I LOVE TELEVISION 


Facts are facts: Teenagers are more interesting than you and I. Teens talk about the latest iPod, whorish colors of eye shadow and whose booty they intend on "tapping." We talk about mortgage payments, loveless marriages and erectile dysfunction/vaginal dryness. Teens dress funkier, listen to better music, perform far more sexual dance moves and — when push comes to shove — make a billion more dollars than the rest of us. (See anyone on the current pop charts for further details.)

So when I reveal to you the following information about the new CW network's upcoming season? You may not give a crap. And that's because you are an uninteresting adult, rather than an interesting teen. In fact, in order to better communicate my information, I will be speaking in top-secret "teen" language that you OLD people are far too "square" to understand. (How did I learn it? From watching American Idol judge Randy Jackson.)

Yo, yo, yo, dawgs! Check it OUT. It's number-one rad dude Wm.™ Steven Humphrey with the dilly-scoopage on what's UP with the CW this fall season. YA HEARD? Now if y'all ain't up on this, the CW network is an "amalgamation" (yo) of the WB and UPN — two networks who couldn't hang solo and had to climb up into each others' grillz… like, to survive! WORD.

Of course, the new CW ain't feelin' every show produced by WB/UPN, so … CHOP, CHOP, TERIYAKI! Some cuts had to be made. For example, almost any show that featured a person who was OLD or BLACK was "kicked to the curb" — like the WB's Living With Fran and Reba. See … THEY'RE OLD. On the UPN side, you can also say "buh-bye" to Eve, Half & Half and Cuts … which I assume stars black people. However! Teens are NOT racists, yo. They're "down" with young blacks — which is why the CW is keeping Everybody Hates Chris. HOLLA!

So which shows will be back to represent? Check-check-chikky-chikky-check it: America's Next Top Model, Smallville, Gilmore Girls (who are kinda creaky — but whatevs!), Beauty & the Geek, Supernatural, Veronica Mars and WWE Smackdown (which also features old people, but it's funny when old people beat the shit out of each other). YOU FEELIN' ME?

But the CW isn't just about kickin' it old school. They've got two new shows sneakin' up on the down-low! Runaway is about a family of sexy teens who are fighting to prove the innocence of their old and infirm father (played by New Kid on the Block DONNIE WAHLBERG — shit, that dude is so old, he owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp). Next up is Palm Springs, yet another coming-of-age drama about yet another troubled teen played by yet another former cast member of The O.C. (Taylor Handley, who you may remember as krrrr-azy Oliver)! It also stars a bunch of old people no one cares about. CAN I GET A TRUE DAT?

So when you're hittin' up that TV this fall? Don't miss the realest, most illest network that ever refused to hire an old person — the CW! (Legal reminder: Discrimination based on race, religion, gender or age is against the law … NOT! Oh, no I didn't!)


THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, MAY 25
8 P.M. FOX SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE?
Season Premiere! Teens from across the nation compete to see who has the most ants in their pants.

9:30 P.M. NBC THE OFFICE
A hilarious repeat in which Dunder-Mifflin must undergo sexual-harassment seminars.

FRIDAY, MAY 26
8 P.M. ABC FREAKY FRIDAY
(Movie, 2003) A mom and a daughter exchange
bodies. Starring Lindsay Lohan pre-bulimia.

8 P.M. MTV BLOWIN' UP
Jamie Kennedy wants to become a rap star — so naturally he turns to Bob "Full House" Saget for help.

SATURDAY, MAY 27
8 P.M. USA THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE

(Movie, 1972) The classic disaster flick starring Gene Hackman, Shelley Winters and the always-beloved Ernest Borgnine.

SUNDAY, MAY 28
10 P.M. VH1 SUPERGROUP
Ted Nugent, Sebastian Bach and other hair rockers join together in this reality show to come up with the heaviest heavy metal song … EVER!

MONDAY, MAY 29
9 P.M. ABC JOEL SIEGEL'S SUMMER FILM PREVIEW
A peek at the summer's hottest movies, from a film critic who would give two thumbs up to syphilis.

 

10 P.M. MTV REAL WORLD/ROAD RULES CHALLENGE
Season Premiere! Failed former cast members of The Real World and Road Rules compete for kegs of beer and sexual favors.

TUESDAY, MAY 30
8 P.M. NBC LAST COMIC STANDING
Season Premiere! America's most annoying stand-up comics compete to see who is the least annoying.

10 P.M. FX RESCUE ME
Season Premiere! Yay! The return of the best (and funniest) drama on TV about post-Sept. 11 firefighters. Starring Denis Leary!

WEDNESDAY, MAY 31
8 P.M. CBS GAMESHOW MARATHON
Debut! Ricki Lake hosts this competition, which pits washed-up celebs in classic game shows like The Price Is Right. Wow. That … sounds … AWFUL.


10 P.M. MTV THE HILLS
Debut! Emotionally unbalanced Lauren from Laguna Beach gets her own reality show. Somebody better stock up on Xanax.

Debut! Emotionally unbalanced Lauren from Laguna Beach gets her own reality show. Somebody better stock up on Xanax.

All the teens are doin' it!

steve@portlandmercury.com

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