I LOVE TELEVISION 


Remember last week when I was going on and on about how I hate nerds, and nerds who dress up like superheroes? (YOU DIDN'T READ THAT ONE? Thanks for making me feel like crap!) Well, anyway … I WAS. And since there was such a poor turnout for my last column, I see nothing wrong with revisiting the same boring topic this week. So there … NYAHH!

POP QUIZ, HOTSHOT! Who is the most nerdiest superhero there ever was? Yes, AQUAMAN. Now, regular readers of this column (unlike YOU) already know I despise this waterlogged fish stick because of the following reasons: 1) He's a drip. LITERALLY. 2) He has no real powers other than swimming fast and ordering schools of tuna to do his dirty work. And 3) While 71 percent of the Earth is covered in water, 99.999999 percent of all crime is committed on land! DO YOU GET WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS??

OK, so game, set, match — I won that argument. Here's my point: Everyone should hate Aquaman as much as I do. And yet? He's on the tip of everyone's tongue lately! Not only was this blond-haired octo-pussy featured in a fake movie for the hit HBO show Entourage (10 p.m. Sunday), he was very nearly given his own show on the WB. In fact, a pilot episode was given the green light — until the WB and rival network UPN decided to merge. And thanks to scheduling difficulties, Aquaman was canned. Truly a cause for celebration, am I right? I AM WRONG!!

Thanks to the goddamn Internet, canceled shows have been given a new life on sites such as YouTube.com (where anyone can upload and watch videos for free) and iTunes (which features a host of downloadable shows for $1.99 each). Take, for example, the canceled pilot Nobody's Watching about two friends who are hired to write and produce a sitcom … while living on a sitcom set in front of a live TV audience. This parody of reality shows and television comedies was mysteriously given the boot, even after generating a healthy amount of buzz. But instead of croaking like every other canceled series in the world, the pilot has been going nutso on YouTube, generating over 400,000 views — and THAT got the attention of NBC, who promptly put the failed (and actually, very funny) show back into production.

And while the show Nobody's Watching definitely deserves a second look, the dreaded Aquaman pilot has, unfortunately, also washed back up on shore. Last week, when iTunes made the failed pilot available for downloading, Aquaman shot to the top of the best-seller list! Which leads me to ask: IS THERE NO GOD?!?

Fine, I understand that the pilot co-stars Ving Rhames, who is an awesome actor. And FINE, I understand that the guy playing Aquaman (soap star Justin Hartley) is wicked hot. BUT IT'S AQUAMAN, FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST!! And nobody is supposed to like this overrated blowhole!

Therefore, I command you to do the following: Dial up iTunes on your computer, and demand that they pay YOU $1.99 to watch it! (And I telepathically command all my fish friends to do the same!)

Calling all trout… KILL! KILL!

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, AUG. 3

10 p.m. VH1 THE WORLD SERIES OF POP CULTURE

Season finale! Who are the biggest trivia geeks of all? Find out tonight! (And then beat them up.)

10 p.m. SCI GARTH MARENGHI'S DARK PLACE

Check out this funny parody (complete with awful production values) of crappy creep shows.

FRIDAY, AUG. 4

8 p.m. FOX BRINGING DOWN THE HOUSE (Movie, 2003) Queen Latifah stars as a nonthreatening black person who teaches white people her lingo! "You got me straight trippin', boo!"

SATURDAY, AUG. 5

8 p.m. E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY

A retrospective of porn queen-turned-mainstream-actress Jenna Jameson. (I prefer her earlier work.)

9 p.m. UPN THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY

(Movie, 1967) Director Sergio Leone's masterpiece — and his prequel to The Ambivalent, The Sleepy, and the Peckish for a Sandwich.

SUNDAY, AUG. 6

10 p.m. VH1 FLAVOR OF LOVE

Season premiere! Failed rap star Flavor Flav returns to find true love — weirdly, the first true love didn't work out.

10 p.m. HBO ENTOURAGE

Johnny Drama runs into trouble when he finally gets a real Hollywood gig!

MONDAY, AUG. 7

8 p.m. NBC PSYCH

For those without cable, here's a chance to see this cute new mystery show about a detective who has the cops convinced he's psychic.

10 p.m. A&E GENE SIMMONS' FAMILY JEWELS

FAMILY JEWELS

Debut! Starring the bassist for KISS, this new reality show is like The Osbournes — if Ozzy were an asshole.

TUESDAY, AUG. 8

9 p.m. CBS ROCK STAR: SUPERNOVA

The chaff continues to get separated from the chaff in this cheese-a-riffic "rock" competition.

10 p.m. FX RESCUE ME

Jailed Tommy finds his first conjugal visit "disappointing."

WEDNESDAY, AUG. 9

8 p.m. NBC LAST COMIC STANDING

Season finale! I can't wait to see which comedian will win — and never be heard from again!

10:30 p.m. COM DOG BITES MAN

Season finale! A character's life hangs in the balance and … whaddaya mean we have to wait until next season to find out if he dies??

Season finale! A character's life hangs in the balance and … whaddaya mean we have to wait until next season to find out if he dies??


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