I Love Televison 


Religion: Not a big fan. Partially because they insist you climb on board with the most ridiculous assertions – worshipping someone who was gruesomely killed and rose from the dead, living a moral life and then being reincarnated as a slug, or avoiding psychologists because you were originally dropped into a volcano by an alien dictator (hi, Scientologists!). I think it's all high time we stop ignoring the elephant in the room (the one wearing a halo) and wake up to the fact that these people are FREAKING NUTS!

However! I'm not the type to judge others before judging myself, so I'll confess I believe in some pretty ridiculous things as well, such as: I have the sweetest piece of ass in the world. Well, that's not completely ridiculous – my ass is really sweet. But there is the possibility that someone in … ohhhhh, I don't know … Istanbul or somewhere has a sweeter ass than mine. If you know of him or her, get 'em to drop me an e-mail! I'd love to hook it up.

Another dicey thing I believe: Menthol cigarettes cure leukemia. Hey, the evidence is right in front of you. I smoke a pack of Kools every day, and look Mom! NO LEUKEMIA. And finally, I somewhat suspiciously believe that Jessica Alba would sleep with me if I gave her a trillion dollars. And she saw a picture of my sweet ass.

So you see, I'm totally understanding of people who believe in really stupid things. Like polygamy. OOH! And speaking of which, have you seen Big Love on HBO (10 p.m. Sunday)? It's the polygamy-est. Bill Paxton stars as a suburban ex-Mormon who has THREE wives, with whom he sleeps on a rotating schedule (thanks to the wonders of Viagra). Plus, he's always being hassled by his parents (who live in a creepy culty compound) and Harry Dean Stanton, the head of the local Mormon Mafia. Though the wives – played by Jeanne Tripplehorn, Chloë Sevigny and Ginnifer Goodwin – try to get along, petty jealousies and rivalries ensue, and an all-out catfight seems just around the corner. YAY!

And while Mormons are all hot under the collar about this show – claiming their religion hasn't practiced polygamy for 100 years – if you ask me, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has never seemed SEXIER. I understand that polygamy has its problems, but why would you get rid of the one religious practice that provides three times the booty? Even those bare-backin' Catholics can't promise that much fun in the sack.

On the other hand, having three wives has got to be a major PAIN IN THE PATOOT. One of the major reasons I'm not religious is because of all the nagging. "Don't smoke! Don't drink! Don't stick your finger in that hole!" But to have THREE WIVES? It's like listening to the Nagatha McNaggerson's Annual Nagathon – in stereo! With a subwoofer!

So while I probably won't become a polygamist – I already have three demanding EX-wives to support – I'll continue to watch the highly entertaining Big Love and keep an open mind. Is that so hard, Jessica Alba? To just keep AN OPEN MIND?!??

Sweet-ass hubby looking for three hot wives.
steve@portlandmercury.com

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, APRIL 6
9 P.M. FOX THE O.C.
College acceptance/rejection letters arrive, threatening Seth and Summer's relationship. Hey, I'll take her!

9 P.M. NBC MY NAME IS EARL
Juliette Lewis guest-stars as Joy's white-trashy arch-enemy. Ladies, sharpen those claws!

FRIDAY, APRIL 7

8 P.M. WB SURVIVAL OF THE RICHEST
When the rich and poor kids team up to go grocery shopping, guess who demands caviar?

9 P.M. SCI DOCTOR WHO
The Doctor leaps into action to stop an interplanetary war. (Why do I think Bush is behind this?)

SATURDAY, APRIL 8
8 P.M. ABC MINORITY REPORT

(Movie, 2002) Not a great movie, but notable because Tom Cruise gets his eyeball plucked out.

SUNDAY, APRIL 9
8 P.M. NBC THE WEST WING
Election Day is ruined when vice presidential nominee Leo croaks. Thanks a bunch, wet blanket!

10 P.M. HBO BIG LOVE
Bill runs into trouble when he forgets all three wives' anniversaries. See, that's why polygamy sucks!

MONDAY, APRIL 10
9 P.M. ABC THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
(Miniseries, 2006) A remake of the movie, which I hope will be more interesting than the original book. SNORE!

9 P.M. FOX 24
When Jack's banned from CTU, Chloe and Audrey team up to save the day!

TUESDAY, APRIL 11
8 P.M. ABC IT'S THE EASTER BEAGLE, CHARLIE BROWN
Linus tries to convince the gang there's such a thing as the "Easter Beagle," which is at least more believable than Scientology.

9 P.M. UPN VERONICA MARS
New night and time!
Veronica is plagued by creepy dreams starring the bus-crash victims.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 12
9 P.M. ABC LOST
Finally, an episode featuring those interracial octogenarians, Bernard and Rose!

10 P.M. FX BLACK. WHITE.
Season Finale!
The two families return to their original skin color – except the honkies, who still want to be black on weekends.


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