I LOVE TELEVISION 


;Augghh! What is that cruel glowing orb in the sky? Alas! It is THE SUN, washing my pale, wan skin with its aggravating, boiling rays! (No, I have no idea why I'm talking like an 18th-century dandy — there are so many things to worry about, let's just blame the GODDAMN HEAT!) As we know, there are a multitude of reasons to pooh-pooh the sun: 1) It's bright! Every time I stare at the sun, it gets all up in my grill, like, "Wha'choo staring at me for, Mayo-naise? Try a little ‘blindness' on for size, bee-yatch!" 2) Skin removal. As you know, I am a proponent of driving in the nude. However, thanks to THE SUN, my vinyl seats heat up somewhere around a bazillion degrees and literally melt the skin off my juicy bits. And 3) global warming. Sure, everyone blames "pollution," but if there were no sun, there wouldn't be any global warming to complain about — WOULD THERE?

;

;But there are upsides to the sun as well. For example: 1) You taking your clothes off. I like to see you naked, and I find it easier to entice you into such a position when the sun is at its brightest. 2) Me taking my clothes off. You like to see me naked, too, don't you? And you find it easier to entice me into banging you on a picnic table when the sun is hot. And 3) avoiding the sun completely because there's some great TV on. There's nothing I enjoy more on a hot summer's eve than watching delightfully trashy tube while lying spread-eagled in front of an air conditioner and letting the cool, cool air freeze my taint. And this week is especially trashy!

;

 

;

;• Pee-wee's Playhouse (11 p.m. Monday–Thursday, Cartoon Network) Wow! Get ready for some '80s-style fun, because all 45 episodes of this classic (and mentally warped) kids' show will be prominently featured in the Adult Swim lineup. For the uninitiated, actor Paul Reubens' enfant terrible encouraged kids to engage in all sorts of whacked-out behavior, with a little help from such great character actors as Phil Hartman (Capt. Carl), Laurence Fishburne (Cowboy Curtis) and even Jimmy Smits as "the television repairman." However, the show was yanked after Reubens was accused of masturbating in a porno theater. Yo, maybe a brother was just trying to cool off?

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;

;• Project Runway (9 p.m. Wednesday, Bravo) Speaking of
;getting hot, our fave fashion-designer reality show is back for another sexy season. If you've never seen it, this is what all reality shows should aspire to: getting truly talented/driven/eccentric people to design great fashion, thereby teaching the viewer a thing or two in the process. Plus the models are often naked, and therefore "hot." HOT LIKE THE SUN!

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;

;• Reno 911! (10:30 p.m. Sunday, Comedy Central) And speaking of "the sun," if you haven't checked out this hee-larious parody of Cops — well, you should be roasted alive on THE SUN. Reno 911 is an improvised comedy show dealing with the bumbling officers of the Reno sheriff's department and an assortment of shirtless drunks. You'll laugh so hard your frozen taint will crack.

;;
;Is it hot in here, or is it just ME?

;;steve@portlandmercury.com

;;;;;THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB;

;THURSDAY, JULY 6
;9 P.M. CBS BIG BROTHER: ALL-STARS
;Season Premiere! Twenty former wash-ups return to compete — which is like a dog returning to lap up its own vomit.
;

;;10 P.M. SPIKE THE DUDESONS
;Debut! This Finnish Jackass features a gang of guys kicking each other in the fjords.
;
;FRIDAY, JULY 7
;9 P.M. CBS THE UNIT
;New day and time! If you like "macho cheese," check out this unintentionally hilarious military drama!
;

;;10 P.M. USA PSYCH
;Debut! A young smartass with sharp deductive abilities fools the cops into thinking he's psychic. Stupid cops.

;;
;SATURDAY, JULY 8
;9 P.M. SCI-FI SLAYER
;(Movie, 2006) It's Casper (Van Dien) the Vampire Slayer to the rescue when undead bloodsuckers bite his pal.
;

;;SUNDAY, JULY 9
;9 P.M. COM CHAPPELLE'S SHOW
;Season Premiere! Here are the so-called "lost" episodes that Chappelle himself thought were too crappy for broadcast. Thanks, Comedy Central!
;

;;10:30 P.M. COM RENO 911!
;Season Premiere! The return of one of the funniest improv comedies on TV. Thanks, Comedy Central!
;(I'm not being sarcastic this time.)
;
;MONDAY, JULY 10
;9 P.M. FOX HELL'S KITCHEN
;Chef Ramsay begs, BEGS the contestants to finish just ONE dinner service without emptying the restaurant.
;

;;10 P.M. VH1 WORLD SERIES OF POP ;CULTURE
;Debut! Test your pop culture knowledge against America's finest in this fun new show!
;
;TUESDAY, JULY 11
;10 P.M. FX RESCUE ME
;After Tommy sexually assaults ex-wife Janet, their relationship improves. NICE MESSAGE.
;
;WEDNESDAY, JULY 12
;9 P.M. BRAVO PROJECT RUNWAY
;Season Premiere! A brand new gang of designers line up to impress the pants off Heidi Klum.
;

;;9 P.M. NBC AMERICA'S GOT TALENT
;Don't miss what is, hands down, the creepiest, most uncomfortable show on TV. Now, there's a recommendation.

;; 

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