I LOVE TELEVISION 


;Most people can only be successful in one career. Me, I could be a superstar in a myriad of professions — from award-winning chimney sweep to championship drag racer to toothbrush manufacturer to world's sexiest proctologist. HOWEVER! My true talents lie in one of two professions: writing nonsensical tripe in tabloids such as this, and "professional singing." While I'm certainly well known for the former, when it comes to the latter I am repeatedly hounded with the same bewildered advice: "Humpy! You sing like a goddamn ANGEL. Why not share your blessed gift with the WORLD?"

;;Good question. At any point I could've put down my pen and let the birds in my throat fly — charming the globe with my musical ejaculations. However, had I chosen such a path, how would you know what time Project Runway comes on? EXACTLY. Sometimes the needs of the many outweigh the crushed dreams of me.

;;On the other hand, screw you. I've waited long enough to travel the road of destiny, which is why the world will soon be exclaiming, "WOW!" when I finally share my astounding vocal abilities with those who have been clearly begging for it. And all it will take is one audition for this season's American Idol.

;;That's right: The auditions for American Idol have officially begun (the one closest to YOU is in Birmingham, Ala., on Aug. 21; see www.americanidol.com for details). This means after I pass the audition, go to Hollywood and hack the competition to bits, it will be ME standing alone onstage, being showered by balloons and confetti, hugged by Ryan Seacrest and WORSHIPPED by millions of undeserving sycophants! Yay, ME!

;

;What's that? The rules clearly state I must be between 16 and 28?? HORSE HOCKEY! Sure, I may be ever so slightly over 28 years old — but are you trying to tell me that last year's winner, Taylor Hicks, isn't topping 47? He looks like Jay Leno's grandpappy! Let ME worry about the rules. I'll simply stride up to the front of the line (no waiting overnight for me), wag my finger at the guard and announce in my most grandiose Shakespearean tone, "Sir! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM??" Naturally, I shall pass unimpeded.

;

;Then, I will walk straight into the audition room, brushing aside Ryan Seacrest ("Sir! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM??"), and stop in front of Simon, Randy and that lascivious lush, Paula. "How dare you violate this sacred sanctum … dawg?" Randy will cry. To which I will respond, "Sir! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM??" And when they say, "No, we most certainly do NOT," I shall say, "OH. Umm … OK … Well, you will know me as the winner of American Idol 6! But for now, let me introduce myself via the gorgeous, haunting tones of my melodious voice!"

;;Then I will either sing Extreme's "More Than Words," Barbra Streisand's "Evergreen," the theme song from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang or Jay-Z's "99 Problems (But a Bitch Ain't One)" — depending upon my mood. Their reaction? Well, what do YOU think? And even though I will obviously win the whole shebang, you should still follow your pipe dream and enter American Idol 6. (After all, somebody's gotta come in second!)

;;The hills are alive with the sound of ME.

;;

;; 

;;;;THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB ;;;

THURSDAY, JULY 20

;

;;8 p.m. ABC MASTER OF CHAMPIONS

;

;A man tries to break a video game record while juggling lit torches. Umm … what?

;;

;10 p.m. VH1 WORLD SERIES OF;;POP CULTURE

;

;Hey, trivia buffs! Don't miss this odd but strangely addictive new game show!

;;

;FRIDAY, JULY 21

;;10 p.m. USA PSYCH

;

;Good buzz abounds for this cutie-patootie mystery show about a fake psychic!

;;

;SATURDAY, JULY 22

;;8 p.m. NBC MIAMI VICE

;

;The original two-hour pilot of the most awesomest sockless cop show EVER! Recommended!

;;

;9 p.m. COM BAD SANTA

;

;(Movie, 2003) Billy Bob Thornton stars as an amoral petty thief who robs department stores dressed as Santa!

;;

;SUNDAY, JULY 23

;;8 p.m. DSC GRIZZLY MAN

;

;(Movie, 2005) Werner Herzog's terrific documentary about a grizzly enthusiast who gets a wee bit too close to the bears.

;

;10:30 p.m. TOON THE VENTURE BROTHERS

;;If you haven't checked out this hee-larious animated parody of Jonny Quest — I command you to do so NOW!

;;

;MONDAY, JULY 24

;;8 p.m. NBC PROJECT RUNWAY

;

;A great opportunity for you to see the best reality show on television … and you don't have to buy cable!

;;

;9 p.m. BRAVO TABLOID WARS

;;Debut! A reality show about the inner workings of the New York Daily News and its ongoing battle with the Post.

;;

;TUESDAY, JULY 25

;;10 p.m. FX RESCUE ME

;

;In an effort to turn his crappy life around, Lou becomes a New Age hippie.

;;

;10:30 p.m. COM RENO 911!

;

;Hilarity and hospital bills ensue when the sheriff's department inherits a jet ski.

;;

;WEDNESDAY, JULY 26

;;8 p.m. CBS ROCK STAR: SUPERNOVA

;

;The contestants are left feeling insecure after a penis-measuring challenge with Tommy Lee.

;;

;10 p.m. FX 30 DAYS

;;Season premiere! Morgan Spurlock returns with his reality show, making bigots walk a mile in the other guy's shoes.

;;

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