I Love Television 


Technology! Some people despise it, others love it! Me, I desplove it. For example, those Bluetooth headsets? If you've got one in your ear right now, take it out. You look like an IDIOT. If you're really intent on looking stupid, why not put a car air filter over your eyes and call yourself Geordi from Star Trek: The Next Generation? Na-noo, na-noo, NERD. On the other hand, I do love stealing music off the Internet. As far as I'm concerned, musicians and artists are supposed to die in poverty, so who am I to stop them from fulfilling a lifelong dream?

Another thing I love about technology? PORN. Another thing I hate about technology? NO PORN AT WORK. How am I supposed to excel at my job if I'm always stressed out? Here's another thing I hate about technology: No 30-foot-tall clanking robots. I mean, C'MON! Where are they? It took them like a week and a half to come up with the idea of the Internet, and we've been waiting for 30-foot-tall clanking robots since the 1800s! Quit dicking around, Science!

Another thing I love? Downloading TV shows, or rather the IDEA of downloading them. See, I live in the 21st century, therefore my home comes equipped with satellite TV and TiVo. But my snobby friends who previously pooh-poohed TV are now all like, "OOOOH! I just downloaded the last seven episodes of Lost onto my video iPod. You may now kiss my porcelain ass." But I have to admit, for the non-TV fanatic, it really is a pretty good deal. For only a buck-99 you can quickly download episodes of such great shows as South Park, The Office, Lost and Wonder Showzen, as well as not-so-great to full-out-crappy shows such as America's Funniest Home Videos, Desperate Housewives and (brrrrr!) Law & Order.

"Hold on there, Humpy," I hear you cry. "I spent my last buck-99 on a pack of Newport Lights, therefore I have no money to download the newest episode of Jackass. Oh, boo-hoo-hoo!" Christ, quit yer bellyaching. If you're too goddamn cheap to buy cable or download shows, you're in luck, because ABC recently announced they'll be streaming a few of their primetime shows online FOR FREE. That's right, starting in May you'll be able to go to abc.go.com and download Lost, Desperate Housewives, Commander in Chief and Alias for absolutely free the day after the original episode runs. The downside? You'll have to sit through all the craptastic commercials. But since it's free, maybe you can find something else to bitch about.

"Hold on there, Humpy!" I hear you cry again. "I most certainly CAN find something else to bitch about, and it involves downloading episodes of Alias! Shouldn't they be paying ME to watch that hour-long turd?" Yes, and not only should they pay you, they should give you a video iPod to watch it on! (A video iPod carried by a 30-foot clanking robot! That automatically downloads porn! YEAHHHHH!)

Anybody know how to work this e-mail thingy?
steve@portlandmercury.com

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, APRIL 20
9 P.M. FOX THE O.C.
It's the return of Seth's icky ex-gal pal, Anna, and Ryan's illegitimate baby! Is this the Halloween episode?

9:30 P.M. NBC THE OFFICE
After receiving a karate chop to the cojones, Michael challenges Dwight to a lunchtime fight in the dojo!

FRIDAY, APRIL 21
8 P.M. NBC CELEBRITY COOKING SHOWDOWN
For the seven people who are watching this, tonight the winner will be (yawwwwwn) announced.

SATURDAY, APRIL 22
9:30 P.M. TOON ULTIMATE AVENGERS
Cap'n America and pals fight to save the world! (I'm not a nerd, I'm just mentioning this for the sake of other nerds, Nerd.)

11:30 P.M. NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Speaking of nerdgasms, Natalie Portman is hosting this repeat episode!

SUNDAY, APRIL 23
8 P.M. FOX THE SIMPSONS
The family members re-create famous disasters at sea. Why can't my family do that?!?

10 P.M. ABC GREY'S ANATOMY
A clip show featuring the best scenes from this season. So … that'll take like … five minutes?

MONDAY, APRIL 24
8 P.M. MTV YO MAMA
Wilmer Valderrama (the foreign guy from That '70s Show) hosts this competition for champion trash- talkers!

9 P.M. FOX 24
Jack discovers new information that could lead to even more annoying consequences!

TUESDAY, APRIL 25
9 P.M. UPN VERONICA MARS
When Gia discovers she has an icky stalker, Veronica puts her sexy thinking cap on to save the day!

9 P.M. FOX HOUSE
Cranky Dr. House goes head to head against a teenage faith healer. I hope "science" wins!

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 26
8 P.M. ABC ALIAS
Sydney cuts her maternity leave short to rescue Will. She's a worse mom than Britney Spears!

9 P.M. ABC LOST
After returning to the tribe, Michael eggs on a fight between Jack and the Others!


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