I LOVE TELEVISION 


;As previously and voraciously stated in this column, ME NO LIKE NERDS. I am an unapologetic bully who gets unbridled joy from picking up nerds by their underpants and dumping them headfirst into garbage receptacles. Does this make me a bad person? NO. See, there's a delicate balance in the universe, consisting of "good/evil" and "bully/nerd." And if maintaining this delicate balance requires me to occasionally "pants" a nerd at the gym? I'd say that makes me a hero.

;;Did I say "hero"? Why, that's a perfect segue into today's topic, "Nerds on TV who dress up like superheroes." Now, I don't have anything against comic books per se … they teach kids how to read, and from what I understand, Archie is a hoot. However, when one turns 14 years old, one should put away his toys and start concentrating on ONE THING: getting a sweet taste of booty. Unfortunately, many nerds ignore this advice and continue living in "childhood fantasy land" well into their 20s.

;

;"Ohhhhh … CRAM IT, Humpy!" I hear you cry. "If reading funny books instead of getting laid makes these misguided nerds happy, what harm is there in that?" What harm is there? Did you just ask me, "WHAT HARM IS THERE?" OK, then … JUST THIS.

;

;This Thursday on the Sci-Fi Channel (9 p.m. July 27) is the world premiere of a new reality program titled Who Wants To Be a Superhero? It's a game show in which nerds create their own superheroes, put on costumes and then compete against each other in a series of challenges. The winner will receive their own comic book created by Marvel comics mastermind Stan Lee (also a producer/judge for the series), and their character will appear in an original Sci-Fi Channel movie!

;

;OK. Let's stop right now, and let me state for the record that I have no problem with people occasionally dressing up like superheroes. I dressed up like the Flash one Halloween and got laid SIX TIMES. (What can I say? The Flash moves fast.) But in this series, the contestants will be wearing their costumes and acting like their characters 24/7 — which is WAAAAY beyond the boundaries of normal reality-show humiliation.

;

;But … since these people chose to sign up, they deserve whatever they get — and what they're going to "get" is a kick in the patoot from ME. Why? It's that "delicate balance of the universe" thingy. You can't have a group of superheroes running around without a cadre of polar-opposite super-
;villains to beat them up … right? That's why I'm starting up a new organization called "THE CONSORTIUM OF VILLAINY." (Apparently, "The Legion of Doom" has already been taken.)

;

;Anyway, the plan is to storm the final taping of Who Wants To Be a Superhero? and beat the crap out of them. Would you like to join? OF COURSE YOU WOULD. You get to wear a cool uniform (usually something sexy, like leather), you get to steal shit and, most importantly, YOU GET TO BEAT UP NERDS. (Ooops. Actually, the most important thing is that you get to have A LOT of sex. But beating up nerds comes in a close second.)

;;

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

;

;THURSDAY, JULY 27
;
9 P.M. SCI WHO WANTS TO BE A SUPERHERO?
;Debut! The heroes accept their first challenge, in which each is asked to take a "nerd detector" test.
;

;;10 P.M. FX IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY
;IN PHILADELPHIA

;When a leaky water pipe in the bar leaves a stain that looks like the Virgin Mary, the gang has two words: cha-CHING!
;
;FRIDAY, JULY 28
;
8 P.M. SCI NIGHT STALKER
;The Sci-Fi Channel picks up this cancelled but interesting remake of the classic '70s spooky show.
;
;SATURDAY, JULY 29
;
8 P.M. FX SECRET WINDOW
;(Movie, 2004) Dreamy Johnny Depp plays a wacko writer in this creepfest based on a Stephen King story.
;

;;8 P.M. CMTV HEE HAW MARATHON
;Multiple episodes of the hillbilliest show ever devised (much funnier than anything on Blue Collar TV).
;
;SUNDAY, JULY 30
;
10:30 P.M. COM RENO 911!
;When a crime wave sweeps Reno, the department is forced to call in … Citizens' Patrolman Rick?!
;

;

MONDAY, JULY 31
;
9 P.M. FOX HELL'S KITCHEN
; It's down to the final four chefs, which means we only have a few more opportunities to hear Chef Ramsay call someone "a fat fucking doughnut."
;

;

;;10 P.M. ABC ONE OCEAN VIEW
;Debut! In this reality soap, yuppies flee Manhattan for exclusive beach communities. In other words, Laguna Beach thirtysomething.
;
;TUESDAY, AUGUST 1
;
9 P.M. SCI EUREKA
;Sheriff Carter accidentally shoots the town nerd. Yeah … "accidentally."
;

;

;;10 P.M. FX RESCUE ME
;Tommy has a psychotic melt when he thinks the firehouse gang is breaking up.
;
;WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 2
;8 P.M. NBC
AMERICA'S GOT TALENT
;A special two-hour episode! Two hours of Brandy, that British guy and "The Hoff"? CLEAR MY
;SCHEDULE!

;


; 10:30 P.M. COM DOG BITES MAN
; A funny and dark satire of local news teams — with unsuspecting real people mixed in!

;

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