Note from Wm.™ Steven Humphrey: There's nothing on TV this week. That's why I'm still on vacation! Until I return, please enjoy the following I § Television™ rerun.™
OK, listen up! This week marks the debut of Survivor: All Stars, wherein past Survivor contestants reunite on a secluded island and screw each other out of a million bucks. And to celebrate this occasion, here's another list of my pissy complaints about the show, which in the end only proves what a jealous and small person I am. But that doesn't make reading it any less enjoyable, right?
• IT FETISHIZES SKELETONS! While many viewers are naturally attracted to the occasional nudity of Survivor, in reality, these people are only naked because their clothes have fallen off their emaciated bodies! And though they may look normal on day one, by day 30 all you've got left is a bunch of nude skeletons walking around with big boobies. Which, OK, is kind of sexy.
• ISN'T A MILLION DOLLARS ENOUGH? Along with returning favorites such as Sue Hawk, Rudy Boesch, Jenna Lewis and the insane-but-charming Rupert Boneham, Survivor: All Stars will also feature million-dollar-winners Richard Hatch, Ethan Zohn and Tina Wesson — which is a pile of HORSE HOCKEY! These greedy pricks already won their million smackers — and now they want more? But perhaps I'm being too judgmental. Maybe these people are putting their money in some kind of direct-deposit account … a direct deposit of COCAINE going right into the First National Bank of Their NOSE!
• I DIDN'T LIKE THESE GUYS THE FIRST TIME AROUND, AND I HAVE TO SEE THEM AGAIN? Over the past seven installments of Survivor, there have been 112 contestants — and how many have been truly memorable? A handful at best, and then only if they turn out to be bipolar monsters. So if the bipolar monsters are the ones making this show successful, then why in God's name are they staffing All Stars with dead wood like Rob Cesternino and Tom Buchanan? Let's break some crazy people out of a mental asylum, stick 'em on an island … and put on a show called Bipolar Monster Island!
Or better yet! While bipolar contestants are really interesting, you know how sometimes insane people think they're superheroes? Well, how about a show where you break crazy people out of a mental asylum, give them superhero costumes and let them fight each other on a deserted island — which we can call Crazy Superhero Island!
And there's nothing funnier than a game of "donkey polo," right? So how about a show where bipolar mental patients dressed as superheroes play "donkey polo" against such Hollywood has-beens as Patrick Swayze, Fran Drescher and funnyman Louie Anderson? And we can call it Celebrity Donkey Polo Island: Crazy Style!
I have to think up everything for these people!
Anybody got a donkey polo mallet?
THURSDAY, AUG. 30
10 p.m. AMC MAD MEN
Pete makes a desperate grab at Don's job in this awesome series set in 1960s Madison Avenue.
10 p.m. BRAVO WELCOME TO THE PARKER
Season finale! Demanding clientele crush the hotel, while the staff tries to hold it together.
FRIDAY, AUG. 31
11 p.m. HBO REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER
The best and funniest place on TV to get your weekly dose of Bush-bashing.
SATURDAY, SEPT. 1
9 p.m. FOX AMERICA'S MOST WANTED
Season finale! It's the 20th season-ending episode. Twenty seasons? Haven't they caught those crooks yet??
9 p.m. FXRLTY SOLITARY
Contestants are kept in solitary confinement, with no human interaction, until they all go buggy and quit! Nope, no sadism here.
SUNDAY, SEPT. 2
7 p.m. FOX FALL PREVIEW SPECIAL
The Fox network gives us a sneaky peek at their new fall schedule … which is pretty much round-the-clock episodes of House.
10 p.m. HBO ENTOURAGE
Season finale! The episode where I hope Vince and the gang die in a plane crash and Ari gets his own show.
MONDAY, SEPT. 3
9 p.m. VH1 THE PICKUP ARTIST
The king of the douchebags shares more of his tips on how to pick up drunken bar sluts. Tip No. 1: Wear a fuzzy Jamiroquai hat.
TUESDAY, SEPT. 4
9 p.m. MYNET JAIL
Debut! It's what happens after Cops, in which shirtless criminals get a real taste of the slammer.
10 p.m. BRAVO FLIPPING OUT
Season finale! A real estate speculator (aka "house flipper") with OCD barely holds onto his sanity while renovating properties.
WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 5
10 p.m. ABC NASCAR IN PRIMETIME
In this behind-the-scenes peek at NASCAR, ABC examines how hillbillies are hypnotized by cars racing around a track and then are persuaded to vote for Bush.
11 p.m. BRAVO TIM GUNN'S GUIDE TO STYLE
Debut! Project Runway's fashion guru puts his "queer eye" on gals with style problems.
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