton. (not yet rated)
The Magnificent Seven Jesus, a ripoff of Suicide Squad already? Haha, I kid because I hate. Actually, there are plenty of people young and old who realize this is a remake of the original Magnificent Seven, which was in turn an adaptation of Kurosawa's Seven Samurai. The basic plot remains the same, with a desperate town turning to a septet of ne'er-do-wells for protection. This time, the cast of reprobates includes Denzel Washington, Vincent D'Onofrio and Ethan Hawke. I wonder if it's too late to whip up some posters calling them "the original basket of deplorables." (PG-13)
Storks My nominee for the greatest cartoon short ever made is "Baby Bottleneck," a truly demented 1946 Looney Tune in which the Stork gets too drunk to deliver newborns and Porky Pig and Daffy Duck have to take over for him. This thing has it all: hilarious characters, a gratuitous reference to the Dionne quintuplets, and the best-ever use of Raymond Scott's mechanistic instrumental "Powerhouse." (You'd know it if I hummed it for you.) That all sets the bar pretty high for Storks, a full-lengther that finds our avian friends retired from the business of baby delivery and working instead for an Amazon-like outfit – until a workplace mistake burdens them with one more human infant to care for. Wait a minute, did I say "avian friends"? Yep; in this version, there's apparently a whole fleet of storks and not just the one. Which makes me wonder if I can really trust a bunch of animators who didn't pay full attention to their parents even when they were lying. (PG)
The Good Neighbor If you didn't learn your lesson about tormenting the elderly from Don't Breathe, there's always The Good Neighbor, a cautionary tale about two snot-nosed punks who try to convince a retiree his house is haunted and soon come to rue their choice. Oh, and the old duffer is played by James Caan, which means I totally left my sympathy in my other pants. (NR)
Mr. Church Eddie Murphy might be one of the last actors you could ever picture playing the Magical Negro, but here he is as Mr. Church, a wise cook who makes life better for a young white woman and her single mom in the California of the 1970s. In a shocking twist, he turns out to be escaped prison poet Tyrone Green. Then I wake up. (PG-13)
Wild Oats What do you do when an insurance company mistakenly pays you $5 million? If you're Shirley MacLaine and Jessica Lange, you head to Spain to blow it all! And what do you do when the Weinstein Company tries to get you to pay good money for a movie you could have seen for free on Lifetime a month earlier? You Google "10-minute workouts for the middle finger"! (PG-13)
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