KATY LIED (© STEELY DAN, 1975) 


First she tries to cure citrus canker with holy water, and now this. According to the Orlando Sentinel, U.S. Rep. Katherine Harris has said that several House Democrats are supporting her campaign for the Senate, having privately told her how much they prefer her over their party's own Bill Nelson. Nelson spokesman Chad Clanton countered the claim, saying Harris has "a track record of not telling the truth" and commenting, "If we went around chasing every Katherine Harris tale, we wouldn't have time for anything else."

Come on, Chad, our Katy would never leave you hanging. (Get it? "Hanging Chad?" Oh, never mind.) There's a handy repository of her wild and unfounded assertions we can all easily access: her very own blog (http://harris.house.gov/Blog/). The thing isn't a scintillating read, mind you — not like Wonkette, where posters have shared the priceless observation that Harris "dresses like a sofa" — but it's still a vast library of whoppers masquerading as PR snooze. Here are a few of the more egregious fibberoonies we found, joined in every case by talkback comments we would have posted had Harris seen fit to provide such a function. Guess she's just too busy being bugfuck and all.

On May 23 I was honored to visit Arlington National Cemetery to attend a wreath laying ceremony, commemorating women in military service.

A bald-faced untruth. A simple OnStar search reveals that Harris was not even in D.C. on May 23, having slept late, missed her flight and elected to spend the extra hours exfoliating. She did indeed take part in a "laying ceremony" that day, one that in its way paid tribute to the enduring resourcefulness of women. But what went on is entirely between the representative and her stylist, Armando.

As Iraqis close their parliamentary elections, we salute the achievements of the Iraqi people. Today is a historic milestone and I am proud to support the Iraqi people as they take another step toward a democratic society.

Harris is justifiably "proud" of numerous things, especially the undiminished ability of old money to locate youthful vitality at the end of a surgeon's knife. But her charitable feelings toward Iraq's parliamentary elections ended when the Bush administration rebuffed her offer to help guide the precinct-monitoring process "so the darkies can't interfere." Calls to the president, brother Jeb and even first cousin Billy went unreturned, leaving a low-level White House aide to finally explain that the CIA lacks enough trained specialists to ascertain who in today's Iraq qualifies as a darkie and who does not.

With the deficit heading toward record levels, these `spending` cuts are critical to offset expenditures for the hurricane recovery effort. It is time for the federal government to tighten its belt and alleviate the burden of an enormous debt for our children and grandchildren.

An earlier draft of Harris' plea warned that the government was incurring "an enormous debt for Charlie Crist's children and grandchildren," but was tweaked amid much snickering from Harris' staff and a polite demurral from the twinkle-toed attorney general.

I introduced bipartisan legislation this week to permanently ban drilling off the Florida coastline. Eighteen of my colleagues from the Florida delegation signed on to the bill — and we will stand united against these assaults on our coastline.

The legislation Harris actually introduced wasn't quite so eco-friendly, calling on the 18 colleagues she mentions to cease "drilling on nights when I have a headache." Far from meeting with a bipartisan show of support, the measure merely inspired a group reminder that assaults on her coastline put Harris where she is today. The bill was withdrawn pursuant to a House finding that it, like its sponsor, was loaded with pork.

I'm at the Kennedy Space Center today for the launch of space shuttle Discovery.

The representative was playing paintball.

This morning I testified before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee about the "North American Cooperative Security Act," legislation I introduced in May to help enhance border security while facilitating trade with Canada and Mexico.

For "testified," read "had dinner." For "Senate Foreign Relations Committee," substitute "high-powered lobbyist." Now replace "facilitating trade" with, "I'll take the crab claws for $2,000."

Earlier this week, I had a sobering meeting in my office with two representatives from the International Justice Mission … My staff and I were stunned as we heard heart wrenching stories of abuse towards children and were shown videos of women and children as young as 7-years old, in Southeast Asia who were being tricked, kidnapped and sold into sexual slavery.

However, the meeting ended on a positive note when Rep. Harris was able to confide to the IJM that she had the support of all House Democrats, that her high school classmates had never stopped kicking themselves for not electing her prom queen and that her mom always loved her best.

However, the meeting ended on a positive note when Rep. Harris was able to confide to the IJM that she had the support of all House Democrats, that her high school classmates had never stopped kicking themselves for not electing her prom queen and that her mom always loved her best.

sschneider@orlandoweekly.com

Speaking of Dog Playing Poker

Latest in Dog Playing Poker

Newsletters

Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.

Calendar

© 2016 Orlando Weekly

Website powered by Foundation