What's the matter with kids today? Nowadays it seems like you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a mixed-up teen listening to crazy rap music or playing with his Pokey-man cards! What ever happened to the simple pleasures of youth I experienced as a teen, such as cigarettes, unprotected sexual intercourse and drinking ass-flavored wine at the quarry until I eventually blacked out and fell off a cliff? It's a goddamn shame, I tell you!
And even worse than these sissy teens are their permissive, pussy parents! "Oh, goodness gracious me," they bellyache. "My son has been caught giving nickel hand jobs to sailors down at the pier! WHERE DID I GO WRONG?" I'll tell you where you went wrong! Not telling your kid that a good hand job is worth at least five bucks THAT'S where you went wrong!!
Another problem is that parents today are too lax when it comes to corporal punishment. Once, when I shoplifted a nudie magazine from the 7-Eleven, not only did my pop use his belt to tie a fire to my ass I was forced to get a job at that same 7-Eleven in order to pay off my thievery and purchase my dad a case of Schlitz Malt Liquor. AND I WAS 29 YEARS OLD!!
Nowadays, instead of taking kids behind the woodshed, these parents simply push their problems off on someone else a situation woefully demonstrated in the new reality show Brat Camp (ABC, 8 p.m. Wednesday, July 13). This series takes nine "out-of-control teenagers" and ships them off to deepest, darkest Oregon to participate in a "wilderness program." (What's a "wilderness program"? It's like Deliverance, except without sexy Burt Reynolds, and with twice the pig squealing.)
There they are forced to endure grueling hikes with full packs, physically taxing chores and militaristic camp counselors all without a single smidgen of dope, premarital sex or sass talk. The kids must learn to get along without their families and friends, and directly confront the so-called problems that got them kicked out in the first place. Take, for example, Lauren, a former straight-A student who has fallen prey to the demon MARIJUANA. Or Jada, who in very atypical teen fashion "throws parties and experiments with sex, drugs and alcohol." Or Frank, who has "anger management issues" and was suspended from school for "arguing with a teacher." In fact, all nine kids have similar "problems" (which barely sound like problems at all), including hyperactivity, listening to punk rock music, dirty talk and, perhaps most horribly of all, LYING TO THEIR PARENTS. Jesus! I still lie to my parents, and they're DEAD!
So if you ask me, Brat Camp is just another stupid show for middle-class boo-hooers who refuse to take any responsibility for being crappy parents. Don't like teenage shenanigans? Then for the love of God, leave your uterus at the door. Sure, I may not know a lot about parenting, but I do know this: If my pop had been assigned to create a show about dealing with troublesome teens, it wouldn't be called Brat Camp it'd be called Where's My Goddamn Belt?
Somebody needs a spanking.
THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB
THURSDAY, JULY 7
8 p.m. CBS BIG BROTHER 6
Season Premiere! Fourteen new suckers with BO and personal-space issues move into a house and are filmed 24/7!
8 p.m. ABC REIGN OF FIRE Movie
Fire-breathing, flying dragons awaken and find the taste of human ass to their liking.
FRIDAY, JULY 8
9 p.m. TVGUIDE SUSHI TV
Hilarious clips from the weirdest and best Japanese game shows!
10 p.m. USA MONK
Season Premiere! The awesome Tony Shalhoub returns for another season as the obsessive-compulsive Detective Monk.
SATURDAY, JULY 9
8 p.m. NBC BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
Calling all sci-fi geeks! Don't miss the free network showing of this smart and sexy remake of the '70s classic.
8 p.m. OXY ADAPTATION Movie
(2002) Nic Cage stars as real-life screenwriter Charlie Kaufman and his not-so-real twin brother as they try to script an "unfilmable" novel!
SUNDAY, JULY 10
8:30 p.m. FOX THE PRINCES OF MALIBU
Debut! Two jackass jarheads make life for their rich stepdad unbearable in this new reality series.
10 p.m. VH1 HOGAN KNOWS BEST
Debut! Pro wrestler Hulk Hogan's new reality show, in which he attempts to make us give a shit about him having his own reality show.
MONDAY, JULY 11
1 a.m. GSN KENNY VS. SPENNY
Season Premiere! Don't miss this hilarious series about two friends who try to outdo each other in increasingly stupid competitions.
9 p.m. CBS ROCK STAR: INXS
Debut! Contestants vie to become the new lead singer for INXS. Prizes include money, a world tour and dying of autoerotic asphyxiation.
TUESDAY, JULY 12
10 p.m. COM RENO 911!
The deputies have their work cut out for them as they try to apprehend "the fastest criminal in the Southwest United States."
WEDNESDAY, JULY 13
8 p.m. ABC BRAT CAMP
Debut! Troubled teens arrive in a wilderness camp and immediately discover they must cut their cigarette smoking and shoplifting in half. Bastards!
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