OLD PEOPLE REVOLT! 


Hey, old person! Hope you applied your Fixodent this morning, because this is gonna make your dentures pop out! It's about your favorite magazine in the world – no, not Reader's Digest, you old idiot! It's TV Guide! Jesus, you old people aren't only OLD, you're stupid!

Turn up your hearing aid or stick one of those horns in your ear, because you're not going to believe what I'm about to tell you. As you know, TV Guide has been around since the paleomontheolic era – or about the same time you were dancing the Charleston, playing the ukulele and shouting bizarre old-people phrases like "Twenty-three skidooooo!" And for the most part, TV Guide has remained unchanged. Why? Because every time it makes the slightest adjustment to its format, cranky old farts like yourself bust a shriveled nut, shake their canes in the air and vow never to read the magazine again. Now, for most magazines this would be good news. Magazines are happy for their older readers to die or be sent babbling away to nursing homes, where they'll spend the remainder of their days staining sheets, drooling into cups and accusing the black nurses of stealing the 37 cents they left atop their dressers. With old people out of the way, magazines like TV Guide can finally implement the format changes they've been dreaming of without any interference from Grandpa Nappy and the Adult Undergarments Gang.

That's why TV Guide has made the most sweeping change since its inception 4,756,000 years ago. Formerly a "digest," TV Guide is now the size of your standard glossy magazine. And while it used to be composed almost entirely of TV listings, with a few pages devoted to Matlock, celebrity recipes and the highly annoying "Cheers and Jeers," the NEW TV Guide is almost 100 pages of useless, People magazine-type featurettes, with only 18 pages of listings. Fortunately for Grampy, the featurettes are printed in huge 24-point type. (Unfortunately, the listings are roughly the size of bee poop).

However, when TV Guide made these changes, the folks there forgot one thing: YOU AREN'T DEAD YET. In fact, you have almost 25 percent of your wits about you, which means you can still fire off lengthy letters telling TV Guide how much you hate its new format, how it's impossible to find a nice-fitting pair of trousers, how the Japanese can't be trusted and how these sort of things didn't happen back in the good ol' days, when an onion was still a nickel and you and your buddies marched over to Germany to give Uncle Adolf a right merry kick in the patoot!

So don't just sit there in your waste, old person! Get out your quill and write an argumentative and marginally disoriented letter telling TV Guide these newfangled changes WILL NOT STAND. And unless it returns to its previous digest format, you will cancel your subscription and continue to ramble on aimlessly about how you don't trust those fancy psychiatrists, how you'd like to take a peek inside Myrna Loy's bloomers and how you can still drive an automobile just FINE thankyouverymuch. Twenty-three skidoooooo!

A proud member of the AARP. steve@portlandmercury.com

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, OCT. 27
8 P.M. WB SMALLVILLE
Lana faces the fight of her life when she's forced to join the bitchiest sorority on campus!

8 P.M. UPN EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS
Chris receives more tricks than treats when he takes his siblings out for Halloween.

FRIDAY, OCT. 28
9 P.M. SCIFI RESIDENT EVIL
(Movie, 2002) Hotsy-totsy Milla Jovovich battles brain-eating zombies inside an infested research facility.

SATURDAY, OCT. 29
8 P.M. A&E THE SHINING
(Movie, 1980) Jack Nicholson takes an ax to his family, who you have to admit are pretty annoying.

8 P.M. FX THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT
(Movie, 1999) Camping film students pursuing an ancient legend get the poop scared right into their pants.

SUNDAY, OCT. 30
8 P.M. USA THE HULK
(Movie, 2003) Director Ang Lee's attempt at bringing the "smashing" Marvel superhero to life.

9 P.M. HBO CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
Larry's attempts at greeting trick-or-treaters bring (expectedly) horrifying results.

MONDAY, OCT. 31
9 P.M. FOX PRISON BREAK
Michael's breakout plan is once again stalled when Abruzzi gets demoted.

9 P.M. E! THE SCORNED
(Movie, 2005) For those who really hate reality shows, check out this horror flick, where reality stars get both hacked and slashed.

TUESDAY, NOV. 1
9 P.M. NBC MY NAME IS EARL
Earl meets the business end of Joy's claws when he helps her old nemesis win a beauty pageant.

9:30 P.M. NBC THE OFFICE
Dwight karate-chops Michael, which prompts a lunchtime rematch!

WEDNESDAY, NOV. 2
8 P.M. UPN AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
It's a bitchslap-athon when the ladies turn against each other in competition.

10 P.M. ABC INVASION
For those who missed it, check out the pilot of America's favorite butt-poking alien show!


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