Waitasecond … did you just say a dirty word? Oh, yes you did! In fact, I'd bet a quarter of my testicles that, within the last 10 minutes, you've either uttered or thought a dirty word. (Especially if you've spent the last 10 minutes reading this admittedly infuriating newspaper.) I'm not judging … I've been known to spew filthy words like a sailor with Tourette's. HOWEVER! Let it be said that I'm NOT a fan of dirty talk — unless it's the kind used by that mysterious I Love Television™ reader who leaves long, sexy messages on my voice mail. (Speaking of which, does anybody know what it means to be on the receiving end of a "Mexican Flea Dip"? And does it hurt?)
It's true: I'm put off by "blue" language — even though I'm widely regarded as the Northern Hemisphere's leading producer of verbal diarrhea. That's why I write "fawk" instead of f … well, you know. Or why I say "pee-hole" instead of … that other word. Or why I like to use the term "milky licker" instead of come-guzzling choad smoker. Whoops. That one slipped out.
But see, that's the thing: I can occasionally slip and let an F-word ﬂy and nothing bad will happen, except for the occasional look of intense disappointment from my dead grandmother's ghost. But TV isn't so lucky! For reasons only known to the moral jerk-wipes of this country, everyone else is entitled to free speech — but when TV says anything dirty, the FCC pounces like a fat kid on a bologna sandwich.
Happily, the networks are now saying "ENOUGH!" to this double standard and are teaming up to take the FCC to court. The straw that broke the obscenity-spewing camel's back was a March 15 FCC ruling that found the Billboard Music Awards (Fox), certain episodes of NYPD Blue (ABC), and even CBS' Early Show (!!) indecent because of two dirty words: "F-bomb" and another way of saying excrement that rhymes with "tit." Apparently, while NYPD Blue had planned to say the "S-word," the other two shows claim their obscenity usage was totally by accident. (In the FCC's defense, if the Billboard Music Awards knowingly put Paris Hilton in front of a microphone, they should've realized something disgusting would happen.)
However, the networks aren't fighting for their right to say "indecent" language; instead, they want the FCC to be more clear on what's "dirty" and what isn't. For example, ABC affiliates were scared poopless of FCC fines when the network planned on showing Saving Private Ryan with two dirty words intact. But when asked if local stations would receive a fine for showing the movie, the FCC refused to make a definitive ruling — leaving a few affiliates with no choice but to pull the movie from their schedules. (No big whoop … Private Ryan blows anyway.)
See? If the networks allow this type of indiscriminate judgmental treatment to continue, the FCC and their Christian cronies will have them running scared forever. Now is the time for these motherfreaking networks to stand up for their gol'durn rights and tell the FCC to take their poopy rules and shove them right up their drippy stink-holes. Whoopsy. Excuse my French.
Oh, eff off.
Oh, eff off.
THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB
THURSDAY, APRIL 27
9 P.M. FOX THE O.C.
Marissa invites Surf Nazi to the prom, while Ryan plans on bringing a big can of whup-ass!
9:30 P.M. NBC THE OFFICE
After a small joint is found in the office, Dwight administers drug tests.
FRIDAY, APRIL 28
10:30 P.M. E! THE CHELSEA HANDLER SHOW
Skits and variety with hotsy-totsy pinup gal Chelsea Handler.
SATURDAY, APRIL 29
8 P.M. OXY IVANA YOUNG MAN
Debut! Ivana Trump interviews eight young studs to add to her stable. ICK!
11:30 P.M. NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
It's an episode featuring the best of "TV Funhouse." Waitasecond … this could possibly be funny!
SUNDAY, APRIL 30
8 P.M. HBO ELIZABETH I
Helen Mirren stars as the mercurial Queen of England, who has the eternal hots for the Earl of Leicester!
8 P.M. FOX THE SIMPSONS
When Principal Skinner divides the class between boys and girls, Lisa becomes a drag king!
MONDAY, MAY 1
9 P.M. FOX 24
As Jack closes in, the evil President Logan has a presidential freakout.
9 P.M. ABC SUPERNANNY
Nanny Jo has her hands full with cranky kids and their bickering, divorced parents.
TUESDAY, MAY 2
8 P.M. FOX AMERICAN IDOL
It's down to five — but don't you DARE let that trailer-trashy Kellie Pickler win!
10 P.M. CBS DYNASTY REUNION
Joan Collins and Linda Evans reunite to discuss the classic nighttime soap and scratch each other's cataracts out.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 3
8 P.M. UPN AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
One of the girls is rushed to the emergency room after she's crushed under Tyra's ego.
9 P.M. ABC LOST
To get him to confess, Ana Lucia tortures prisoner Henry Gale. I should be so lucky!
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