I LOVE TELEVISION 


In case you haven't noticed, I don't do ANYTHING halfway. The way I look at it, why smoke a joint when a half kilo of snort is right … there? Why eat a Hungry Man TV dinner when there are entire fields of cows, bored out of their minds, just waiting to be slaughtered? And why make sweet love to a person when you can bang them in the back seat of a 1970 Cadillac convertible while driving through a car wash? These are all good questions … and ones I intend to answer … A MULTIPLE OF TIMES.

However! When does "too much" become … TOO MUCH? Well, here's an example: I currently have an addiction to watching prehistoric Olsen Twins videos on YouTube.com. You know, like when they were on Full House and making all those straight-to-DVD fiascos about traveling to grandma's house or visiting the rodeo? I'm fawking OBSESSED, man! Last week, I got a total of 27 hours of sleep because I couldn't stop watching those Olsen Twins and their adorable shenanigans!

See, that's the trouble with TV. It's always trying to lure you in and get you so obsessed with some new show that you lose your job, your home, your wife and … eventually? EVEN YOUR TV. (You'd think TV would realize that everyone losing their TVs would eventually put a damper on their master plan.) That's why you'll be seeing a ton of serialized dramas this coming fall season — shows that continue their story lines from week to week (such as Lost, Prison Break and the new and awful Vanished). The plan is to get you so addicted to their story lines, you'll have no choice but to say "NYET!" to Dancing With the Stars.

Now, while these sort of programming choices may be "a little much," as mentioned earlier, the new MyNetworkTV network is bypassing "little much" and is going straight to "that's way, Way, WAY TOO MUCH!" If you recall from my earlier columns — WHICH YOU READ EVERY STINKING WEEK, AM I RIGHT?? — the new MyNetworkTV network will be broadcasting on all those former UPN channels that didn't get snapped up when the WB and UPN merged to form the new CW family of stations. Plus, it's owned by that megalomaniac peehole Rupert Murdoch, who also holds the reins on Fox News and MySpace.com-hence the name MyNetworkTV.

But while most networks broadcast dozens of shows, MyNetworkTV will only have TWO — Desire and Fashion House — which they will be showing SIX DAYS OF THE FREAKING WEEK! Debuting this Tuesday, Sept. 5, MyNetworkTV will start at 8 p.m. with the nightly soap opera Desires, followed at 9 p.m. with another sudster called Fashion House. Both will show brand-new episodes Monday through Friday with a recap on Saturday. Then, after 13 weeks? Those shows will be scrapped for yet two more new shows! NOW THAT'S JUST EVIL.

What? Do these people think I have time to watch the same network, and the same two shows every night of the week? Do they actually think I am so obsessive-compulsive that I will actually fall for their little scheme? (Wait … what's that? I'VE RUN OUT OF OLSEN TWIN VIDEOS?? Omigod. MyNetworkTV? You are my new savior!)

Want a ride in the Caddy?

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, AUG. 31

8 P.M. MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS

Jack Black hosts this annual ceremony to award the videos that MTV refuses to play. GOD! I HATE THOSE GUYS!

9 P.M. SCI WHO WANTS TO BE A SUPERHERO?

Season Finale! The most realistic superhero is given the grand prize — getting the crap kicked out of him behind the gym.

FRIDAY, SEPT. 1

8 P.M. CBS DAN RATHER: A REPORTER REMEMBERS

Longtime CBS anchor Dan Rather shares stories from his career — except that one where he gets fired.

8 P.M. A&E CHILD STARS: THEIR STORY

Former child stars Fred Savage, Danny Bonaduce, Sara Gilbert and more discuss which convenience stores are easiest to rob.

SATURDAY, SEPT. 2

8 P.M. NBC PRIMETIME PREVIEW

A sneaky peek of NBC's new fall shows — hosted by the employees of The Office.

8 P.M. VH1 HEAVY: THE STORY OF METAL

VH1 brings the RAWK with this three-part tip o' the hat to heavy metal music!

SUNDAY, SEPT. 3

10 P.M. VH1 THE FLAVOR OF LOVE

If you haven't checked out this show, it's a hee-larious parody of The Bachelor and other cheesy dating shows!

10:30 P.M. TOON THE VENTURE BROTHERS

Don't miss this dark and funny sendup of 1960s adventure cartoons! Great animation and really smart scripts.

MONDAY, SEPT. 4

8 P.M. NBC UNAUTHORIZED STORY: DIFF'RENT STROKES

An unauthorized and dramatized peek at Gary Coleman, Dana Plato and Todd Bridges before the poop hit the fan!

TUESDAY, SEPT. 5

8 P.M. MYNTV DESIRE

Debut! A Jersey restaurateur flees to California to escape the mob in this new nightly soap opera!

9 P.M. FOX STANDOFF

Debut! Ron Livingston (Office Space) and Gina Torres (Firefly) star in this buzzy new serialized drama.

WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 6

9 P.M. FOX JUSTICE

When a music producer is killed, a woman claims self-defense. Quick, call Sydney Bristow's dad!

9 P.M. MYNTV FASHION HOUSE

Maria tries to stop Luke from dating the sexy new intern. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SOMEBODY STOP LUKE!

steve@portlandmercury.com

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