MORE LETTERS FROM HARRIET MIERS 


Dear Macy's:

I recently purchased one of your high-quality microfiber sofas (model #4475-E) and I have to say that it is the best sofa EVER! I have owned a lot of furniture in my time – and most of it was GREAT – but I have never had the honor of parking my tired old bones on a piece of living-room décor quite as GREAT as this one!!

Ever since I brought this wonderful functional piece into my home, I have taken pains to invite company over at least once a week to share in my good fortune. Sure I'm showing off a little – who wouldn't, with a surefire conversation piece like the 4475-E lying around? – but it's also sooooo important to me that the citizens of our fair state know their room-furnishing needs are in good hands. What can I say? All GREAT compliments so far!!!

Anyway, I know you're all incredibly busy people, so I won't take up any more of your time with my silly yakking. Just keep up the good work, and please pass my best wishes along to your wonderful families, who I'm sure are all GREAT, too!

Sincerely,

Harriet E. Miers, loyal customer


Dear Macy's:

Hi! It's Harriet again! Words cannot express how DELIGHTED I was to receive your incredibly thoughtful gift of a winter apparel catalog in today's mail! Here I was, still cackling like a madwoman over my good fortune at having stumbled upon that Holy Grail of sofas, the 4475-E – and then I opened my mailbox and saw that you had spontaneously sent me a late-breaking bulletin about even more GREAT Macy's items! That was so "cool" of you!! I hope all of your customers recognize how truly blessed they are to shop at a store that does such a GREAT job of keeping them up to speed!! Put me down for a cashmere sweater, as soon as I can decide which lovely color is the best match with my suddenly oh-so-chic living room!!!

Oh, and that stain-removal kit you included with the 4475-E is reaping big dividends, too!! Last weekend, when I was entertaining some friends from the Texas State Lottery Commission, guess which cotton-headed nincompoop spilled a Lynchburg lemonade all over her seat cushion? That's right, it was your pal Harriet – stupid, irresponsible old Harriet, who obviously doesn't deserve to own nice things like the 4475-E. But just one rub with that magic cleansing solution and you could have sworn the sofa was fresh from the showroom! Thanks so much, Macy's, for saving my bacon!! (Between you and me, I just HATE myself sometimes! I sure am lucky this world is filled with brilliant folks like yourselves, who can take up the slack whenever I do something ridiculous!)

Fondly,

Harriet Miers


Dear Macy's:

You've done it again!!! I got so impatient waiting for my sweater to arrive that I rushed right out to your nearest store and plunked down some more of my not-so-hard-earned cash for the first item on the sale table that caught my eye. This time, it was a set of fine cotton towels that got the nod. The saleslady who helped me positively reeked of the courtesy and intelligence I've come to expect from your extraordinary company. (While she rang me up, I said a silent prayer that her children know what a "cool" mom they've landed.) She didn't even flinch when I sought her assurance that the towels are capable of handling tough cleanup jobs, like removing flecks of feces from the tip of the human nose. I rushed them right home, and guess what? They are!!!

I was so excited I had to tell SOMEBODY, so I called the 1-800 number on one of my old billing statements and informed the young gentleman who answered that your towels are simply GREAT!! I think he's used to hearing this – and really, who in his position wouldn't be? – because he didn't say much. He just let me gush, punctuating my excited yammering with the occasional, "Uh huh," "Riiiiight" or "No doubt." Whereupon he swiftly transferred me to somebody else in his department, and I got to run through my spiel all over again for yet another happy, proud, resolutely tight-lipped Macy's employee!! It became almost like a game, with them sending me all over the building and me trying to remember every word of my mini-devotional so I could repeat it verbatim before I heard the click!!!

In my heart of hearts, I know I do not deserve to shop at a GREAT establishment like Macy's. I can only pray that God will one day fill my humble noggin with ideas for repaying your kindness!!!

Until next time,

Harriet


Dearest Macy's:

We haven't talked in a while, but I'm still here and doing GREAT! My home is overflowing with sturdy and attractive Macy's merchandise, and everybody who'll still agree to visit me ends up singing your praises for marketing such extraordinary products!!!!

I sure hope this message gets through: My letters keep coming back unopened, and the last Macy's operator I spoke to said he had been directed not to take any more calls from "that crazy lady." I know that "crazy" is a term today's youngsters sometimes substitute for "cool," so I'm assuming you've decided to deflect any complimentary messages from this "hep" homemaker so you don't get swelled heads. As if any clumsy compliment of mine could bend your picture-perfect crania out of shape!!!

Know what else is going GREAT? And I mean indefatigably, brain-bustingly, Candies-soilingly GREAT? The professional help I've been getting from a therapy group my pastor directed me to. We don't normally endorse psychotherapy at Oozing Wounds of Jesus, but Rev. Beauregard said I could really benefit from it. And how!!!!! Our group leader, Jeff, is helping me see that my mother's constant disapproval is to blame for my persistent feelings of unworthiness, and for my delusion that I have to flatter people to ludicrous extremes to stay competitive. I was so grateful to him for that breakthrough that I went right home and baked him a Bundt cake!!!!!!!!! Another fella in group keeps volunteering that I'm a "hopeless suck-up," by which I think he means I'm naturally prone to absorb life-enriching information like a vacuum cleaner! What a doll!!

Anyway, just thought you'd like to know that I'm on my way to a new and better life, with Macy's inventory as my arsenal. The sofa, towels and sweater send their warmest snugglies. We'll talk again soon, I promise!!!!!!!!

Yours forever and ever,

H.

P.S.: ! sschneider@orlandoweekly.com

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