While my colleagues embrace their white liberal guilt – a green Christmas? A China-free Christmas? Seriously, lighten up, guys – I’ll be seeking the shit that, deep down, we all really want: booze. The sauce. Whatever you want to call it, and in whatever form of it you’d like to give to me, my hands are outstretched.

See, it’s been a long, hard slog of a year, what with everything from my employer’s dealings with the fuzz to graying my hair in grad school to watching the pathetic way in which this city tries to revitalize its downtown (which I have to watch, because it’s my job). I need a drink. And since I’m poor (see “grad school”) you should give it to me. To make things easier on you, everything you buy me can be ordered online, from your own home.

Let’s start with the hard stuff. Namely, tequila. But not the shit tequila that’s only drinkable two seconds before passing out. I’m not 18 any more. No, good tequila. Like Gran Patron, which claims to be the smoothest tequila ever produced. Of course, it retails for $198 for a 750 ml bottle (, so I’ve never had it. Or the Don Julio Real Anejo, a five-year-aged tequila that runs about $399.99 ( for a 750 ml bottle.

Moving on then to scotch, an addiction to which is practically a requisite to J-school admission along with your AP Stylebook. But cheap scotch is a terrible, throat-burning beverage. If your scotch isn’t aged 12 years or more, and preferably single malt, then it ain’t scotch. It’s battery acid. Instead, buy me a Banff Single Malt Scotch, a rare scotch aged 23 years, for only $129.99. Or a Bowmore Distillery 25-year-old single malt for $179.99. If you’re feeling super-generous, buy me the Bowmore 40-year-old single malt for only $539.99 (all available at Or, if you must buy me a blended scotch, Johnnie Walker Blue Label will suffice. I guess. It’s only $199.99 at JW Blue is an overrated scotch, marketed to yuppies who don’t mind paying $50 for a double shot just for the sake of saying they spent $50 for a double shot, but that doesn’t mean it’s terrible. Or at least, that’s what it says on the Internet. I can’t afford such niceties. That’s why I’m asking you.

Gifts of beer are also welcome. If you feel like getting off your duff, head over to Knightly Spirits in MetroWest, Total Wine & More or 903 Mills Market downtown; anything Belgian is excellent. I’m particularly fond of the Rochefort Trappist 10; you can buy me an 11.2 ounce bottle of it at Knightly Spirits for about $6. Expensive? Yes. Worth it? Totally. Over at Total Wine, you can make up your own six-pack to give me as you go (prices vary, depending on what you get). Be creative. I’ll appreciate the effort.

More in Holiday Guide


Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.


© 2016 Orlando Weekly

Website powered by Foundation