I LOVE TELEVISION 


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;TV shows are LAZY. That's right — I said it! TV shows are lazy, good-for-nothin', long-haired hippies that need to cut their hair, get off their big fat ass and get BACK TO WORK!

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; Do you think for one second my boss would stand for it if I wrote this column for 22 weeks (or episodes, if you're a TV show) and then suddenly declared, "Well! That's enough for me for one season! I'll see YOU this coming fall!" Believe me, by the end of the business day, I'd be dumpster diving for half-eaten hot dogs. And yet, this week alone, nearly 40 shows are having their "season finales" and will be — for all I know — plopping their lazy B-holes on a beach for the next five months!

;

;THAT AIN'T RIGHT! The way I see it? If I have to stretch myself to the creative limit, producing substandard TV columns week after week until my brain starts seeping out of my ears, then these pee-wipe TV shows can work year-round as well! Take for example …

;

;• Smallville (fifth-season finale, WB, 8 p.m. Thursday, May 11): How much effort does it really require to take off your shirt? Practically none! And yet? We're going to have to wait until October for another chance to see Superboy Tom Welling waggle his perky nips. HORSESHIT!

;

;;• America's Next Top Model (sixth-season finale, UPN, 8 p.m. Wednesday, May 17): Models are the laziest, most worthless people ON EARTH (next to Canadians). And apparently, host Tyra Banks thinks we'll be just fine waiting around half a year for a new cast of anorexic bitches to start scratching each others' eyes out. WELL, WE WON'T BE FINE! WE JUST WON'T!

;;• Grey's Anatomy (second-season finale, ABC, 9 p.m. Monday, May 15): As for you, Grey's Anatomy, take as much time off as you need. In fact, why not take the rest of my life off? What possible justification do you have to exist, other than the hairy chest of Doctor McDreamy (Patrick Dempsey)? Even worse, you're closing out the season with a two-hour episode?? I'd have a better time falling face first into a box of rusty ice picks.

;;• Law & Order (16th-season finale, NBC, 10 p.m. Wednesday, May 17): Holy crap. They've been around for 16 seasons? Look, TV shows are like cats — if they're still alive at the age of 14, the humane thing to do is put a bullet through their head.

;;• My Name Is Earl and The Office (first- and second-season finales, NBC, 8:40 p.m. and 9:20 p.m. Thursday, May 11): Whoa, whoa … WHOA! What's up with these weird-ass 40-minute episodes starting at 8:40 and 9:20? This ain't China, my friend! If you're a TV show in AMERICA, you come to work on the hour or half-hour. And don't think for one second you can pull that lame, "But I'm working 10 extra minutes" excuse! Shows in THIS COUNTRY last either 30 or 60 minutes — and if you're going to hang around at work after hours, then you better be doing what I do … surfing porn on the Internet!

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;; Stop reading this and
;GET BACK TO WORK!

;;THURSDAY, MAY 11

;;9 P.M. WB SMALLVILLE

;

;After watching the season finale at 8 p.m., catch this repeat featuring that stinkin' fish stick, Aquaman!

;

 

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;9 P.M. FOX THAT '70S SHOW

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;;Series Finale! The series finale? I had no idea this show was still on the air!

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;FRIDAY, MAY 12

;;8 P.M. CBS KEITH BARRY: EXTRAORDINARY

;

;Illusions from the magician and his celeb friends.
;(Hey, if he's not drowning himself in a fishbowl, I'm not interested.)

;

;

;

;SATURDAY, MAY 13

;;8 P.M. WB FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF

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;;(Movie, 1988) Matthew Broderick stars as a narcissist who has a great day at everyone else's expense. Jerk!

;

 

;

;8 P.M. SPIKE OUT OF REACH

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;(Movie, 2004) Steven Seagal leaps into action to rescue his pen pal from white slavers. (Steven Seagal has
;a pen pal?)

;

;

;

;SUNDAY, MAY 14

;;8 P.M. CBS SURVIVOR: EXILE ISLAND

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;;Season Finale! Host Jeff Probst tries to act excited about another million-dollar winner.

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;8 P.M. NBC THE WEST WING

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;;Series Finale! The very last episode of this Beltway fairy tale. Back to reality, folks!

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;

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;MONDAY, MAY 15

;;8 P.M. FOX PRISON BREAK

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;;Season Finale! The prisoners race for their lives, with Bellick in hot pursuit!

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;9 P.M. ABC GREY'S ANATOMY

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;;Season Finale! In this season-ending cliffhanger, the doctors pump each other with adrenaline shots to avoid boring each other to death.

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;TUESDAY, MAY 16

;;8 P.M. FOX AMERICAN IDOL

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;With three contestants left, Paula fights to stay sober.

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;10 P.M. CBS THE UNIT

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;;Season Finale! Don't miss this hilariously macho show starring that guy from the insurance commercials.

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;

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;WEDNESDAY, MAY 17

;;8 P.M. UPN AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

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;;Season Finale! In order to win, the final two models must compete in an "anorexia challenge."

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;

;9 P.M. ABC LOST

;

;After shooting two of the castaways, Michael pins it on "The Others" (who are really sick of being blamed for everything that goes wrong on the island)!


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