I LOVE TELEVISION 


;This country is going to hell in a hand basket! In MY day, we didn't have this MINORITY swooping in and stealing jobs from hard-working 'MERICANS! And by "this minority" I clearly mean HOLLYWOOD CELEBRITIES. Tinseltown fancypants make up only 2 percent of this country's population. AND YET? Take a gander at many of the "reality" shows on TV — shows that give NORMAL 'MERICANS good-paying (and humiliating) jobs — and you'll see more and more Hollywood celebrities are taking over reality roles that could've easily been played by some former nobody like Kristin Cavallari (Laguna Beach), Puck (The Real World) or that fat naked guy from Survivor who keeps getting thrown in jail for tax evasion. It ain't RIGHT, I'm telling you — and I'm tired of what ain't RIGHT!

;;Take, for example, the new reality show debuting this week titled Celebrity Duets (Fox, 8 p.m. Tuesday, Aug 29). This competition showcases the talents of singers such as Belinda Carlisle, Patti LaBelle, Kenny Loggins, Dionne Warwick, Peter Frampton, Michael Bolton (EW!) and others. But instead of pairing them up with normal everyday American Idol wannabes, these singing celebs perform with … other celebs! There's Xena's Lucy Lawless, Cheech Marin (Cheech and Chong), Alfonso Ribeiro (Fresh Prince of Bel-Air — YES!), Lea "Back to the Future" Thompson, one of the queers from Queer Eye, some gold-medal-winning gymnast you've never heard of, another actor/comedian that you've never heard of, and professional wrestler Chris Jericho. Now, other than the people I've never heard of, I'VE HEARD OF ALL THESE PEOPLE!

;;See, these wash-ups have already had their chance to become famous, but they blew it when they became UNfamous. And now, here they come … crawling back to the celebrity well, begging for another drink?? Well, SCREW YOU, Lea Thompson! And by the way? That old-lady costume you wore in Back to the Future looked totally FAKEY.

;

;Crap! I've lost my train of thought … OH YEAH! Can you imagine if they made these stars perform duets with normal people? These lucky nobodies would SHIT THEIR PANTS. Even the poor sonofabitch who was stuck singing with Michael Bolton would find his chances of getting laid much improved. But NOOOO! This goddamn Hollywood minority keeps stealing away OUR only opportunity to sing with Bolton — AND our chances of getting boned after the show!

;

;And the same goes for Dancing with the Stars (returning Sept. 12 to ABC). As you know, worthless celebrities (like Saved by the Bell's Mario "Slater" Lopez) are paired with hotshit greaseball dance instructors with big tits and long sausages. Every night for weeks, these tedious celebs get to rub up against these dancers' swollen genitalia —while we do WHAT? That's right! Sit at home ALONE and masturbate into a sock. YES, that's a DISGUSTING IMAGE. So what are YOU going to do about it?

;

;I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO! You're going to write your congressperson, and you're going to tell him/her that we will not sleep until an ELECTRIC FENCE is erected all around Hollywood! Fight for YOUR right to reality-show employment! Don't let Mario Lopez diddle YOUR dancer's sausage!!

;

;Send David Hasselhoff back ;where he came from!

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB;

;;;;;;

;THURSDAY, AUG. 24

;;8:30 p.m. NBC THE OFFICE (THREE-WAY!)

;;Three great episodes of The Office, including Michael's birthday trip to the skating rink and Dwight's drug ;investigation!

;;

;9 p.m. SCI WHO WANTS TO BE A SUPERHERO?

;

;The costumed nerds are challenged to find a super villain in a crowded mall. (Hint: Check the parking lot where he's waiting for his mom to pick him up.)

;;

;FRIDAY, AUG. 25

;;11 p.m. HBO REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER

;;Season premiere! Bill Maher is back with the funniest, smartest political debate show on TV!

;;

;SATURDAY, AUG. 26

;;9 p.m. UPN RUSHMORE

;

;(Movie, 1998) It's Jason Schwartzman versus Bill Murray in a charming fight to the finish for the hand of a widowed schoolmarm.

;;

;SUNDAY, AUG. 27

;;8 p.m. NBC EMMY AWARDS

;

;The annual celebration of undeserving TV stars reminding us how undeserving they are. YES, I'M BITTER.

;;

;8 p.m. ABC PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN

;

;(Movie, 2003) Johnny Depp stars as the swishiest pirate since Adam Ant!

;;

;10 p.m. HBO ENTOURAGE

;;Season finale! Vince and the boys find themselves on Hollywood's shit list.

;;

;MONDAY, AUG. 28

;;8 p.m. FOX PRISON BREAK

;

;Michael and Lincoln plan another breakout. Try some Proactiv, dudes.

;;

;8:30 p.m. A&E DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER

;

;Dog tries to straighten out the life of a fugitive — with his fists. And a crowbar.

;;

;TUESDAY, AUG. 29

;;8 p.m. FOX CELEBRITY DUETS

;;Debut! The non-singers fight over who WON'T have to sing with Michael Bolton.

;;10 p.m. FX RESCUE ME

;;Season finale! Don't miss the most depressingly hilarious drama on TV!

;;

;WEDNESDAY, AUG. 30

;;9 p.m. FOX JUSTICE

;;Debut! A high-powered legal team (led by Sydney Bristow's dad from Alias) screws the law to get their client off. (That sounds dirty.)

;;

;10 p.m. FX 30 DAYS

;;Season finale! Host Morgan Spurlock ends the season by spending 30 days in a Virginia prison. Eep! So long, sucker!

;; steve@portlandmercury.com

Speaking of I Love Television

Latest in I Love Television

More by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey

Newsletters

Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.

Calendar

© 2016 Orlando Weekly

Website powered by Foundation