I LOVE TELEVISION 


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;Babies these days? They got it eaaaasy. They eat adult foods (puréed, of course), wear adult clothes (like Adidas sneakers), and they even get their own "special" car seat! And if you ask me … THAT'S BULLSHIT!

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;When I was a baby, I rode in the front (usually on the floorboard) of the family car, or in the back of my dad's pickup truck (if the dogs called dibs on the front seat). And did I ever get any fancy designer clothes or haircuts? NOOOOOOOO! I had to wear my sister's hand-me-down disposable diapers for six years! And for the first three years of my life? My hair looked like CRAP. I was never taken to one of those fancy baby hairstyling salons where they provide massages and artesian spring water in a sippy cup! That's because my parents were MONSTERS and babies these days are … are … BIG FAT BABIES!

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;And if I wanted to watch TV when I was a baby? I had to watch whatever my parents watched — again, which was CRAP! The only things baby Humpy liked were Fantasy Island and The Love Boat (and only because of the size of Adrienne Barbeau's knockers — those were a couple of sweet milk bags).

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;But now, babies have their VERY OWN NETWORK. I know! It's GALLING. It's called BabyFirstTV (available on DirecTV satellite, channel 293), and every program is designed specifically for babies aged 6 months to 3 years. "HOLD ON THERE A SECOND, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me," I hear you cry. "My goddamn pediatrician told ME that babies aren't supposed to watch ANY TV until they're at least 2 years old because they could possibly catch Attention Deficit Disorder!"

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;Huh? Wha? I'm sorry … I wasn't listening. I just saw this really cool bug crawl by. Anyway, the producers of BabyFirstTV claim they're providing a necessary service, since 68 percent of babies under the age of 2 watch TV anyway, and 38 percent already have a television IN THEIR ROOM. (When I was a baby, I didn't get a TV in my room — although I did see the occasional rat.) They figure if babies are watching the tube anyway, they should watch developmentally appropriate tube (no Adrienne Barbeau).

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;So what do they consider developmentally appropriate? Shows devoted solely to baby songs, black-and-white moving shapes, rudimentary counting and baby sign language — which is my favorite, because the sign language lady is totally hot for a deaf chick. She's no Adrienne Barbeau … but I certainly wouldn't mind "latching on" to her, IF you know what I mean. (You don't? Ask a nursing mother to explain.)

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;Like it or hate it, TV ain't going away, and neither are babies. So if parents want a TV distraction for the diaper-dumpers that'll make them feel a little less guilty? Now they have one. However, why didn't they ask me for ideas for baby-appropriate shows? I got a billion of 'em! Such as Stop Pooping So Much. And If You Don't Stop Crying, Daddy Is Going To Blow His Head Off. And of course, Adrienne Barbeau's Milk Train. Ahh … I'm thirsty just thinking about it.

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THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB:

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;THURSDAY, JUNE 8

;;8:30 P.M. MTV 2006 MTV MOVIE AWARDS

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;Far more relevant than the Academy Awards — plus, it's hosted by Jessica Alba! (Pant! Pant! Woof! Ah-OOOH-GAH!)

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10 P.M. NBC WINDFALL

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;;Debut! Luke "90210" Perry hits the lottery, and discovers money can't buy happiness. Yeah, but it apparently buys hair plugs.

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FRIDAY, JUNE 9

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;;9 P.M. SCI FI DOCTOR WHO

;;Season Finale! This newest incarnation of the British import finishes its campy (and fun!) first season.

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9:30 P.M. MtV2 WHERE MY DOGS AT?

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;;Called the Midnight Cowboy for animated cartoons, and about dogs in Hollywood. I'm sold!

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SATURDAY, JUNE 10

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;;9 P.M. SCI BLACK HOLE

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;(Movie, 2006) A botched science experiment creates an artificial black hole that threatens to suck up the world (that is, if leading man Judd Nelson doesn't suck it up first)!

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SUNDAY, JUNE 11

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;;9 P.M. HBO DEADWOOD

;;Season Premiere! The filthiest-talkin' Western EVER gets even dirtier-like this season. Yee-HAW!

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10 P.M. HBO ENTOURAGE

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;;Season Premiere! Vince's Aquaman movie premieres — and somebody ends up smelling like fish.

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MONDAY, JUNE 12

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;;9 P.M. FOX HELL'S KITCHEN

;;Season Premiere! Chef Ramsay returns to hilariously torment another crew of wannabe cooks.

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9 P.M. TNT THE CLOSER

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;;Season Premiere! Check out the second season of this surprisingly likeable detective drama starring Kyra Sedgwick. (See story, page 22.)

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TUESDAY, JUNE 13

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;;9 P.M. BRAVO KATHY GRIFFIN: MY LIFE ON THE D-LIST

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;Kathy learns that the road to fame should be retitled "the road to humiliation."

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10 P.M. CBS TUESDAY NIGHT BOOK CLUB

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;;Debut! This reality show follows the adventures of actual suburban housewives. So it's like Desperate Housewives, except even more BORING.

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WEDNESDAY, JUNE 14

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;;8 P.M. FOX SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE

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;The pack is thinned down from "the hilariously bad" to just "the bad."

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10 P.M. ABC COMMANDER IN CHIEF

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;;Series Finale! Geena Davis hangs up her crown as America's first woman president. (Maybe she should hang up the collagen implants as well?)


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